well, nevermind then.

that last blog still rings true,
but i feel really accomplished with myself right now.

i attended music theatre, picked jaime up from the library, vacuumed my room, cleaned up some dirty clothes i left out last night, put away some clean ones i left out this morning, watched a film festival movie (the rage in placid lake (placid lake is the unfortunate son of two hippie extremists (they sent him off to his first day of kindergarten in a dress, telling him to be unafraid of sexual exploration( ! )))), moved my futon back into my room, gave gitsy a bath, shaved (blake, i know you understand the impressiveness of this feat :P), watched house, and am now settling down at 11:00 to do my math homework and write my commentary, a stale diet coke and the assignment sheet in hand.

sure, those last two things could have been put to better use a little higher up on my priorities list, but they're still going to get done, so i'm not allowing myself to freak out.

this is what i would assume "normal" feels like. i truly love it.

i remember that ending the day with a feeling like this once would have been mediocre to me,
longing for the infinite feeling of summer nights and happy hour at sonic.
but now it feels good, and productive, and right.

good night. :]

"back to where we started,

losing who we were.


everyone knows that you'd break your neck to keep your chin up."










"chin up, kid."
that's all i get from the pitying yet somehow still disapproving glances of teachers as i try my hardest to keep my head off the desk,
from "friends" who "really hope" that riley will be able to fix "this," ("this," being the disease they forgot i had),
from parents who can't seem to grasp that i can't take care of a puppy, do my homework, AND vacuum the floor all in one night without completely mentally shutting down,
from the doctors who keep reminding me to sit it out, wait for the medicine to kick in, try my hardest to stay positive.


well, ive tried my hardest not to let this consume me, but i'm tired of waiting.
today was absolutely horrid, except for finding another goodwill polaroid (yellow with flash, this time, at half the price.)

i get more labs done tomorrow, then finally go back to riley on the 9th.
and you bet i'm
counting.
down.
the.
da
y
s
.

thanksgiving, a day late.

today i finally got to see dylan. we met at give a dog a bone, shopped for gitsy, brought her back to his place to entertain his family. we made plans for me to go home, eat dinner, and head back for a movie night on his couch.

the whole movie thing didn't impress my parents, so they invited him back to the house to help us decorate our christmas trees after dinner. only, he fell asleep.

knowing that he worked 5am to 1pm on black friday on zero sleep, it didnt surprise me, but he was real pissed off with himself when he woke up two hours too late. so we didn't get to see each other again tonight, unfortunately.


but the amazing thing?

when i got in his car to head back to his house, not only did he give me a beautiful portrait he did of me, but a special coupon to pacsun and, having been hidden under his jacket, a stuffed dog.

the dog, i almost laughed at. i didn't understand. i exclaimed a thank you, and remarked how cute he was, but there was obviously something i wasn't getting.

then dylan completely swept me off of my feet. (how cliche, but it's truly the only words i can find to describe the feeling.) he explained that the dog was for just in case ellie never came back from the hospital. i nearly started bawling right there. how is it possible that i have someone who loves me this much? who knew that when i said i'd be okay after dropping her off, i was lying, trying to soften my sniffles so that my parents wouldnt hear me cry?

the toy is obviously out of some claw machine or a dollar store, but the fact that someone cares about me this much is completely disarming, and the gesture was almost more than i could handle.







i'm crying and crying right now, trying to think of when anyone has done anything so sweet for me. i love him so much. i have no idea why he chose me, but im undyingly grateful that he did. so that's what im thankful for. im thankful that someone truly knows me, and loves me, and wants to be with me.

no one

is coming for christmas. my family is too poor to meet up for christmas.
that tiny semblance of possible happiness now seems lost.

ellie is home from the hospital,
but she's going back to the vet as soon as my mom wakes up.





hopefully i'll be able to get out of the house today.

thanksgiving

it's 2:47 am, and i'm just now getting to bed after a major blowout between my brother and i, in which he told me that he does not respect me or any of my belongings, that i ruined his life, that he can and will do "whatever he gosh-darn wants," and that i am not his sister. when my mom asked if he loved me, he sat there and stared at her for an entire thirty seconds, finally answering with an emphatic "umm."

