why does depression take the people I love away from me?
everything with dylan, leah is in the hospital on suicide watch, and tj is transferring back home.
this week has completely wrecked my emotional stability and my motivation. all I want to do is sleep and cry. I haven't spoken to daniella in days, I can't eat, I can't sleep when I try to, and I can't focus on my design work, for school or for work, and deadlines are crashing all around me.
I am lucky that my bouts with being depressed are fixed with therapy sessions and changing my thyroid dosage. i get depressed sometimes but i do not suffer from depression, and I am so grateful for that. but it doesn't make things easier when I'd rather sit under my desk in my room than interact with daniella or even gitsy. since last week I've been lower than I've been in a while and I'm just scared because I don't know how it's going to get better.
I feel like tj let me down. I just don't want to talk to him or see him or think about him. I feel betrayed. and that isn't really fair, but that's how I feel and I can't help it. I feel alone.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Friday, February 22, 2013
needing/wanting/getting
today i was a half hour late to class. i fell asleep working last night and hadn't set an alarm. luckily with most of my work done, it wasn't really a problem. still, i didn't get a chance to eat breakfast, so when i finished my daily iced coffee from the school cafe, it left me empty feeling...hungry, clear-headed but still feeling deprived of sleep. and i realized how much i like that feeling.
of being sleep deprived to the point of feeling like a zombie because i stayed up so long pouring my soul into a piece of art for days beforehand. of the empty, healthy feeling of a growling stomach by 4pm because i chose a salad for lunch instead of the french fries i really wanted. of sore muscles one day because i did the whole 20 minutes of Jillian michaels 30-day shred the night before without putting down the 3 lb weights.
of being single, going through the slight inconvenience of occasional loneliness, because i refuse to settle for someone who isn't going to love me as much as i love myself.
the feeling of doing what i have to to get what i want. of making sacrifices, pushing myself to my limits, creating the change in my life. it's not a way to live long term or day-to-day, i'm sure i'd keel over from the stress. but sometimes it's nice to taste that little bit of bitter in your pink lemonade.
(not a harlem shake video, i promise! rather, a song by the band the Harlem Shakes that fits the mood of this post)
SPEAKING OF, i'm officially in training for my first 5k! i'm starting this weekend to prepare for the Hope in Motion / Run in Color 5K in Evansville on April 20 (which I'll probably just walk/jog with my mom) and then i've got the actual Color Run 5K that i'm going to RUN, not walk (a big goal for someone who has never EVER been a runner, even as a kid), on June 16! i'm really, really, excited about it. so here's to actually sticking to my new year's resolution for once
of being sleep deprived to the point of feeling like a zombie because i stayed up so long pouring my soul into a piece of art for days beforehand. of the empty, healthy feeling of a growling stomach by 4pm because i chose a salad for lunch instead of the french fries i really wanted. of sore muscles one day because i did the whole 20 minutes of Jillian michaels 30-day shred the night before without putting down the 3 lb weights.
of being single, going through the slight inconvenience of occasional loneliness, because i refuse to settle for someone who isn't going to love me as much as i love myself.
the feeling of doing what i have to to get what i want. of making sacrifices, pushing myself to my limits, creating the change in my life. it's not a way to live long term or day-to-day, i'm sure i'd keel over from the stress. but sometimes it's nice to taste that little bit of bitter in your pink lemonade.
(not a harlem shake video, i promise! rather, a song by the band the Harlem Shakes that fits the mood of this post)
SPEAKING OF, i'm officially in training for my first 5k! i'm starting this weekend to prepare for the Hope in Motion / Run in Color 5K in Evansville on April 20 (which I'll probably just walk/jog with my mom) and then i've got the actual Color Run 5K that i'm going to RUN, not walk (a big goal for someone who has never EVER been a runner, even as a kid), on June 16! i'm really, really, excited about it. so here's to actually sticking to my new year's resolution for once
Monday, February 18, 2013
tonight is a low night,
one of the lowest i've had in a really long time. binge ate twizzlers & cried in the shower & have been lying in bed since 10 and i still don't feel any better.
i'm tired of this cycle, of having this same fucking thing creep up on me and drag me down whenever it pleases. sure, my nights of panic attacks and crying and wondering if i've completely fucked up my life and any chance i'll ever get at love used to be a nightly thing, and now they only come every 4 months or so. so i'm getting better. but i just don't want to feel this way anymore, i don't want to doubt myself and the entire foundation my recent life has been built on just because of some nagging fear that i'll never get anything better, or even as real as, what i pushed out of my life.
