look at how beautiful

she is. her position reminds me of a classic pin up girl, haha. i think i might have found a piece of my concentration for next semester?

i am

i am not who i want to be, physically.
i am not who i want to be, intellectually.
i am not who i want to be, romantically.
i am not who i want to be, emotional stability-wise.
i am not who i want to be, health-wise.

i am not who i want to be, wholly.


but i know who i am,
and i love her.
i know that i'll probably never be physically perfect in mine or anyone else's eyes, and that suits me just fine.
i know that i'm not the next isaac newton or albert einstein, but i have years to grow and learn into my own intellect.
i know that i am the best girlfriend i can be, that i love dylan and he loves me. and eventually, when the time is right, we can take that last step in our intimate relationship together.
i know that it's getting a tad bit easier to let my heart out of its box every now and then with every day that goes by.
i know that as soon as my thyroid levels are settled, i can get there.


i'm happy with who i am. i know that spiritually, i'm content with what i've got. and for now, that's good enough. i'm not going to wait until one day i'm magically who i want to be. i'm going to live, and i'll celebrate along the way with every new accomplishment i make on my list of the ideal me.

merry christmas

my christmas was, surprisingly, a happy one.
my mom felt better, making laps around the nurses' station and actually keeping down a meal.

we walked around with her, got dinner in the cafeteria (aka ate $26 of shit), shared cookies while momma ate her dinner, played bullshit, watched some "fa la la la lifetime" movie, and came back to the hotel.

i left my phone in the car, and i think i'm going to leave it there. it's blizzarding out there and my hair is wet, plus im too tired to talk to anyone except dylan anyways. and that way, my entire extended family can't call at the buttcrack of dawn, waking me up just as i fall asleep from hanging up the last call.

blahhhhh.

hopefully i'll be home by the 29th, me and dylan's 4-month. that would be nice.

i keep falling asleep between sentences;
goodnight.

i miss my man

like no one's business.

solace has come

in the form of a song.

"a ring around the moon" by balance problems.
no other song could possibly better describe my situation right now.

"it's quiet here, and i have learned to breathe. / rest easily, i promise not to leave."



take it as you will,
but i'm giving this to you.

i'm retreating inside myself for a while. i'm learning to deal with who i am, to stop being so dissonant in my actions to how i need to be functioning. my heart is safe inside its box.

but don't fret, don't leave me here. i'll be back, and maybe next time i won't fuck it up so much.
i'm here, i'm just a bit preoccupied.

lonely antonia is back.

i guess it's a good thing i never changed the name of my blog because you, my two readers, are probably the only people in the world who don't think i'm malicious and conniving. possibly even including me.

i had my first serious breakdown in a long time. the kind that i used to have, only probably about ten times worse. it started out with me getting pissed at my dad. my mom jumped in so that i got pissed at her, and not him, because she didn't want me resenting him if she doesn't make it past this blood clot. stupid, yes, but effective. i yelled at her instead. and she cried. she cried and asked me, "why are you dong this?"

and that question right there sent me hurdling into the person i used to be. the person i had locked up inside of me, but who had been secretly keeping tally of every wrong i've ever committed.

when i was a little girl, i used to sob and sob in bed, longing to beg forgiveness of whoever i had ever hurt in my lifetime. my mom would have to tell me that they probably weren't even affected by whatever i thought had "changed the way they looked at me."(that's the way i put it.) that it was okay to let go and to forgive myself.

and i would fall asleep, not-so wracked with guilt anymore, and eventually that monster of guilt could be locked up by my six-year-old arms. or that's what i thought.

i guess i just couldn't control it anymore...the tallies had overtaken and flooded the doors that bound that guilt inside of me. but this time, it was different than when i was six. because i am seventeen, but the six-year-old in me came out. and she was terrified of what she had become. she cried until her nose bled and she dry-heaved on the bathroom floor. and the seventeen me was scared, too. we were both terrified of this monster i became. the six-year-old part couldn't stop repeating to her daddy not to open the door, that i am bad and would hurt him. and i just kept hating myself, because i, at seventeen, am capable of turning that fear into hatred.

i wanted myself dead for having become such a horrible entity. for realizing that as i cried, my sick mother got sicker and sicker, which sent me into heavier sobs and the search for a toilet bowl. i had literally lost the ability to walk. i was entirely too human. (i refuse to let myself think subhuman. i was dealing with the emotions of a six-year-old, but they had the force of much more than that. i handled it as best i could.) and when my mom made me go to her room and hug her, i recoiled. i fell back to the floor where i belonged and wrapped myself in my limbs as my dad pushed and pulled me to her.

and in that moment when he pushed me, i closed my heart off. i realized the power, began using it when i could. especially when sitting across from my mother's psychiatrist. a situation i can't handle because she just shoves more emotion down my already drowning trachea.



so that's what i've been forced to. i lock my heart in a little box, and no one can have it except me and the two of you and gitsy and sometimes my mommy. no one else is allowed to touch it, because they pinch it and twist it and try to shove it into an even tinier box.

