yesterday was an awful, awful day for me & it apparently was for a lot of my friends. alea had some pretty rough critiques right in a row, leah broke up with charlie, dan is having problems with his friend who is suicidal & in love with him, and tj feels alone & overstressed. literally last night in the lounge there was at least one person crying at all times. it was pathetic and sad and everyone felt like their own problems were the most important.
katie and i are fighting because she has literally taken over my space. i can't listen to music when i sleep, i can't turn my closet light on, i can't have people over when she's sleeping (even though she has people over to smoke weed while i sleep). And not to mention, she has her posters all over the place & I dont have anywhere to put mine. she completely attacked me yesterday, telling me that i have to use the light from my phone to access my things at night and only that. not to mention she lets people sleep over on my couch (three piss-drunk gay boys in doc martens, nonetheless. doc martens on a white couch? no.) without even telling me they're going to be there, let alone ask.
it's not fair. i'm talking to her today about moving the room around so that my closet is closer to the kitchen and her bed is by the windows. if she won't do that, i'm going to get my RA involved, because this is ridiculous. it was my room first (and i hate saying that but she's a manipulative bitch), and i should be able to feel at home there.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
last night was lovely
i went to a Jessie Baylin concert with isaac last night, and at the end of the night while we were waiting for his train, I reached for his hand & he kissed me. and for the entire time I was kissing him, I wasn't thinking about dylan or how I looked or anything that I always find myself stressing over.
things are nice right now. I don't want to be in love right now, but it's good to feel close to someone and to hold someone's hand and to just be. it's weird; I've realized that I've still been looking at the world through high school eyes, and it doesn't have to be that way. I've already run through these lines once and starting again doesn't mean the same thing as it did the first time.
food for thought
things are nice right now. I don't want to be in love right now, but it's good to feel close to someone and to hold someone's hand and to just be. it's weird; I've realized that I've still been looking at the world through high school eyes, and it doesn't have to be that way. I've already run through these lines once and starting again doesn't mean the same thing as it did the first time.
food for thought
Thursday, February 23, 2012
life moves
yesterday a guy I used to know died. and for some reason it has had the biggest effect on my life. I didn't know him that well, but i remember when he added me on myspace, and i saw him a lot at shows. he was always so nice when we talked online. had i known back then that he would die the day before his nineteenth birthday, i wouldn't have believed it. a lot of people i know have posted about him today and last night, and for some reason i just can't shake it. he was a volunteer firefighter at the fire department by my house. the truck ran off the road and flipped, and he died. it's just hard to believe.
that, and i found out a friend of mine from middle school is pregnant and engaged. it's just incredible to me how life is moving in every different direction around me.
next year i will have an apartment and a job and a dog and a rent payment and a lot of other things that make life feel more tangible. and yet i don't know what i'm doing or where i'm going or when i'm going to fall in love again.
this has been a post, okay then.
that, and i found out a friend of mine from middle school is pregnant and engaged. it's just incredible to me how life is moving in every different direction around me.
next year i will have an apartment and a job and a dog and a rent payment and a lot of other things that make life feel more tangible. and yet i don't know what i'm doing or where i'm going or when i'm going to fall in love again.
this has been a post, okay then.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
yesterday was a stress bomb
quite literally.
being a 12-hour day as all of my tuesdays are, every moment of my day yesterday was in some way rushed. I started the morning with having forgotten to prepare a presentation for my class' craft teach-in that day and, after being called to give the first presentation, had to work on my feet to teach a class of crafters how to use adobe illustrator. which would have been a feat even if i had been prepared.
after lunch, I worked in the woodshop for three hours, scavenging for scrap wood and operating a ginormous table saw with teeny tiny pieces of wood. questionable emotional stability due to unpreparedness for the day + fear for my life/fingers = an incredibly nerve-wracking afternoon.
following that I had a 1.5 hour typography lab which I spent finishing the homework due that day & then tumbling while still trying to keep up. a classmate at this point told me that I had 22 type layouts due the next day, bound into a book. (this was the point at which i started panicking because i had felt so on top of things but had forgotten so much work.)
my last class of the day (a 3-hour fibers lab) consisted of holding back tears while trying to justify the point of view of a piece I hadn't read and then sitting in front of a sewing machine. ripping and joining fabrics was the only relaxed part of my day.
after that i went home and pulled an all-nighter to finish my type assignment for the class i'm in now. come to find out the girl who told me it was due was wrong; it's not due until next class, but I didn't know since I missed last class. oops! at least i feel ahead for the first time in a few days. Since I've already finished what my class will be working on today, I can use the morning half to fix up my sleepy type work & take the second half to catch up on my art history homework (a take-home quiz due tomorrow) and think of proposals for my newest project, which I'll have to start developing on friday.
