I went to graduation today, and though it signifies the start of my everything, it was a bitter end to so much. I hugged five people--only three of whom I'd planned to and yet so many less than I felt I should have, or wanted to.
After graduation, I ordered yet another ridiculously expensive fast food dinner just because I knew it was time to eat, not because I was hungry. Thyroid.
I went to West Terrace and drew posters for tomorrow--my mom's kids' last day of school. We got to talking about college and this summer and the great unknown that comes along with it. Eventually we got into talking heavily about this summer, and she said that she thought going to New York is a waste of an opportunity to learn skills that I could put towards a career. (This was, in ontext, a little less harsh than it seems here. I was talking about how I can't see myself getting famous from art, don't wish to teach it, but have to have it. Regardless, it was still a little harsh.) We got into talking about it, how I wished she had expressed this before we paid, and she told me that she had tried. But if she had, she had sugarcoated every word to the point that I never got the message.
I just couldn't believe it. I didn't want to go to New York, not anymore.
On the way home, the first song to come up on my shuffle was I and Love and You by the Avett Brothers:
Load the car and write the note
Grab your bag and grab your coat
Tell the ones that need to know
We are headed north
One foot in and one foot back
But it don't pay, to live like that
So i cut the ties and i jumped the tracks
For never to return
Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
Are you aware the shape I'm in
My hands they shake my head it spins
Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
When at first I learned to speak
I used all my words to fight
With him and her and you and me
Oh but its just a waste of time
Yeah its such a waste of time
That woman shes got eyes that shine
Like a pair of stolen polished dimes
She asked to dance I said it's fine
I'll see you in the morning time
Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
Are you aware the shape im in
My hands they shake my head it spins
Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
Three words that became hard to say
I and love and you
What you were then, I am today
Look at the things I do
Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
Are you aware the shape I'm in
My hands they shake my head it spins
Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
Dumbed down and numbed by time and age
Your dreams to catch the world, the cage
The highway sets the travelers stage
All exits look the same
Three words that became hard to say
I and love and you
I and love and you
I and love and you
which was followed two songs later with Signs by the Avett Brothers:
It's the place and your friends that got me down
Tellin' me I should not hang around
There's a sign in the window
Tellin' me I've got to go
I see the signs everyday
In your face and in your way that you act
It's not that it hurts my pride
Now I see the other side of you
The side that won't let down
The side that won't let go
I didn't mean for me to see
Things I see in you and me
But know I know that we can't live together
The way I want to live free forever
To me, it was pretty self explanatory. I'm scared to fucking death to go to New York. I've ripped myself bare to the point that I will be entering New York and new person, and returning an even newer one. I have so much riding on this summer that it's not even funny. If Brooklyn, if Pratt, isn't all that I've made it to be in my mind, I don't know what I'll do. This is my rebirth, and no matter what my "dumbed down and numb by time and age" elders have to say, the world isn't going to devour my dreams. I need this summer to prove that I can do something with my art, and more importantly, with myself.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
anonymity.
B, you were right all along.
Formspring has gotten out of hand. It's not the questions people ask me (though they have been annoying, the questions about the validity of my virginity and sad attempts at wrecking my self esteem have far from impacted my life), because i truly find it interesting the things people are willing to say under the mask of anonymity. It's when people assume that it's ME who asked or said something anonymously that ticks me off. I understand that they have no evidence with which to convict me, but the fact that I don't have any evidence to disprove them is frustrating, at times.
I guess it really doesn't matter. I don't care what people think and I certainly don't have to defend myself to a nameless attacker.
Formspring has gotten out of hand. It's not the questions people ask me (though they have been annoying, the questions about the validity of my virginity and sad attempts at wrecking my self esteem have far from impacted my life), because i truly find it interesting the things people are willing to say under the mask of anonymity. It's when people assume that it's ME who asked or said something anonymously that ticks me off. I understand that they have no evidence with which to convict me, but the fact that I don't have any evidence to disprove them is frustrating, at times.
I guess it really doesn't matter. I don't care what people think and I certainly don't have to defend myself to a nameless attacker.
Friday, May 21, 2010
finished.