right now, my heart needs help. it's terrified that it can't be loved. that it's mommy is dying. that it's alone. that it can't go on with all of this weight piled on top of it.

it needs love. so that's what i'm begging for now. i need you to help me hold my heart, and to love it for me even when i can't. especially when i can't.

i love you two so much, and i'll try so hard not to hurt you. i know i'm bad at that. and i'll try to stay open to you. i'm sorry if i ever can't be...just tell me if you see me start to close myself off to you, and i'll try to stay open. i will.






this sounds scary, rereading it.
and it is. but i'm not gone, and i'm not mental.
i'm here.

christmas

was good. i got much of what i asked for, and even some things that i didn't. it was a peaceful night.

i'm in rochester, minnesota now. the drive up here was absolute hell.

i miss gitsy and dylan, big time. i have no one to snuggle under the blankies with.

i had a bit of a breakdown on saturday. it was probably the worst i've ever had. i drafted a blog on my phone, but i don't know if i'm going to post it. we'll see.

today was so bad

so so so bad.

and i've still got to do my english and art finals !
i'm so tired
and today as a whole was rock-bottom. every aspect of it.
i didnt get to see boyfran,
i didnt talk to ANYONE, literally.

i couldn't. it was beyond me. everything besides talking to my mom, or disappearing into the shins.

gahhhh.


christmas, my christmas, is going to be on sunday.
and then we leave town until god knows when.

rochester, MN.

REALLY?

the first time i have a new year's kiss to share?

the first time i actually want to spend christmas here?

what. the. fuck.

btw

i talked with my mom tonight. she could tell i was really distracted in my studying for the music theatre final and could tell when jaime walked into the room that it was because of what he said to me that one night a few weeks back. anyways. she decided to have him try to apologize again, and to have me tell him that i would work on forgiving him, trusting him, respecting him, etc.

she asked him if he loved me, if he respected me, if he saw me as his sister, if i ruined his life.
he said "um," "honestly, no," "no. if we werent related, we wouldn't be friends. we have different ideals completely." but then he said something that struck me. he said that i didnt ruin his life, that he did. that if he had paid attention and not been depressed in elementary school, he'd get straight a's now.

he inferred that his life wouldnt be "ruined" if he got good grades. my mom then tried to explain that success in school doesn't mean everything. she asked me if i was ever happy in all the years i got straight a's.

"nope."

she told jaime that i am "more real and alive now that [i make] shitty grades than [i] ever was, because [i] know more about [myself] and how [i learn.] which proves that school isn't everything."





:)
thank god for momma.
i needed to hear that.

welcome, finals week.

just know that the entire population hates you

and you deserve to die.

so, to put this nicely,

FUCK YOU, FINALS.

mom is home

for the hospital. thank goodness.

we're all trying our hardest to make things easy for her.

right now, i feel especially close to her. i hope it stays that way; i need my momma.

hell-week, a week early

i've been staying up late to finish homework, therefore waking up late and having to pay for parking instead of lunch, walking into band late, zoning during euro, sleeping during second period. lunch is generally spent standing or sitting on the floor in the commons, sometimes eating but always doing homework. i end up pretending to take notes through third, then generally texting my way through fourth. and then i either sit through the hell that is music theatre, or i cling to my boyfriend for the short about of time we have until he works or i have to leave. then i go to the hospital and up to my mom's room, often falling asleep or holding back tears for a few tortured hours until i have to go home, eat, and repeat.

that's not to say that everything is shit; my self-esteem still remains untouched by all of this and my physical esteem wasn't even that bad. it's just getting way too tiring to keep this up. especially with finals around the corner. i swear, i'm going to do nothing but sleep the first three days of winter break. and until then, i'm allowing my room to stay in temporary disrepair, i'm wearing what i feel like, even if that's boy sweatpants and dylan's jacket for two days straight.

i decided not to try out for the musical today.

i surprised myself in doing that. but i think

hope

it's for the better. it's a kander & ebb murder mystery musical, and fucking hilarious. i'm definitely missing out, but i think my reasoning was that this way i can maintain some sort of a social life, my grades won't suffer so much, i'll get more free time in music theatre, etc.

plus, with my mom possibly not being able to go to work, i can find something to do that will allow me to earn a little cash to help my family out. even if it's just (god forbid) yardwork or selling my artwork. my family is first and foremost.

and so are my grades.

i just checked powerschool, and i want to vomit. i seriously can't comprehend why i'm having so much trouble. and if my mom can't pull an EIT out of her ass before christmas, i don't know what i'm going to do. because at this point, there's absolutely no way i'll get above a D in european history, a C in math, and a B in music theatre. the rest of my grades will be low As or high Bs. no big. but euro is really suffering and i need extra credit or i'm going to have to retake the semester.

oh, & i think i'm getting sick again.

joy.

i'm going to go find my dad and have him help me with my take-home test

so hopefully i won't fail this semester of math, too.

i love you

no matter what they say and no matter how long we last.

