i am relaxing on my couch with an MIA roommate for the first time in all too long (read: ever. daniella likes to hang about the house a lot, and tonight is really the first time i've been able to just chill alone & it's nice.) gitsy is snoozing on the other side of the couch and i'm blaring some death cab for cutie while procrastinating homework.
i always loved "i can't do better than you" but i never let myself sing it, especially when dylan and i were dating, because i knew it wasn't true. because i can--and will--do better than dylan, but he can't do better than me. maybe that's vain or one-sided but i don't really give a fuck and that feels pretty damn amazing.
tonight was needed.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
things
i spent the better part of this evening reviewing past posts on my tumblr and blogger, searching for something--anything--to use in a book project for my letterpress bookworks class. and i think it's so funny how i talk about finding closure and finally being over my ex in almost every post for the past 9 months or so, as though every time i'm saying "this time it's real and i won't have to do it again." and sometimes it really did feel like that. and i guess it still does a little, either that or i'm still coming off of a good few days of being unfalteringly happy without a lover.
but i think, in some respects, i'm coming to terms with the fact that being over my relationship with dylan doesn't mean i don't have memories with him that i think about often. and of course i've created new memories with new friends and think about those, too. but i spent so long with him, and during such a pivotal time of growth, that it would be impossible to look back and not think of him.
i don't want to forget how amazing my senior prom was, or the fact that i drove to six flags on 4 hours of sleep with someone i loved on a total whim. i was going through my text posts on tumblr and it just smacked me in the face that loving him helped me define me. and of course i knew that, but looking back through things i'd forgotten i had written literally illustrated that for me. through loving dylan, i opened up the doors in my heart that i assumed at age 13 i'd never open.
things became so messy this summer and loneliness has got me yearning for any sort of contact with someone i used to share so much with, be it dylan or family i haven't seen in a while or childhood friends who fell out of my life, that i let myself re-think the decisions i began making this time last year. which is always dangerous. i saw that 4 days before dylan and i broke up for real, i posted at 3 am about waking up crying because i missed him so much. and i didn't remember that, not at all. it scared me a little. because of course my posts are heavy with fighting words from almost constant dilemmas he and i had, but i remember thinking that i could marry him last november. for the first time, feeling like you wanted to walk down the aisle with someone, and then essentially barring them from your life a month later. i just sometimes wish i could go back and replay it all again in slow motion.
not saying things would change. but maybe i wouldn't feel like such a bad person right now if i could see it all again.
i'm shaky right now from coming across a status he posted on facebook about a week ago, in response to the photo of my colophon for "what a bitch!," which apparently a friend of his had shown him. i just honestly didn't expect him to see it, or for so many people who i thought understood my side to back him up on facebook. the way people act in situations like that scares me a little, and i feel defenseless. of course his mom takes his side; my mom takes mine. but for people to become so rooted into drama that has absolutely nothing to do with them is ridiculous.
i just really felt like i was in a good place with all of this earlier tonight, and to come across this sends me reeling back for a while. i hate it that the idea of him still has so much control over me (and this might sound stupid, but i'm taking it back to sex and love: i was not dylan's first--of either of those things--and he was mine for both.) they say you always love your first, but that isn't it. it's that i distanced myself because i needed space and room to grow, and he turned me into a monster for it. that's what hurts. that's what makes me shake and cry and not be able to even say hi when i stop by the salon on visits home. it's that i always extended a loving hand (even after he told me to lose contact with him and his family after he tried to kill himself) and it has constantly been met with a slap.
but i think, in some respects, i'm coming to terms with the fact that being over my relationship with dylan doesn't mean i don't have memories with him that i think about often. and of course i've created new memories with new friends and think about those, too. but i spent so long with him, and during such a pivotal time of growth, that it would be impossible to look back and not think of him.
i don't want to forget how amazing my senior prom was, or the fact that i drove to six flags on 4 hours of sleep with someone i loved on a total whim. i was going through my text posts on tumblr and it just smacked me in the face that loving him helped me define me. and of course i knew that, but looking back through things i'd forgotten i had written literally illustrated that for me. through loving dylan, i opened up the doors in my heart that i assumed at age 13 i'd never open.
things became so messy this summer and loneliness has got me yearning for any sort of contact with someone i used to share so much with, be it dylan or family i haven't seen in a while or childhood friends who fell out of my life, that i let myself re-think the decisions i began making this time last year. which is always dangerous. i saw that 4 days before dylan and i broke up for real, i posted at 3 am about waking up crying because i missed him so much. and i didn't remember that, not at all. it scared me a little. because of course my posts are heavy with fighting words from almost constant dilemmas he and i had, but i remember thinking that i could marry him last november. for the first time, feeling like you wanted to walk down the aisle with someone, and then essentially barring them from your life a month later. i just sometimes wish i could go back and replay it all again in slow motion.
not saying things would change. but maybe i wouldn't feel like such a bad person right now if i could see it all again.
i'm shaky right now from coming across a status he posted on facebook about a week ago, in response to the photo of my colophon for "what a bitch!," which apparently a friend of his had shown him. i just honestly didn't expect him to see it, or for so many people who i thought understood my side to back him up on facebook. the way people act in situations like that scares me a little, and i feel defenseless. of course his mom takes his side; my mom takes mine. but for people to become so rooted into drama that has absolutely nothing to do with them is ridiculous.
i just really felt like i was in a good place with all of this earlier tonight, and to come across this sends me reeling back for a while. i hate it that the idea of him still has so much control over me (and this might sound stupid, but i'm taking it back to sex and love: i was not dylan's first--of either of those things--and he was mine for both.) they say you always love your first, but that isn't it. it's that i distanced myself because i needed space and room to grow, and he turned me into a monster for it. that's what hurts. that's what makes me shake and cry and not be able to even say hi when i stop by the salon on visits home. it's that i always extended a loving hand (even after he told me to lose contact with him and his family after he tried to kill himself) and it has constantly been met with a slap.
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