Between wasted hours of restless sleep, almost-all-nighter cram sessions, and stressing over the amount of time spent in class when I could have been working, this week is finally over. Except for turning in my completed extended essay outline (some things had to be sacrificed for time's sake in turning in my world lit 1 paper) and submitting my more-or-less completed world lit 1 to turnitin.com, I accomplished everything I needed to do. I'm going to finish gluing pictures into my IWB tonight, do some CAS logging and wiki-updating tomorrow, and gather my last books to turn in to school/the library. Despite its wretchedness because of a lack of sleep, this week makes me appreciate the skills I've learned this year (typing more accurately quickly, skim-reading, studying in not-so-ideal conditions, managing stress) and helps me to realize the things I'm going to need to work on this summer and next year (not procrastinating, managing time and money, keeping a clean room and car even under stressful situations).
Even though I still have one more final next week, I've switched into summer mode. I really just need to tie up the ends on this year so that I can focus on getting a 2200 on the SAT June 5 (up from my former 1940), take the break I deserve, and then start my summer. One of my mom's former students, Rachael, is going to be staying at my house from next Tuesday until about June 8th with her little girl Cadence (Cady (pronounced like Katie)) and I can't be more excited. With a job prospect at a daycare center, I don't feel so stressed about this summer. I have a lot of things I'm going to need to buy for/in New York and I didn't think I would have the funds, honestly. It's exciting to me to know that this is what life is going to be like from now on. I understand that my extended essay is lurking, as well as college applications and renewed fears of rejection. But somehow I think just overcoming this year has made me much more mature than I'd ever imagined.
Dylan and I are better than ever. Today he picked me up from school and brought me home (my dad drove me this morning), at which point we just went outside and played with Gitsy for a good while. After a while we settled down on a hill in my backyard, just lying there and talking. I wish it were possible to take a picture with the eye. I understand that some moments inability to be caught on film is what makes us treasure them, but lying there with my eyes half-open, taking in the summery green grass and bright blue sky, I can't think of a more peaceful moment. Just to have that memory in my head, of the freckles on our noses touching, his chapped lips, the burst of sun behind his perfect jawline...I lose my inability to even think.
I can't even describe how much Dylan and Gitsy have done for me this year. How can the introduction of two new entities to my life have changed so much for me? I don't even want to think about where I'd be now if it weren't for them. And of course you, B. You are undeniably my best friend. I don't want to think about this time next year. It seems so unfair for me to have built my own family this year just to have it ripped apart by the fate that is college.
I don't want to end on such a depressing note, but I can't think of anything else to say. Expect another update when summer actually begins.
<3la
Even though I still have one more final next week, I've switched into summer mode. I really just need to tie up the ends on this year so that I can focus on getting a 2200 on the SAT June 5 (up from my former 1940), take the break I deserve, and then start my summer. One of my mom's former students, Rachael, is going to be staying at my house from next Tuesday until about June 8th with her little girl Cadence (Cady (pronounced like Katie)) and I can't be more excited. With a job prospect at a daycare center, I don't feel so stressed about this summer. I have a lot of things I'm going to need to buy for/in New York and I didn't think I would have the funds, honestly. It's exciting to me to know that this is what life is going to be like from now on. I understand that my extended essay is lurking, as well as college applications and renewed fears of rejection. But somehow I think just overcoming this year has made me much more mature than I'd ever imagined.
Dylan and I are better than ever. Today he picked me up from school and brought me home (my dad drove me this morning), at which point we just went outside and played with Gitsy for a good while. After a while we settled down on a hill in my backyard, just lying there and talking. I wish it were possible to take a picture with the eye. I understand that some moments inability to be caught on film is what makes us treasure them, but lying there with my eyes half-open, taking in the summery green grass and bright blue sky, I can't think of a more peaceful moment. Just to have that memory in my head, of the freckles on our noses touching, his chapped lips, the burst of sun behind his perfect jawline...I lose my inability to even think.
I can't even describe how much Dylan and Gitsy have done for me this year. How can the introduction of two new entities to my life have changed so much for me? I don't even want to think about where I'd be now if it weren't for them. And of course you, B. You are undeniably my best friend. I don't want to think about this time next year. It seems so unfair for me to have built my own family this year just to have it ripped apart by the fate that is college.
I don't want to end on such a depressing note, but I can't think of anything else to say. Expect another update when summer actually begins.
<3la
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
i wish to update you all
but my body is literally so tired that it's unbearable to stay awake any longer.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
pain.
My stomach has been killing me for about the last two hours.