I talked to alea last night about some mixed emotions i've been having about seeing someone (isaac) and possibly feeling conflicted because of my feelings for someone else (dan). But she really did help me in determining that I'm just overthinking things and I shouldn't let that ruin the good thing I've got going with Isaac. He was so sweet yesterday after I explained that I practically ignored him all day because my stress was too high to deal with his texts, and that's what I need right now. Sweetness. And best friends in Bloomington and Chicago to get me through this rough time. And I need to start being that for more people.
I also find out about the RA position today, too, which is another matter in itself. I've already listed all the reasons I want it/it won't be the end of the world if I don't get it, but it'd sure be a nice end to my stressful few days to find out ResLife wants me.
long sigh of relief.
this day will be easy.
being a 12-hour day as all of my tuesdays are, every moment of my day yesterday was in some way rushed. I started the morning with having forgotten to prepare a presentation for my class' craft teach-in that day and, after being called to give the first presentation, had to work on my feet to teach a class of crafters how to use adobe illustrator. which would have been a feat even if i had been prepared.
after lunch, I worked in the woodshop for three hours, scavenging for scrap wood and operating a ginormous table saw with teeny tiny pieces of wood. questionable emotional stability due to unpreparedness for the day + fear for my life/fingers = an incredibly nerve-wracking afternoon.
following that I had a 1.5 hour typography lab which I spent finishing the homework due that day & then tumbling while still trying to keep up. a classmate at this point told me that I had 22 type layouts due the next day, bound into a book. (this was the point at which i started panicking because i had felt so on top of things but had forgotten so much work.)
my last class of the day (a 3-hour fibers lab) consisted of holding back tears while trying to justify the point of view of a piece I hadn't read and then sitting in front of a sewing machine. ripping and joining fabrics was the only relaxed part of my day.
after that i went home and pulled an all-nighter to finish my type assignment for the class i'm in now. come to find out the girl who told me it was due was wrong; it's not due until next class, but I didn't know since I missed last class. oops! at least i feel ahead for the first time in a few days. Since I've already finished what my class will be working on today, I can use the morning half to fix up my sleepy type work & take the second half to catch up on my art history homework (a take-home quiz due tomorrow) and think of proposals for my newest project, which I'll have to start developing on friday.
I talked to alea last night about some mixed emotions i've been having about seeing someone (isaac) and possibly feeling conflicted because of my feelings for someone else (dan). But she really did help me in determining that I'm just overthinking things and I shouldn't let that ruin the good thing I've got going with Isaac. He was so sweet yesterday after I explained that I practically ignored him all day because my stress was too high to deal with his texts, and that's what I need right now. Sweetness. And best friends in Bloomington and Chicago to get me through this rough time. And I need to start being that for more people.
I also find out about the RA position today, too, which is another matter in itself. I've already listed all the reasons I want it/it won't be the end of the world if I don't get it, but it'd sure be a nice end to my stressful few days to find out ResLife wants me.
long sigh of relief.
this day will be easy.
Monday, February 20, 2012
i have finally deleted everything of dylan from my life
he's been blocked from everything of mine except for my tumblr (I love my url too much--I guess I just won't be able to post as much personal stuff on there) and i've deleted all of his pictures. i expected it to be freeing, but i felt nothing--a sure sign that i'm over him. and that feels especially great.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
oh and btw
to dylan, although I honestly hope you've moved on enough never to see this: you can't say you miss me one day and broadcast on your Facebook that i sent your heart through a wood chipper the next. you cant post things on your blog that say "you can pretend you dont know me but I've seen you naked" when you're the one who told me not to talk to you or your family. you can't say you'd still love to have me back when your best friend has been harassing me on Facebook with the intention of making me feel like shit.
it's not fair for you to make me feel guilty for moving on. you need to let me go.
it's not fair for you to make me feel guilty for moving on. you need to let me go.