and it's not like that doesn't phase me, but it's not the worst thing that happened to me today. we took ellie to the vet, as she's been having difficulty breathing and is coughing up mucus. only then did we realize that she has lost about ten pounds in the last six days, from refusing to eat or drink. and that she had a fever of 104.3, which is pretty high for a dog. they also found that her lung infection hadn't gotten better and could quite possibly have developed into cancer or worse. so right now, she's downtown at apec hospital, on iv fluids and pain medication. we have to pick her up on friday morning at 7am and take her back to epperson vet clinic, where they'll run diagnostics and find out what's going on.

not that there was any question as to what we would do, but my mom explained to me that it was treat ellie and have no christmas, or take her home and watch her die and have money for presents.

it's truly not that i want anything; i want joan of arcadia dvds and prismacolor markers and a new pair of jeans and a coat, nailclippers, shampoo and a carrier (all for gitsy) but i'd much rather have ellie, and it just pisses me off that we have to choose. because i've got little cousins who still believe in santa, and i'm insanely jealous that i can't have the magic of holidays that they do.

it's not just ellie...nathan broke the van door in his anger, which cost $700 to repair, and my brakes are going out one by one, costing $300 each. i just really can't look at christmas the same way, because i know that my parents are going to try hard to get each of us kids something. and it's going to be stressful for them, which is not what christmas is supposed to be about. so hopefully my family getting together will be enough this year.

also, ive got a fever of 100, chills, coughing, congestion, runny nose, fatigue, aches, blah blah blahhhh. so none of my family can come to my house for thanksgiving. and i can't see dylan. and right now, the things i REALLY need are dylan and my cousins. it isn't fair.

not to mention the amazing amount of homework and chores that lie in wait for me to finish before the end of this break.

and my "friends" deciding that blake and i aren't worthy of being in their presence. what the fuck ever.


on the flip side, saturday is me and dylan's three-month anniversary. i honestly can say that i have no idea where i'd be right now without him. he has made me so much more of a light, open person. i love him more than words can describe, and i miss him terribly at the moment.

ive got a great relationship with my mom, and even managed to tell her about some stressful stuff dylan and i have had to deal with in the past few days. she was surprisingly helpful, and told me that she normally would say that two depressed people dating is a horrible idea, but that dylan and i balance each other out really well. i had forgotten how nice it is to have a mother.

blake remains, unlike all of my other "friends," at my side. she's my big sister and my confidante and my best friend and my own personal psychologist all rolled up into one adorable little package. she's amazing.

though i could work on some self-image issues, my self-esteem is through the roof. i love myself, im proud of myself, and i know that i can handle whatever life decides to throw at me.

i'm paying a lot better attention in class, taking better notes, and scoring higher on tests. w00t.





so the point of this?
i don't know.
my life is really in the gutter right now,
and i just want to rip my hair out and scream in frustration.
but i'm thankful for the few things i've got.

i did this to us

and i can't apologize enough for that.

we both have our issues, but i used mine as an excuse to duck out on dealing with unhappy things...even when those unhappy things sincerely needed to be brought out into the open.

and i'm glad that something like this is coming out,
because for about a week now i had been scared that something between us had ended,
aftershock from the end to our honeymoon period,
something unfixable. but this, though it will take time and care, will get easier. and hopefully we can put it completely behind us before our three-month.

i think how we work is that you bottle up all of your hurt and resentment and embarrassment and fears into anger and blame, and you don't know how to let it out without exploding.

i internalize every tiny inflection and annoyance as something i caused, and stress over it until it consumes me.



neither of us have healthy ways of going about emotion.

though it's not the first, this is definitely the largest bump in the road we've had so far. and im proud of us for pinpointing the problem and making a plan to fix it. together, we are invincible. so all i'm asking is that you stick this out with me, work with me, hold my hand. and we can walk our way back to the path we're meant to be on.

distaste

my tsh level (natural thyroid stimulant hormone) is 54.
do you know what it should be?
3.

that's fucking 51 more than i need, and that's what's causing me to be this miserable.
because all of that tsh is coming from my pituitary gland, and my shriveled, decaying thyroid can't take any of that in. so they give me medicine that's supposed to make my pituitary gland think my thyroid is working, enter synthetic t4 drug.