I've been doubled up for about a half an hour now, with a rice heat pack stuffed in the waistband of my sweats.
I am so not going to school tomorrow, even if just for the loss of sleep.
I've been doubled up for about a half an hour now, with a rice heat pack stuffed in the waistband of my sweats.
I am so not going to school tomorrow, even if just for the loss of sleep.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
i forget, sometimes,
how much i need nights like tonight.
honestly, with school and thyroid and everything else, i haven't had a chance to laugh in ages.
b, you sure as hell better go to johns hopkins, because mapquest says it's only 3 hours and 43 minutes from pratt. that means that whenever we need each other, we can just hop on trains and get off at a halfway point.
you really made tonight a lot easier.
honestly, with school and thyroid and everything else, i haven't had a chance to laugh in ages.
b, you sure as hell better go to johns hopkins, because mapquest says it's only 3 hours and 43 minutes from pratt. that means that whenever we need each other, we can just hop on trains and get off at a halfway point.
you really made tonight a lot easier.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
hashitoxicosis
It's having hypothyroidism AND hyperthyroidism. At the same time. So you're thinking, Wait, but the symptoms are the exact opposite so they just cancel each other out, right?
Wrong. You have all of them at the same time, often alternating handfuls of the conflicting symptoms within the same day.
Friday they will decide if this is what's wrong with me.
Wrong. You have all of them at the same time, often alternating handfuls of the conflicting symptoms within the same day.
Friday they will decide if this is what's wrong with me.
Monday, May 10, 2010
selfishness.
After reading your post, B, I was listening to the Decemberists' "Angels and Angles" and started thinking.
Let me just say this beforehand: I am not a Biblical literalist, and I believe in evolution. I understand that our views may differ, my readers, but please be tolerant of me. Also, bear with me; I'm going to explain the book in depth in order to make you see the significance of my post.
This year, as a requirement for my HL European History class, I had to read Ishmael by Daniel Quinn. It's the story of a man who genuinely wants to change the world, and, upon finding an ad asking for students who want to change the world, he responds. He attends the class to find a gorilla in a class cage, with a poster with a koan reading "When man is gone, will there be hope for gorilla?" (The other side of the poster is revealed, at the end, to say, "When gorilla is gone, will there be hope for man?") Somehow, the man is able to communicate telepathically with the gorilla (named Ishmael) and partakes in a socratic dialogue with him; perhaps it is just the man's thoughts upon seeing the koan? Regardless, the man comes to the conclusion that man's cultural myth is that man is the pinnacle of evolution, and that society split at the time of the Agricultural Revolution, into two groups: the Takers (those who practice agriculture) and the Leavers (hunter-gatherers).
Quinn is not a Biblical literalist, nor am I, and he uses the story of Cain and Abel to explain agriculture's murder of man's evolution. Basically, Quinn sets up that man took part in the evolutionary process until the onset of the Agricultural Revolution. By setting himself above the other creatures of the earth in claiming land his, man removed himself from evolution and all other creatures must suffer the consequences.
He believes that man is by no means the pinnacle of evolution, and that we must detach ourselves from the thoughts "Mother culture" puts in our minds--those our entire culture as man has been built upon. In order to stop the decay of our species, of other species, of the planet, we must revert to hunter-gatherer societies and live in harmony with the other inhabitants of our earth--which may mean being eaten or being left behind, of infanticide and matricide to maintain population.
The point is, I believe this to be man's natural state. The confusions of our world--the murderers and suicidal people, those who are depressed or suffer from substance abuse, the morbidly obese and the anorexic--were created by our society. This prozac-induced globe is built on fake ideals and goals that have no true meaning or end result.
And until today, I hurt inside with the knowledge that man can do nothing to reverse this--that we're simply going to keep destroying the planet and running our species into the ground until we leave and our poor earth can grow over our cities and start over. And I guess I still do, but I realized today that, were the population to come down to a vote (to continue our wreckage or to revert to hunter-gatherer society), I'd be selfish. I would want to keep my music, my loves, my art. Though our society is completely fucking the evolutionary process and is possibly creating the decay of our planet, though it fosters murder and self-loathing, it also has created the goodness in the world. Though we have to deal with this shit, we can listen to music that makes us cry because of its sheer force, we can feel in every tendon (spiritual and physical), we can love another or even several individuals with more passion than we can fathom giving ourselves.