I went on a date tonight
and it was actually pretty great. he's a little awkward and I'm a little bit more of an intense person than he is, but it was fun and I'm not looking for anything serious right now, so I think it will be good. he's out of town next weekend, but asked me to do something with him when he gets back, which is good.
it's weird to be going out with someone, and it's especially weird for me to be going out with someone who 1.) I met online and 2.) I'm attracted to intellectually more than I currently am physically. not to say that dylan's & my relationship was all physical; it's just that the intellectual/social attraction came after physical attraction.
but I had a good time and he paid for the movie and I have plans for the weekend after next. and it feels good to feel good without any restrictions. i could be ready for another relationship very soon but right now it's just nice to see a movie and get dinner and have plans for the weekend after next. no labels, just being.
it's weird to be going out with someone, and it's especially weird for me to be going out with someone who 1.) I met online and 2.) I'm attracted to intellectually more than I currently am physically. not to say that dylan's & my relationship was all physical; it's just that the intellectual/social attraction came after physical attraction.
but I had a good time and he paid for the movie and I have plans for the weekend after next. and it feels good to feel good without any restrictions. i could be ready for another relationship very soon but right now it's just nice to see a movie and get dinner and have plans for the weekend after next. no labels, just being.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
blake
i'm so sorry, and i didn't mean to say that our friendship has to end because my relationship with dylan did, i just need time to process everything. i'd like for us to be able to talk in person, but i don't know how to make that happen. let's just let go of it all. im not mad, im just in a really weird place right now.
Monday, February 13, 2012
brak:
i'm really not angry, and i was trying really hard not to seem that way when we were talking. i'm still a little hurt, but it's not like I'm angry with you. i just feel like everything in my life is so different now. it seems stupid to say this, but I feel like in some ways my breaking up with dylan tore you & i apart because we'd become dependent on talking about our boys & sex lives for so long. it's like we don't really have as much to talk about anymore. i don't know. i've just worked so hard through this breakup on my own that it's still very, very hard for me to let people back in, especially people who couldnt be there to hold my hand through all of it. i want things to go back to normal, and i miss you too. it's just all transitional right now and i don't know where things are going.
so this blog has basically become the place where i put things that i want to tell someone but don't want most people to know
and i guess that's okay by me.
I started an okcupid account today, and honestly, i think it could bring some good things into my life. i'm not looking for anything serious at all, but i feel like i need to go on a date with SOMEONE to see where exactly my feelings are right now. and a really, REALLY attractive guy just messaged me. so let's hope everything goes well!
I started an okcupid account today, and honestly, i think it could bring some good things into my life. i'm not looking for anything serious at all, but i feel like i need to go on a date with SOMEONE to see where exactly my feelings are right now. and a really, REALLY attractive guy just messaged me. so let's hope everything goes well!
Saturday, February 11, 2012
"the sound the microwave just made right now. oh my god"
"i just got lost in text right now. synthesizing your own thoughts, writing them down is so amazing"
"i cant even spell nat geo right now. like g-e-o, that's weird"
"i dont have actual words for that"
"this pen is really cool. is this mine? oh wow i didn't even know i had this"
"have you ever looked at soundwaves? theyre just like infinitely changeable and interchangable but they're just another aesthetic level"
"i have to be honest i havent tried to read anything all day. this is the first time ive tried reading anything on acid and it's so hard." "i know, man, oh my god i TYPED."
"i still have to consider the Blingee" "oh my god, i can't even take Blingee right now"
"wait have we looked at my nails yet? because they're iridescent"
"i feel like most of me transcends words"
"its so distracting to have a beautiful teacher" "well that's only if you dont think of her as an aesthetic object, you just have to penetrate--" "WOAHHHHH" "no guys this is a serious point. you have to look past her as how she looks"
"can we just consider this bedspread? its so beautiful. wait fix that crease...oh that's so much better"
"that thought jut made me stagger. everyone stop. it's such insanity that one little object can just send me on such a trip. put that down."
"no it's so weird, gene and i just literally became the same person. every night we reassimilated and then went apart"
literally i'm the only sober person in my room and this shit is HILARIOUS
"i just got lost in text right now. synthesizing your own thoughts, writing them down is so amazing"
"i cant even spell nat geo right now. like g-e-o, that's weird"
"i dont have actual words for that"
"this pen is really cool. is this mine? oh wow i didn't even know i had this"
"have you ever looked at soundwaves? theyre just like infinitely changeable and interchangable but they're just another aesthetic level"
"i have to be honest i havent tried to read anything all day. this is the first time ive tried reading anything on acid and it's so hard." "i know, man, oh my god i TYPED."