i'm taking the highest possible dose for someone my age, and my levels aren't even to .5 when they should be AT LEAST 1.5. so my pituitary gland keeps making more fucking tsh!

so i never want to get out of bed, i can't go outside for literally more than ten seconds without shivering and nearly dying, im never hungry, i can hardly move from all the muscle aches, im getting more and more depressed, etc etc etc




i dont want to deal with life right now.
it hurts.

disconnected

oh, this day has been so much more than i can handle.
scratch that, it's really been all weekend.

it's like i'm playing some sick rpg...
the decisions i make aren't my own, the memories i make are arbitrary,
the lives i fuck with mean nothing. at all.

i have no connection to these beings that walk around me...who's to say they even exist? i messed with people's emotions today because i could.

don't get me wrong, this isn't a case of untamed narcissism--quite the opposite. my own existence is nothing in the scheme of things. or even possibly outside of the scheme of things. so i fuck with my own life, by screwing with others.

i don't know...i'm so confused. love was the only pleasant emotion i could still feel, and it's like i'm falling out of love with everything that held me together since school started. even the latest loves of my life just piss me off and stress me out. and it's not that i'm pushing those things away. those were the only things that seem to have left me.

it's not fair! why is this happening to me? my life is not the shambles it was freshman year. nor is it as bad as last year. i have a boyfriend, i have friends, i have a puppy, i have a clean room and a functioning car...despite all of the stress from school, i should be a happy person.

but recently, all i can feel are the fissures dividing me from everything i love, or want to love. the things i need. including my boyfriend, my friends, my dog, my family, my schoolwork, and even myself. an rpg game, me in control of this body that has no reason to bond with anyone. so it doesn't. it kicks and screams and averts its eyes.

music is the only thing still evoking some sort of emotion within me. and it's all im hanging on to.
so after a hellish music theater class, i walked to my car, got gas, and drove to my house. and the whole way i listened to "she knows her way" by big d to convince myself that i, too, know my way home...even if i'm not sure where that home is right now.

oh, robert

how is it that you can say something so perfectly blase as "i'm tired"
and turn it into a work of art?:

"like bended blades of grass- necks held heavy by first frost
I am still strong
but I am not standing right now"



i just feel the need to thank the world right now
for veterans day, a nice little break from the worries of this week
for a boyfriend who understands that some emotions are just too scary to deal with; who is eternally warm and THERE for me.
for a best friend who sees the reason behind my actions, because god knows i've forgotten
for a lovely little creature who needs me to snuggle with
for a mom who realizes that i need help with some things
for such a thing as music
for people like david levithan and rob kelly, who can relay my innermost feelings to me from a typed word; who make this world seem a little more aesthetic




i'm going to go slap together a commentary, and drown myself in candles and novels about lesbians and psych wards...anything to keep my mind off of reality.

tomorrow i have to clean out my car,
this weekend i need to clean my room.

clean things always make me happier.

lexapro

i've been thinking a lot
about how i feel a lot

and i honestly just can't take how weighted down i am.
so once my family saves up some money
and i figure out if i'm still hypothyroid,
i'm going to have to decide whether or not i want to try taking lexapro.

i've talked to my mom about it. she says
it will just make my emotions lighter, that it won't actually change my personality
but i worry that i'll lose the depth of my happy feelings along with the bad.
you know?

so i've got some more thinking to do
but at this point, i'm leaning towards trying it.

i hate to put things into my body that don't naturally occur,
but i really can't keep going on like this.

hummm.
we'll see.

another weekend wasted.

this week will, inevitably, be just like the last--rushing through assignment after assignment (that is, if i even bother to do it) just to get minute amounts of sleep between puppysitting and finding time to be human, the only real goal being to make it out of school unscathed on friday at 3:15.

lather, rinse, repeat.

in more exciting news, i've had an absolute blast making a mockery of the atypical typical high school drama that has been sweeping the corridors of sig; that is, except for the fact that mono is running rampant through my group of friends, who has "community everything," from drinks to food to money to plans for cremation (haha). especially because i'm one of the few in our group who has a boyfriend, i'll feel sooper responsible if dylan or anyone else gets it--because of my iron deficiency and my hashimoto's, my immune system is on the fritz. meaning i most likely have it, as indicated by the sharp pains where my spleen is and my swollen, stiff neck.

i'm getting tested tomorrow, i believe.


ughhhhh. i guess i should go and study for my math test now.

oh, wait.

i'd like to point out that this boy amazes and inspires me. i'm absolutely, head over heels in love with him. and knowing that he is standing by my side gets me from day to day, through those long depressing nights.

he is my home.

depression settles in

at night,

something about my synthroid levels.
which is why i have perfectly fine, balanced days and still practically cry myself to sleep every night.


just thought i'd tell someone other than my momma.




i'm sleepy
and i need to study =/

today exceeded expectations

i woke up, having fallen asleep with gitsy in my arms, to a lost puppy, greasy hair, and an unfinished painting.

so i got dressed (good self esteem day), grabbed my unfinished painting, kissed my doggie byebye, and left for school..

..twenty minutes later than i should have. without my phone or my coffee.

having been going 20mph over the speed limit wherever possible, i wound up at the locust st parking garage around 7:24. the gate was open, the teller was MIA. i felt horrible about it, but pulled in anyways (thinking i'd just pay the maximum fare, $5.25, instead of my usual $4.75), got my stuff together, and ran for the main building.

somehow i made it on time.

after a surprisingly not too boring tok class, i remembered that the bio test was TODAY. and i hadn't read or studied ANYTHING. i used first period to scribble notes, scrambling to answer the assessment statements. same in psychology; though i really felt the need to bring up the butterfly effect, i know my priorities and tuned everyone out in order to answer the remaining statements.

lunch was good. peaceful and happy.

bio test was next! so easy i couldn't believe it...i knew 8/9 answers AND felt really confident in the 8 answers i put down. also, we worked on labs. jillian wasn't there so i ended up having to work with eb. i generally would have been disappointed in that fact, but he was really kind and helpful, moreso than jillian might have been, and hilarious. i was really glad i got to work with him, although he totally has personal space issues.

now that my foremost dread was over, art was left. DREAD! but it actually turned out really well...mrs goodridge didn't eat me, and i got some good work done.

music theatre was actually really fun. i did a full heel stretch with my right leg, and managed to do a pretty kickass splits in skinny jeans. no conditioning, and we got let out a little early.

i walked to my car and handed the teller at the garage a ten dollar bill, explaining my situation. he let me out free of charge, said that "they" wouldn't know any difference if i didn't pay because i wouldn't be marked on the ledger. COOL BEANS, FREE PARKING!

all in all, my day was rad.
and that gives me hope for tomorrow, because so much of today was hypothesized to be horrible and i came home smiling. tomorrow must be as good :]

the butterfly effect

so this morning, i watched the butterfly effect.
ever since, i haven't been able to get out of this mindset.

don't get me wrong, the movie amazed me and continues to captivate me, but it fucked with the way i look at the world. frankly, it disturbed me. now, the fact that a movie can move someone to such emotion and even physical pain gives me hope for the world, but i don't always enjoy being so moved.

the movie gives me doubt as to the sufficiency and, more importantly, the purpose of my life. if each decision can have such devastating effects on the outcome of future life, why the fuck am i sitting here blogging and texting my friends and petting my puppy instead of doing my homework? why aren't i out partying, why don't i spend more time with my boyfriend, why don't i just give up on sig? why don't i give up on everything? why don't i try harder? my HARDEST?

dylan and i talked in a way that we hadn't for a long time, the kind of talk that i really love and appreciate--we don't always see eye to eye, but it's not that one sees the other as naiive or wrong, just having a different viewpoint. and we came to the conclusion that we're both people-pleasers. i'm so scared of being looked down upon by others, by changing their view of me, that i would do ANYTHING to my own self-esteem and self-assurance to keep up the illusion that i am just fine.

and i'm letting go of that. i know that the whole point of the butterfly effect is to show the stupidity and futility of regret, but it's had the opposite effect on me; i'm sick to my stomach, crying, stressing over things i cannot control, like my inability to change my insufficiencies in the past.

i dunno.

i'll give myself some time to think i guess