I'd identify with Maslow, which is maybe why I'd come to that conclusion. There's this struggle within me, between believing that man is nothing special and being inspired and in love with the great human capabilities, that is driving me crazy. I realize that I probably sound like a fool, but this is truly all I've been able to think about this evening. Ishmael was such an eye-opening experience for me, but I have this human inability to give up what I have. Everyone does, but in some way that seems selfish to me. I don't know. I'm only in high school. At this point, I just want to get through my senior year. And for some reason, I'm aching for the death of our world. I don't want to be so obsessive on this topic, but it's truly all I can think about.
Which, I guess, favors my humanistic side. I am enamored with man's ability to think on such levels.
I think this is just cognitive dissonance I'm going to have to put up with.
Opinions?
Thanks for reading my rant, if you made it this far.
<3LA
Let me just say this beforehand: I am not a Biblical literalist, and I believe in evolution. I understand that our views may differ, my readers, but please be tolerant of me. Also, bear with me; I'm going to explain the book in depth in order to make you see the significance of my post.
This year, as a requirement for my HL European History class, I had to read Ishmael by Daniel Quinn. It's the story of a man who genuinely wants to change the world, and, upon finding an ad asking for students who want to change the world, he responds. He attends the class to find a gorilla in a class cage, with a poster with a koan reading "When man is gone, will there be hope for gorilla?" (The other side of the poster is revealed, at the end, to say, "When gorilla is gone, will there be hope for man?") Somehow, the man is able to communicate telepathically with the gorilla (named Ishmael) and partakes in a socratic dialogue with him; perhaps it is just the man's thoughts upon seeing the koan? Regardless, the man comes to the conclusion that man's cultural myth is that man is the pinnacle of evolution, and that society split at the time of the Agricultural Revolution, into two groups: the Takers (those who practice agriculture) and the Leavers (hunter-gatherers).
Quinn is not a Biblical literalist, nor am I, and he uses the story of Cain and Abel to explain agriculture's murder of man's evolution. Basically, Quinn sets up that man took part in the evolutionary process until the onset of the Agricultural Revolution. By setting himself above the other creatures of the earth in claiming land his, man removed himself from evolution and all other creatures must suffer the consequences.
He believes that man is by no means the pinnacle of evolution, and that we must detach ourselves from the thoughts "Mother culture" puts in our minds--those our entire culture as man has been built upon. In order to stop the decay of our species, of other species, of the planet, we must revert to hunter-gatherer societies and live in harmony with the other inhabitants of our earth--which may mean being eaten or being left behind, of infanticide and matricide to maintain population.
The point is, I believe this to be man's natural state. The confusions of our world--the murderers and suicidal people, those who are depressed or suffer from substance abuse, the morbidly obese and the anorexic--were created by our society. This prozac-induced globe is built on fake ideals and goals that have no true meaning or end result.
And until today, I hurt inside with the knowledge that man can do nothing to reverse this--that we're simply going to keep destroying the planet and running our species into the ground until we leave and our poor earth can grow over our cities and start over. And I guess I still do, but I realized today that, were the population to come down to a vote (to continue our wreckage or to revert to hunter-gatherer society), I'd be selfish. I would want to keep my music, my loves, my art. Though our society is completely fucking the evolutionary process and is possibly creating the decay of our planet, though it fosters murder and self-loathing, it also has created the goodness in the world. Though we have to deal with this shit, we can listen to music that makes us cry because of its sheer force, we can feel in every tendon (spiritual and physical), we can love another or even several individuals with more passion than we can fathom giving ourselves.
I'd identify with Maslow, which is maybe why I'd come to that conclusion. There's this struggle within me, between believing that man is nothing special and being inspired and in love with the great human capabilities, that is driving me crazy. I realize that I probably sound like a fool, but this is truly all I've been able to think about this evening. Ishmael was such an eye-opening experience for me, but I have this human inability to give up what I have. Everyone does, but in some way that seems selfish to me. I don't know. I'm only in high school. At this point, I just want to get through my senior year. And for some reason, I'm aching for the death of our world. I don't want to be so obsessive on this topic, but it's truly all I can think about.
Which, I guess, favors my humanistic side. I am enamored with man's ability to think on such levels.
I think this is just cognitive dissonance I'm going to have to put up with.
Opinions?
Thanks for reading my rant, if you made it this far.
