some good (chicago, round 2)

although i've yet to move into my apartment (that comes this weekend--ahh!) i've officially been back in chicago since sunday. i've been crashing on an air mattress in the sunroom of my six friends' large and creaky apartment, and despite the fact that they have no internet and no air conditioning, which gives me the overwhelmingly stressful feeling that camping also gives me, i've been exponentially more happy than i was in evansville. and that's good. i'm so proud of myself for all of the closure i brought into my life--it was the perfect way to wrap up my sometimes childish view of the world, forgive others (and, more importantly, myself) for the hatefulness projected onto me over the past few years, and start my new life in chicago with no guilt and nothing tying me to that tiny, backwards town but the love for my family and the memories i've made there. which brings me to today: my 9-4 class let out at 2, which gave me enough time to get my bike out of storage. i'd had a pretty tired and homesick morning, and the stress of taking my bike with TWO FLAT TIRES not only on a bus but also on two elevated tracks and an underground train made the already bad start to my day worse. so i took my bike over to uptown bikes and got my chain oiled and my tires pumped for only $3, and my day completely turned around. i can't express how good it felt to get back on my bike after so long. forget conditioning myself like i planned; i biked the two miles home as quickly as i could and then took laps around edgewater until i got too hungry to keep going. and now i'm at the 24/7 starbucks in belmont, having just finished a lot of design work. i've still got a little bit more to do before i go home, but i took a break to tumble and came across a quote that inspired this post: “I am a lover without a lover. I am lovely and lonely and I belong deeply to myself.” —Warsan Shire i just can't express how much i love this quote, because it really describes how i'm feeling of late. i'm a lover. that was the difference between dylan and i...even though i was the one who broke up with him, it was because i loved more and for longer, until his inability to love me back the same way got to be too much for me to handle. and i'm lonely, yeah, sometimes. sometimes it's the hardest thing; i'm swept up with the overwhelming need to call someone baby, to pull someone's arms around me, to play with someone else's hair. but i don't want a relationship right now. i don't want someone else knowing things about me that only i know, i don't want to learn things about someone else. i don't want to give my time to anything that doesn't involve my happiness, and that's a first for me. i feel like i finally understand those crazy people who try to marry themselves. that's how i feel, like i am primo #1, most deserving of love and time and care. and it's a really fucking good place to be.