on dustin's 21st birthday, he introduced me to everyone at the table as his "best friend, my other one is ivy but she's in europe," but he consistently tells me how hot dylan is, says that he'd sleep with him is he were gay, does stuff like feel up my little brother when we've been drinking & then refuse to apologize.
tj was so fucking needy (and to whom i offered everything--my house, my food, my money, my companionship, my time and energy--without a second thought), but then when i ask for help, he can't be bothered unless he's already with me, especially now that he has a girlfriend.
don't get me wrong, both dustin & tj (and a lot of my other friends who do similar things) have been there for me at times when no one else was. but it's like i'm growing out of those relationships & it just hurts that the people i have put myself on the line for & given so much to can so often do things that it seems obvious would hurt me.
coba & anne & ivy called from their apartment tonight, they're having a party. and i'm the first person they call, they wondered if they could come up to chicago for my birthday. and it's not the first time they've called me when they're out together. to feel wanted by a group of people just feels so good. it's like when blake brings me a chai or sonic by surprise or leah calls me with a pint of raspberry nebula soy ice cream & says to meet her at unique thrift in half an hour.
because i'm that friend, the one who plans everyone's surprise parties but only gets 7 people to show up for her birthday. the leslie knope of gift giving. i try so hard to pump every bit of myself into all of my relationships and, with the exception of my very close friends like blake & ivy & leah, i never get that in return.
i'm not trying to come off as ungrateful, because i'm not. friendships are delicate relationships & so many of mine are long distance right now that it's hard. it's just frustrating that i seem to give so much more in so many of my friendships & it's nice to know that not all of my friendships are that way.
