i found an apartment in chicago and am going through the final processes of calling it my own. it's literally perfect, i'm so ecstatic. i've been so worried because six of my closest friends are moving in together, leaving only alea and i out of the loop, and our beautiful condo is literally two blocks from where they'll be living. which is unimaginably amazing.
i've been doing design work outside of my normal work hours to make some extra cash and boost my design portfolio, and it's given me the boost of productivity i've needed of late. that, and i've been able to read for fun (i finished the hunger games series in a day & a half) and have been getting back into my single swing of watching independent films on a nightly basis.
another notable moment in my life: rob kelly has not only started following my tumblr, but is emailing me raw music files of his new project (pontifex). i'm one of the first to hear it, and it's really beautiful stuff. very different from the poppy tae beats, but very rob. (blake, i'll email you the file! it's lovely and you've got to hear it)
i've had very good nights with dustin and ivy, open and raw nights that have allowed me to deepen the veins of friendship in evansville. that, and i've started releasing myself from the rules i've imposed upon myself for the last several years (my whole life?) and have found that i'm so much more happy on a foundation level. i've allowed myself to be reckless, just enough to loosen up these ridiculous expectations i've had for myself.
and then there's dylan. still a force in my life that i can't figure out. there are days when he comes into work smiling and trying to earn my gaze but i literally can't bring myself to look at him. there are other times when i remember the sweetness we had and i just crumple, am physically unable to be in the same space with him. and he's the same way; there are times when i can feel icy disdain pouring from him and there are other times when he offers kindness.
the hunger games was good and addicting at points, but generally mediocre literature. what kept me so enthralled was the dynamic between katniss and peeta, because of course i could only see myself and dylan. but as all mediocre modern literature ends, the two live happily ever after with children and dandelions in meadows and blah blah blah when there's clearly so much that wouldn't be possible to overcome in a real relationship. the hunger games trilogy was clever at times, but the part i loved so much was how genuine loss of love was from both peeta's & katniss' points of view. it was terribly confusing and good for me at the same time.
the thing is, i'm so tired about talking about dylan. i'm tired of feeling more than over him one moment and being a blubbering mess the next. it's things like the fact that both of his parents came into the salon the other day and completely ignored me for a half an hour. the same woman who thanked me repeatedly over the phone for alerting her to the danger her son was putting himself in, the woman who pulled me aside before i left for college and made me promise that i'd come back and see her even if dylan and i broke up, looked straight through me. and i guess at that point i realized how destructive heartbreak can be. i know that dylan said the nastiest things about me in public forum; i saw it with my own eyes. and i haven't been the kindest to him, but i didn't take it to such a level. i like to tell myself that i remained faithful to the truth. but i guess so did he, or at least what he felt was true. that's one thing that manic depression will always hold over me. it created paranoia and depletion and anger that verged on lunacy in someone i loved too much for my own good.
i don't even see him as the same person anymore. the peak of our relationship was right past our one-year anniversary. that's the face of his i see when i remember myself deeply in love. before stereo shout out, before college, before sex. and now i just don't know.
this post is long and doesn't make sense. lately blogger has been more of a long-form internet diary than anything else