"i still have to consider the Blingee" "oh my god, i can't even take Blingee right now"
"wait have we looked at my nails yet? because they're iridescent"
"i feel like most of me transcends words"
"its so distracting to have a beautiful teacher" "well that's only if you dont think of her as an aesthetic object, you just have to penetrate--" "WOAHHHHH" "no guys this is a serious point. you have to look past her as how she looks"
"can we just consider this bedspread? its so beautiful. wait fix that crease...oh that's so much better"
"that thought jut made me stagger. everyone stop. it's such insanity that one little object can just send me on such a trip. put that down."
"no it's so weird, gene and i just literally became the same person. every night we reassimilated and then went apart"
literally i'm the only sober person in my room and this shit is HILARIOUS
hahahahaha
my roommate & her friends are on acid & i'm pissing my pants laughing at what they're doing. i never want to do acid, oh my god
saturday morning
sometimes when i wake up (especially after a night of great sleep) it's very easy to forget where i am. i was looking t the window and realized that the top of the fire escape that seems so far down from my room is the same ladder that seems so high up when i'm walking down the alley to park my bike. i'm living on the 9th floor of a high-rise in the heart of chicago, and it seems so amazing to me.
last night i went to a party & all of my friends dressed up. we had rosewater cupcakes and red wine and danced to a 50's love song playlist one of my friends had made. it was probably the most adorable and genuine moments i've had at school. it was such a great time. i'll post pictures when i get them, because i can't put most of them on facebook. (i can't wait until i'm 21 so all of my cute pictures can actually be seen by people who don't come into my room & look at the pictures by my desk.
anyways, today is a relaxation & production day. i have to make a presentation for my research class on tuesday, edit some typography for my type tech on tuesday & my typography class on wednesday, do some reading for fibers, typography, and art history, and get a head start on my art history essay that's due the first of march. i really think i'll be able to get most of it done today, and that's exciting to me. i also need to mail some stuff to my momma for valentine's day, so i've got to think of something to make her. maybe i'll bind her a book today.
i'm finding a way to be single here. did i wish that maybe something would develop between me & a friend who was at the party? yes. do i think it will happen? no. unfortunately there are a lot of people here who are incredibly difficult to read, and everyone is a little lonely. so it's hard to have expectations for anything. but i hope for new people to walk into my life every day, and for now i'm working on me.
last night i went to a party & all of my friends dressed up. we had rosewater cupcakes and red wine and danced to a 50's love song playlist one of my friends had made. it was probably the most adorable and genuine moments i've had at school. it was such a great time. i'll post pictures when i get them, because i can't put most of them on facebook. (i can't wait until i'm 21 so all of my cute pictures can actually be seen by people who don't come into my room & look at the pictures by my desk.
anyways, today is a relaxation & production day. i have to make a presentation for my research class on tuesday, edit some typography for my type tech on tuesday & my typography class on wednesday, do some reading for fibers, typography, and art history, and get a head start on my art history essay that's due the first of march. i really think i'll be able to get most of it done today, and that's exciting to me. i also need to mail some stuff to my momma for valentine's day, so i've got to think of something to make her. maybe i'll bind her a book today.
i'm finding a way to be single here. did i wish that maybe something would develop between me & a friend who was at the party? yes. do i think it will happen? no. unfortunately there are a lot of people here who are incredibly difficult to read, and everyone is a little lonely. so it's hard to have expectations for anything. but i hope for new people to walk into my life every day, and for now i'm working on me.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
valentine's
so it's the first "alone" in a few years, but I'm actually looking forward to valentine's day this year. Tomorrow my friends and I are getting dressed up (yes, actually) in celebration of V day to bake cupcakes and drink wine & champagne together. I got a package from my mom the other day and she sent my cupcake liners and boxes as my valentine, which will enable me to financially be able to make cupcake valentines for all of my friends, which i'm really looking forward to doing. i love my friends here and i've recently realized how quickly time goes...i don't want to take any moment for granted because it's really likely that life will take us into very different places as soon as next year (several friends are looking to leave SAIC because of financial issues, some of us may be RAs whereas most will move all over chicago into different apartments, some are even thinking of taking a leave of absence to travel). I have always been very good at adaptation, but sometimes it's very easy to get nostalgia for the present when things are so great now and i'm aware that the future could be vastly different.