you are my shining star and my teddy bear. my anchor.

i've never trusted anyone as much as i trust you.
i've never felt as close to anyone as i feel to you.
i've never felt so comfortably vulnerable with anyone as i do with you.

falling asleep on your couch like we did, i never wanted to get up. i could have lain there with you for an eternity. my heart is cringing now at the thought of going up to bed and not having you there with me.

i'm even more sure with every day that goes by that i am in love with you.
you amaze me, dylan.
i love you.

not-so-lonely antonia

i'm thinking about changing the title
because i may have been lonely antonia when this started, but i'm not anymoreeee.

maybe something in that last post? it's a song by big d and the kids table, by the way.
i really like the like "her chest's a window so you can always see her heart"
but don't know how to employ it. or if i should even consider changing it?

all i know is that i'm not-so-lonely antonia
now.

i've got me some true friends.



other than that, i really have no updates.

i need to remember to eat
because i keep forgetting, or don't have the time, funds, or inclination to eat.

and i did eat lunch today. but after not eating lunch or really any dinner yesterday, the slice of pizza i had at angelo's at 11:30 really did nothing for me past about 4:30. and then, of course, i had labwork today and had to pull over on the way home to walk around and wake myself up while trying not to upset my dizziness too much.

so then i got home a little before 6, and slept until 9:30. and i have a shit ton of homework to do right now.



these freezing cold nights, i miss dylan more than ever. i'm sure i'd have no problem sleeping if i were curled up in his arms. sometimes i wish i were in college, for just that reason. because god knows i would never disobey my parents by sneaking a boy over while they sleep, and if the two of us were in college right now, i'd be falling asleep with him every night.


which brings me to this:
blake--i've been thinking really heavily over our lunch topic ever since math class. i still don't know why i lose all intelligible means of communication every time we have that type of discussion, but i've been thinking about that. it's not so much as i have difficulties discussing those matters, with you or with him, but it's just that sometimes i don't know what i feel. i guess it's just the conflicting situations of being stuck in this adolescent era--we can be very childish and carefree, and we can also be very serious. i like tickle fights and all the silly things that we do, and i also like when we're really serious, emotionally and physically. and as a teenager, there are no real guidelines as to how far each should go. they have to meet somewhere in the middle, and especially because it's my first real relationship, i think i worry a bit too much that the two won't ever truly come to a concrete balance. and maybe i'm wrong...the two aspects are both quite lovely, and i love that i can have both. it's just that i think that's where the issue is right now. we've had so much of this goofing-off, childlike relationship and then very deep, serious conversation, but no room in between to be adolescents, sneaking off with dad's beer and laughing and speeding the whole way back home, smoothing each others hair and having time for one last kiss before curfew calls.
figuratively, of course.
but do you know what i mean? the "problem" per se isn't rooted with either of us, it's that our parents and friends have wanted us to stay with them and we're too polite to say no. so we wait.
and we don't have the time to "act our age" when we're together.


you two are lucky in that sense, haha. people leave you to each other.



i guess that's all...i still need to shower and pull a presentation on Voltaire out of my ass tonight.

she knows her way

She only heads out when it’s late and dark
No need to worry, she’s smooth, she’s smart
I’ll see her later ‘cause we can’t be apart
You tell me my girls trouble, yes, you tell me my girls trouble, ‘cause she
Falls, gets back up, stumbles round, spins around, then just
Falls, gets back up, stumbles round, spins around
She melts into the night in her own rude way
Blown into the party like a warm hurricane – she says
“It’s nice to be
Drunk from love”
She knows she’s floating, but she can’t never get enough
Sings your name
Her word is art
Her chest’s a window, so you can always see her heart
Her chest’s a window, so you can always see her heart
Wayfaring drunkard dancing home, well she departs
But she knows her way back home
Sings to a branch that she passes on her way
Dances for a little sleepy pleased stray
Talks to a crow she’s named a Mr. Blue Jay
I’ll tell you my girl’s wonders, yes, I’ll tell you my girl’s wonders
She’s walking staring upward, staring upward, singing something
Kinda feeling like a devil on her way up to the heavens
She likes long, drawn, French songs
Stops to sit
The sidewalk
Bass is low, she sings a Ms. Bardot song
Space is high, she yawns and rubs her eyes
Then she calls me on her tele, just to tell me ‘bout
A spider she finds pretty, a red polka-dotted spider
Police drive by and see her talking to the stars
Police have her put her hands on the car
“Where are you heading, Ms.?”
“76 Franklin, see that’s where my baby lives”
Here I sit
My porch stairs
I breathe and squint
My cat sits by me
Way down the street I see my girl, she floats, yes, and dances slowly to me
Sits on me, hugging, both quiet in the dark
Whispering, ’cause it’s a direct line to the heart
There is no distance that is keeping us apart
You tell me my girl’s trouble, but you just don’t know her wonders
And the waiting, whoa-oh
Yes, the love of waiting, whoa-oh
Yes, the love of waiting, whoa-oh
Yes, my love of waiting
For her