leaving

i pick up my rental car and leave evansville in 12 hours and i haven't packed anything except a duffel bag of clothes

another new year (already?)

i swear this year was shorter than the last few, honestly. that's not to say it was easy; even with all the hell 2012 held for me in regards to growing up and growing out and moving on, 2013 was definitely harder and sadder in a lot of ways. but the bright, happy bits of the past year are stunning, white-hot moments in a difficult, blurry year.

in 2013, i:

• went on a lot of dates, knocking down some of the awkward walls i put up inside me. even if nothing really clicked, this is a big thing for me. i am making sure that when i have the time and inclination, i am someone who is comfortable dating.
• produced a zine all by myself, the production of which stirred up and gave closure to a lot of bullshit i didn't want to deal with. i wrote something for this zine that i love, which is rare for me. and at the end of a stressful all-nighter of putting that shit together, i watched a stunning sunrise from the brown line with tj, right before he moved away.
• had two best friends move away and carry on their lives in new places, places where i can't be. and blake and i are always okay, but it put strains on my other long-distance friendship, and (unfortunately) i'm not nearly as close with tj as i used to be.
• took on way too much in my academic life, and didn't crash and burn. granted, i didn't sleep much and i gained a bunch of weight from eating my stress, but i did it when my professors told me i couldn't and my classmates told me i was crazy. and i made some work i'm really really proud of.
• went to ocracoke and watched the sun rise every morning that i could. walked barefoot through a bird sanctuary, held a sea turtle egg, literally saw the shape of the milky way over the atlantic ocean at midnight.
• drank legally, smoked illegally, hooked up with some german guy named dorian in the back of an SUV in louisville.
• started running, stopped running, started running again (it's a work in progess). rode my bike to school all summer. got my bike stolen, and then got a new bike.
• felt closer to my three biggest communities (my family, my chicago friends, my purdue friends) than i have ever felt to any community of people
• finally felt like chicago became my home. i feel uncomfortable here, not disturbingly so, but i miss my apartment. i miss the solitude sometimes. i miss my friends and my independence and riding the trains. for the first time in my life i feel actually grown up and visiting my childhood home, which is bittersweet.

big things happened this year, and it's scary but it's good. today when blake left and i realized i couldn't pinpoint a date when i would see her again,it kind of sank in that i will graduate this year and then i will be moving on, and i'm not sure where i'll be or what my life will look like a year from now.


(and here are my 2014 resolutions!)

• organize design work stuff. get on top of this. this means cataloging computer files and maintaining a calendar for reals.
• be more health conscious in regards to diet, and make an effort to keep exercising. diet is the big thing here, because i'm a pretty active person normally, but i've been eating like shit and it needs to stop.
• save money for something big. this could be a printing press or a car or an apartment in brooklyn or a few weeks backpacking in europe. but i want the options open and i need money to do so.
• do more, instead of just collecting inspiration. make more. 
• reconnect with my spirituality (meditate, talk to spirit, go to church at least every once in a while.) go back to lily dale.

so here's to not knowing. to taking 2014 as it comes. i can't wait to see what this next year has in store for me.