i have nowhere to put my love, it just sits there and keeps on loving.
i'm tired of this cycle, of having this same fucking thing creep up on me and drag me down whenever it pleases. sure, my nights of panic attacks and crying and wondering if i've completely fucked up my life and any chance i'll ever get at love used to be a nightly thing, and now they only come every 4 months or so. so i'm getting better. but i just don't want to feel this way anymore, i don't want to doubt myself and the entire foundation my recent life has been built on just because of some nagging fear that i'll never get anything better, or even as real as, what i pushed out of my life.
i have nowhere to put my love, it just sits there and keeps on loving.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
so glad to see blake on here again!
(those 5 pageviews were from me, haha!)
and glad to be back on here myself. i actually sat down to draft a post between my 9-12 and 6-9 classes today but got caught up with other things (gitsy & i went for a walk and she jumped into several puddles of mud, so i had to give her a bath which is always hellish).
anyways! yesterday i got a weird chat invite from my ex on a new email account, and i messaged him despite not really wanting to. i made a promise to him that the lines of communication would always be open on my end if he needed anything, because i don't see myself as the type of person who could completely turn her back on someone--even after having gone through so much because of them. so i messaged him and he messaged back, and i didn't get that weird heart-racing feeling (the goodbad kind, like when you get an anonymous message and wonder if it's going to be friendly or make you cry), and i'm really proud of myself. especially after not having seen or talked to him in over 4 months. so all is good there.
school is good in that i have less of a workload, but i've been thinking seriously that i might have seasonal affective disorder (funny you mentioned it too, b). it's like no matter what i have to do, all i want to do is sit in the shower or sleep. i constantly fall asleep on the trains. all i want to eat is sweet things and bread. sometimes i literally have to choke back tears when i look at the forecast and realize i have to wear my coat and scarf and gloves just to walk to the station. i've gained at least 10 lbs. and that's all incredibly frustrating to me, which makes it worse. i feel like i'm just empty. i miss the sun and warmth and not having to wear a gigantic coat.
but not to complain
i'm doing a lot of work, and therefore making a lot of money. like having enough money for NEXT rent even though my rent check has come out. and that's awesome. i'm getting to spend money on things i've wanted for a while, and i'm really happy about that. school is easier than it's been in a while, and i think i'm finally winning over my type teacher.
ugh
i have so much more to say but a lot of work to do tonight
so i'll finish this later!
and glad to be back on here myself. i actually sat down to draft a post between my 9-12 and 6-9 classes today but got caught up with other things (gitsy & i went for a walk and she jumped into several puddles of mud, so i had to give her a bath which is always hellish).
anyways! yesterday i got a weird chat invite from my ex on a new email account, and i messaged him despite not really wanting to. i made a promise to him that the lines of communication would always be open on my end if he needed anything, because i don't see myself as the type of person who could completely turn her back on someone--even after having gone through so much because of them. so i messaged him and he messaged back, and i didn't get that weird heart-racing feeling (the goodbad kind, like when you get an anonymous message and wonder if it's going to be friendly or make you cry), and i'm really proud of myself. especially after not having seen or talked to him in over 4 months. so all is good there.
school is good in that i have less of a workload, but i've been thinking seriously that i might have seasonal affective disorder (funny you mentioned it too, b). it's like no matter what i have to do, all i want to do is sit in the shower or sleep. i constantly fall asleep on the trains. all i want to eat is sweet things and bread. sometimes i literally have to choke back tears when i look at the forecast and realize i have to wear my coat and scarf and gloves just to walk to the station. i've gained at least 10 lbs. and that's all incredibly frustrating to me, which makes it worse. i feel like i'm just empty. i miss the sun and warmth and not having to wear a gigantic coat.
but not to complain
i'm doing a lot of work, and therefore making a lot of money. like having enough money for NEXT rent even though my rent check has come out. and that's awesome. i'm getting to spend money on things i've wanted for a while, and i'm really happy about that. school is easier than it's been in a while, and i think i'm finally winning over my type teacher.
ugh
i have so much more to say but a lot of work to do tonight
so i'll finish this later!
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