<3LA
Friday, May 7, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
My 101st post already?!
Wow.
Anyways. The title of this was going to be changes,
acos' I've been making some big ones.
Well, little ones that are going to have a big impact.
For instance,
I'm joining a thursday night cycling class.
Nightly, I'm doing intensive hindu squats (100 per 5 minutes) and several ab workouts.
I'm going to start going to Bob's every Tuesday and Thursday.
I'm working on eliminating soda from my life (but I can't lie, I'm still allowing myself that carbonated, flavored water from schnucks!)
I'm trying to eat breakfast every day.
I'm starting to brush my teeth three times a day, instead of one or two, like I used to pride myself on.
I'm using proper grammar, punctuation, and capitalization online.
I'm getting caught up on homework and organization.
I'm going to start babysitting again! I've joined two online agencies and I'm working on fliers for BuyLow and the neighborhood.
I'm READING again.
I'm expanding my art horizons. All of a sudden, I feel like David. I just want to go the the library and read EVERY SINGLE BOOK that has to do with art. I am bouncing up and down on the inside to get to New York and DO ART. (I'm even looking forward to doing that damn acrylic that I started first quarter.)
I just feel so alive again, and I'm not going to waste it.
My mom swore after the whole blood clot/hematoma experience that it had all happened so that she would be forced to take time off of work and get her priorities (family before work) straight.
I always kind of scoffed at her for that, but now I understand. I'm not saying that I developed an autoimmune disease that put a black mark through my high school years BECAUSE I needed to quit wasting my life. Looking back, though, I really had no motivation. I was depressed, I was gaining weight, I had devoted myself to an unhealthy vegetarian diet, I refused to work out, I buried myself in school, and yet I yearned to be skinny and happy and popular and BETTER.
Honestly, I think that if I hadn't developed Graves, I wouldn't be who I am now. I think I'd still be depressed and lonely and I'd have kept on living unhealthily.
I had to miss out on living for a year and a half to truly understand that there IS some meaning to life. I didn't realize that I was suffocating myself in those habits. And now that I've been forced into living the extremes, especially the low, I can appreciate my life. I'm not going to take for granted the perspective this has given me.
I'm not going to sit around anymore.
I'm going to run with it.
Anyways. The title of this was going to be changes,
acos' I've been making some big ones.
Well, little ones that are going to have a big impact.
For instance,
I'm joining a thursday night cycling class.
Nightly, I'm doing intensive hindu squats (100 per 5 minutes) and several ab workouts.
I'm going to start going to Bob's every Tuesday and Thursday.
I'm working on eliminating soda from my life (but I can't lie, I'm still allowing myself that carbonated, flavored water from schnucks!)
I'm trying to eat breakfast every day.
I'm starting to brush my teeth three times a day, instead of one or two, like I used to pride myself on.
I'm using proper grammar, punctuation, and capitalization online.
I'm getting caught up on homework and organization.
I'm going to start babysitting again! I've joined two online agencies and I'm working on fliers for BuyLow and the neighborhood.
I'm READING again.
I'm expanding my art horizons. All of a sudden, I feel like David. I just want to go the the library and read EVERY SINGLE BOOK that has to do with art. I am bouncing up and down on the inside to get to New York and DO ART. (I'm even looking forward to doing that damn acrylic that I started first quarter.)
I just feel so alive again, and I'm not going to waste it.
My mom swore after the whole blood clot/hematoma experience that it had all happened so that she would be forced to take time off of work and get her priorities (family before work) straight.
I always kind of scoffed at her for that, but now I understand. I'm not saying that I developed an autoimmune disease that put a black mark through my high school years BECAUSE I needed to quit wasting my life. Looking back, though, I really had no motivation. I was depressed, I was gaining weight, I had devoted myself to an unhealthy vegetarian diet, I refused to work out, I buried myself in school, and yet I yearned to be skinny and happy and popular and BETTER.
Honestly, I think that if I hadn't developed Graves, I wouldn't be who I am now. I think I'd still be depressed and lonely and I'd have kept on living unhealthily.
I had to miss out on living for a year and a half to truly understand that there IS some meaning to life. I didn't realize that I was suffocating myself in those habits. And now that I've been forced into living the extremes, especially the low, I can appreciate my life. I'm not going to take for granted the perspective this has given me.
I'm not going to sit around anymore.
I'm going to run with it.
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