i had my RA interview this past weekend and i'll know whether or not i've become a part of reslife on february 22. my group interview was absolutely fabulous. members of my group, when prompted about who in the group was a leader, pointed to me when i didn't see it in myself, and that felt really great. my one-on-one (or really two-to-one)interview could really go either way. i could tell that a lot of what i said was the "right" answer by the reactions of my two interviewers, but i was incredibly nervous, almost to the point of crying at times (and then, of course, i felt stupid for crying and was yelling at myself in my head about it, which only made me want to cry more). I think my interviewer could tell, because at times she would draw me off on tangents to the conversation about what music I like and telling me about funny posters that related to a comment I made about my RA. Which helped, a lot. I guess I really can't feel bad if I don't make it (there were literally 75+ people who interviewed, and only 15 spots are available) but I would really, really, REALLY love to be an RA. It's a stressful job, but it takes off the stress of 1.) finding housing and 2.) finding a job. And it's a developmental experience, which is what I want from college. I want to be better than I am when I leave here. Some pros to being rejected: housing with friends (likely alea). GITSY BABY IN CHITOWN <3. visitors without limit. job opportunities (neighborhoods = more small businesses in need of help). incense! parties! music! what the fuck ever! studio space! being able to make encaustic works in my own studio! etc, etc.
~~~
things are good here. stressful, but good. katie and i are having a few bumps (she hates my alarm clock, i hate that she doesn't wash her toothpaste spit out of the sink after brushing her teeth, we are both messy and don't like doing dishes) but it's much better than how forced things were with sarah. i'm creating artwork that i adore and that is compelling. i'm working on setting up an etsy shop and selling at a local store (wolfbait & b-girls) as soon as I decide what exactly i'd like to sell. i've been making sketches for future projects and living a generally very happy, quiet life. things are a bit lonely, i guess, but in general everything is looking up. i've been talking to my mom a lot more, which has been good. it's weird to think that i've only been back here 3 weeks; it already feels as though i never left. which is nice. it's as though i have completely separate lives in chicago and evansville.
anyways, i've been writing this during my art history survey & i'm sure i've missed lots of important things about 20th century architecture
i had my RA interview this past weekend and i'll know whether or not i've become a part of reslife on february 22. my group interview was absolutely fabulous. members of my group, when prompted about who in the group was a leader, pointed to me when i didn't see it in myself, and that felt really great. my one-on-one (or really two-to-one)interview could really go either way. i could tell that a lot of what i said was the "right" answer by the reactions of my two interviewers, but i was incredibly nervous, almost to the point of crying at times (and then, of course, i felt stupid for crying and was yelling at myself in my head about it, which only made me want to cry more). I think my interviewer could tell, because at times she would draw me off on tangents to the conversation about what music I like and telling me about funny posters that related to a comment I made about my RA. Which helped, a lot. I guess I really can't feel bad if I don't make it (there were literally 75+ people who interviewed, and only 15 spots are available) but I would really, really, REALLY love to be an RA. It's a stressful job, but it takes off the stress of 1.) finding housing and 2.) finding a job. And it's a developmental experience, which is what I want from college. I want to be better than I am when I leave here. Some pros to being rejected: housing with friends (likely alea). GITSY BABY IN CHITOWN <3. visitors without limit. job opportunities (neighborhoods = more small businesses in need of help). incense! parties! music! what the fuck ever! studio space! being able to make encaustic works in my own studio! etc, etc.
~~~
things are good here. stressful, but good. katie and i are having a few bumps (she hates my alarm clock, i hate that she doesn't wash her toothpaste spit out of the sink after brushing her teeth, we are both messy and don't like doing dishes) but it's much better than how forced things were with sarah. i'm creating artwork that i adore and that is compelling. i'm working on setting up an etsy shop and selling at a local store (wolfbait & b-girls) as soon as I decide what exactly i'd like to sell. i've been making sketches for future projects and living a generally very happy, quiet life. things are a bit lonely, i guess, but in general everything is looking up. i've been talking to my mom a lot more, which has been good. it's weird to think that i've only been back here 3 weeks; it already feels as though i never left. which is nice. it's as though i have completely separate lives in chicago and evansville.
anyways, i've been writing this during my art history survey & i'm sure i've missed lots of important things about 20th century architecture
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
wonderful
things are wonderful. literally every aspect of my life is in some way fulfilled. I've been working out in the exercise room every day, usually with friends, I've been exploring new practices in my artmaking, and i've picked up a new hobby: subversive cross-stitching. I'm having a ball, I'm building healthy relationships, I'm going with the flow. I have an interview on Sunday for a position as an RA on SAIC reslife and I'm taking an application into Blick this afternoon. Things are looking way, way up. it's weird because it's as if I've had a completely new start; the way I used to live is so foreign to me now that I hardly remember it. and of course it's very unfortunate that this newfound life was birthed of the ashes of an unexplainably happy period of my life, but that's the way things go, I guess. we live and let go and grab on to something new.
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