i feel as if i've been cheating

on you, lovely blog, but my new pocket journal is just so much more accessible during the day.
already it's seen more of me that you have in a while. anyways. my life is hell at this point, outside of a few saving graces. i'm too tired to keep up like this. i can feel the emptiness inside of me slowly eating everything i know and love. it's been a long time since i've felt this attacked, especially by those who are supposed to be here for me. i just don't understand. it's the weirdest thing in the world to be emotionless, to feel drained and empty all of the time. it's like there's nothing worth anything left.




i don't understand this life anymore. i dont understand myself, i dont understand others, i dont understand the point.


which brings me to this:
is there anything worth looking for? worth loving for? worth lying for?
is there anything worth waiting for? worth living for? worth dying for?

dashboard confessional-i am missing



i don't know anymore.

sufjan stevens

death cab for cutie
nevershoutnever (the new stuff)
manchester orchestra
this providence
late-night phone calls with dylan
spending the night at blake's
pointless art classes
sleeping
eating lunch with people who are intellectually stimulating



these are the only things that are keeping me sane right now.

bad week already

no sleep til' government class
hell yeah!



-____-






i still have half a bio chapter to read, 16 assessments to assess, a chapter of government to outline, a lab to finalize, some art to bullshit, and a drawing to do for mr. reek.


shoot me?

i don't know what's wrong with me lately.

i have every reason in the world to be radiating happiness, and i'm not.
not that i'm sad or upset; it's like i'm numb.

and it's been eating at me, particularly in the last week. i can't pin it down, but i feel like i'm being constantly pulled back to this state of zombie-like impatience and inability for emotion by SOMETHING. and not only that, but immense frustration with this constant "stuck-in-a-rut" mentality. i'm bouncing up and down inside of my skull with the need to do something out of the ordinary.

and i guess the way i'm looking at life at this point is that i have two stable friends, piss-poor confidence, and a suffering self esteem, so completely skipping over a sense of belonging and esteem and shooting straight for SA is what i need. which obviously isn't working.

my doctor has amped me up to 200 mcg of synthroid daily. maybe it's just my thyroid, i don't know. i'm just tired of this. really tired.

i'm on fire

and now i think i'm ready to bust a move,
check it out; i'm rockin' steady




7 on my investigative workbook review,
signature theatre's newest assistant stage manager.
best monday ever.
OWW! ;D

2010

a new year. somehow, a new start. i don't know what my resolution will be just yet, but i do have a list of things i learned in 2009

1. you have to love people for who they are, not who you expect them to be. otherwise your whole relationship is built on false pretense.

2. one of the biggest mistakes you can make is to see someone as an idea, a paper person, rather than a living and breathing and feeling human being.

3. not everything gets uglier the closer you get. (sorry to disagree with you there, john green.)

4. "happiness won't find you when you can't see part yourself; the only dreams that matter are your own." is actually a logical statement.

5. the international baccalaureate program was developed by sadists for masochistic teenagers.

6. so were myspace and facebook.

7. music is absolutely everything.

8. sometimes fictitious characters are the devoted reader's closest companion.

9. love can make you do the stupidest, most reckless things ever, but it is, hands down, the best feeling in the world.

10. sometimes you have to give up everything you once had, or have it stripped from you, and rebuild your ideas of yourself.

11. true connection to one or two people trumps friendship with a larger group.

12. family is necessary, and it is heartwarming.

13. appearances aren't nothing, but they don't truly mean anything.

14. sometimes a dog is a better friend than a human can possibly be.

15. happiness can't be measured in quantity or quality alone.

16. naps are the most glorious idea anyone came up with.

17. running from problems only makes them get exponentially bigger with every day that goes by.

18. love gets exponentially bigger with every day that goes by.

19. sometimes you have to be a bitch.

20. you have to appreciate the little things.




my first day of 2010 was the best(: