Tuesday, September 24, 2013
lessons
i'm sure there's something to be learned in all of this chaos that happened tonight (namely in-progress saves, since i couldn't really help that i was sick all week/end) but mostly i am just tired and stressed and want to be asleep right now. i have to leave for school at 5 to make sure i have enough time to print and mount before my 10am proposal. it's 3:20 now. so, do the math, no sleep for me ever again.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
a real update
i feel like this moment is the first real free time i've had in two weeks! this is an exaggeration, of course...i've managed to fill my time with countless episodes of law & order SVU and unnecessarily long showers, by seeing blue jasmine (finally!!!) and sleeping late on the weekend. lately i have just been extremely busy, and it comes in stark contrast to one of the most relaxing summers i've ever experienced.
i've been ditching class because my work isn't done, and on the rare occasion that it is done, it's not me; it's rushed and lacking so much of the passion i pride myself on putting into my work. i've been so busy that every attempt to clean my room gets thwarted halfway through, so every weekend i have to start cleaning from square one all over again. gitsy has probably peed on half of my clean laundry that somehow ended up on the floor because i was too tired to pick it up off my bed and hang it. i didn't have groceries for a week because i literally couldn't find the time to go to the store, and i haven't eaten most of what i bought when i finally did get to go shopping on monday because i haven't been home or had the time. i spent 2 days this week getting home from 8 hours at school to do 5 hours of design work for amy only to be too tired to even start my homework. i feel so unbearably and deeply lonely, constantly, obsessively so. to the point that it's scaring me that i can feel this level of dependency or need for attention. to the point where i am unable to concentrate on anything other than the fact that i have to be doing something wrong for no one to be interested in me. for my work to be so uninspired. for me to feel this low.
i was sitting in class this morning with work that i'm not proud of, work that has no concept behind it, and i started to have a panic attack over the fact that i'm mostly behind in all of my classes already, with no inspiration and no way out (add/drop ended on tuesday), and i realized that i'm actually not ok right now. this is how it always is with me, the eternal optimist. i complain a lot, but it's a unrepresentative habit i have; i think i'm fine until i look around me and realize i've been flailing underwater.
i feel guilty all the time, and then i feel even more guilty for wallowing instead of pulling myself up out of it. i went to a noontime lecture today, for a designer named mark mcquade (who has done work for wired UK and the new york times), and it was probably the highlight of my week so far. i was so inspired after he presented his work and his process to us because i realized that that's what my work is lacking (process work, the hard stuff, the stuff i love doing). so i guess at this point it's just trying my best to put in the hours on my work and seeing what happens with everything else. i'm hoping it's the type of situation that will get easier with time and habit-forming.
i've been ditching class because my work isn't done, and on the rare occasion that it is done, it's not me; it's rushed and lacking so much of the passion i pride myself on putting into my work. i've been so busy that every attempt to clean my room gets thwarted halfway through, so every weekend i have to start cleaning from square one all over again. gitsy has probably peed on half of my clean laundry that somehow ended up on the floor because i was too tired to pick it up off my bed and hang it. i didn't have groceries for a week because i literally couldn't find the time to go to the store, and i haven't eaten most of what i bought when i finally did get to go shopping on monday because i haven't been home or had the time. i spent 2 days this week getting home from 8 hours at school to do 5 hours of design work for amy only to be too tired to even start my homework. i feel so unbearably and deeply lonely, constantly, obsessively so. to the point that it's scaring me that i can feel this level of dependency or need for attention. to the point where i am unable to concentrate on anything other than the fact that i have to be doing something wrong for no one to be interested in me. for my work to be so uninspired. for me to feel this low.
i was sitting in class this morning with work that i'm not proud of, work that has no concept behind it, and i started to have a panic attack over the fact that i'm mostly behind in all of my classes already, with no inspiration and no way out (add/drop ended on tuesday), and i realized that i'm actually not ok right now. this is how it always is with me, the eternal optimist. i complain a lot, but it's a unrepresentative habit i have; i think i'm fine until i look around me and realize i've been flailing underwater.
i feel guilty all the time, and then i feel even more guilty for wallowing instead of pulling myself up out of it. i went to a noontime lecture today, for a designer named mark mcquade (who has done work for wired UK and the new york times), and it was probably the highlight of my week so far. i was so inspired after he presented his work and his process to us because i realized that that's what my work is lacking (process work, the hard stuff, the stuff i love doing). so i guess at this point it's just trying my best to put in the hours on my work and seeing what happens with everything else. i'm hoping it's the type of situation that will get easier with time and habit-forming.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
wow what a hell of a week. I've been sleeping on & off all day after several days of getting about 2 hours a night. had a nightmare I texted dylan (it's his birthday) that woke me up & now I'm just watching a movie with dani.
I'm mostly pretty lonely these days, but I'm good. I ran into dan, who remembered that it was my birthday soon, and that was nice. friends have rearranged schedules so I know someone in most of my classes now. aside from the stressful mess of not sleeping, this week had been good. I'm pushing my design styles in new ways, I finished everything I needed to give to Amy, and I can relax for the night. tomorrow I have to spend the day fixing my bike up and cleaning my room, and then do lots of homework on Monday, but it will be worth it to have taken a day to rest. I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted and I deserved to take a break. wish I hadn't slept away so much of it, but feeling a lot better than I did this time yesterday.
I'm mostly pretty lonely these days, but I'm good. I ran into dan, who remembered that it was my birthday soon, and that was nice. friends have rearranged schedules so I know someone in most of my classes now. aside from the stressful mess of not sleeping, this week had been good. I'm pushing my design styles in new ways, I finished everything I needed to give to Amy, and I can relax for the night. tomorrow I have to spend the day fixing my bike up and cleaning my room, and then do lots of homework on Monday, but it will be worth it to have taken a day to rest. I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted and I deserved to take a break. wish I hadn't slept away so much of it, but feeling a lot better than I did this time yesterday.
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