Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
christmas
my family did christmas on Christmas eve this year, and it was really a great night. I really got nothing big, except $500 in my bank account and TWO pairs of doc marten's, but the experience was lovely. my mom got me this shirt that was $90 and is beautiful, and some worry rings. tomorrow we'll go up to martinsville, where I'll be until Monday until my shift.
tonight I watched my parents kiss for the first time since my mom was in the ICU at Mayo Clinic two years ago. literally. my mom says they've been talking things out, and it's working. Everyone in my family got amazing and valuable gifts (a 7-quart mixer and jewelry for mom, a chainsaw, iPhone 4, and printer for dad, a whole new wardrobe for jaime, and my expensive clothes and shoes) and no one has to give presents back so we can pay the bills this year. my dad might get a promotion at work, my mom is considering some different job options, and jaime is back on good terms with his friends and isn't hanging out with trashy girls anymore. things for my family are the best they've ever been, and i'd be a fool not to sit back and soak it all in while i'm home.
tonight I watched my parents kiss for the first time since my mom was in the ICU at Mayo Clinic two years ago. literally. my mom says they've been talking things out, and it's working. Everyone in my family got amazing and valuable gifts (a 7-quart mixer and jewelry for mom, a chainsaw, iPhone 4, and printer for dad, a whole new wardrobe for jaime, and my expensive clothes and shoes) and no one has to give presents back so we can pay the bills this year. my dad might get a promotion at work, my mom is considering some different job options, and jaime is back on good terms with his friends and isn't hanging out with trashy girls anymore. things for my family are the best they've ever been, and i'd be a fool not to sit back and soak it all in while i'm home.
this is so hard
this is so hard
this is so hard
this is so hard
this is so hard
this is so hard
this is so hard
this is so hard
I've been pretty much happy but there are moments, usually several times in an hour, where I remember and the shock of it sends me into tears again.
I'm trying to be nice.
I'm trying to both give and take space.
I'm trying not to let myself get consumed with sadness.
the thing is, I don't know which feelings were mine and which were mom's or Blake's or Amy's (not that it matters if it feels right) but right now I don't know what feels right or wrong or otherwise, and that scares me.
the thought of never sharing a kiss, a bed, a week together makes me cry. but just because things weren't bad doesn't mean they were good.
this is so hard
this is so hard
this is so hard
this is so hard
this is so hard
this is so hard
I've been pretty much happy but there are moments, usually several times in an hour, where I remember and the shock of it sends me into tears again.
I'm trying to be nice.
I'm trying to both give and take space.
I'm trying not to let myself get consumed with sadness.
the thing is, I don't know which feelings were mine and which were mom's or Blake's or Amy's (not that it matters if it feels right) but right now I don't know what feels right or wrong or otherwise, and that scares me.
the thought of never sharing a kiss, a bed, a week together makes me cry. but just because things weren't bad doesn't mean they were good.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
things are so unbelievably difficult right now
coming home was supposed to bring relief and rest.
so far:
i was late to work on my first day back
i bled through my favorite panties and pantyhose 3 days early while at work
had the worst cramps ever for the majority of my shift
didn't eat until 10pm tonight even though i worked an 8 hour shift because i forgot my debit card
talked with amy and felt even more hopeless about my relationship/life/whatever
fought with my mom
cried so hard for so long that my abs and throat still hurt
missed ihop with ivy and coba and dustin
self-pity ate almost a pint of lic's choco-cremes
got sick because i ate so many choco-cremes
and i just don't know.
dylan and i are fighting and pushing back at each other.
he wants things to be better, to keep buying christmas presents and just be apart from each other. but i think i need space. i think parts of me are still broken or at least bruised and i can't go rushing back into this.
all i want is him--to feel his hot skin against mine in bed, to play with his hair in the bath, to lie in bed while he makes egg tacos in his boxers. seeing him at work today was so hard. i forgot that we weren't together for a moment, when one of his earrings was falling out. reflexively i tucked it back into his ear and i don't know what happened. it was just hard.
he was wearing a shirt that was too big for him and had put his nose ring back in. he wore toms. i dont know why i feel like it's important to put these here but i do.
i just don't know how to feel and it's the most confused i've ever felt.
so far:
i was late to work on my first day back
i bled through my favorite panties and pantyhose 3 days early while at work
had the worst cramps ever for the majority of my shift
didn't eat until 10pm tonight even though i worked an 8 hour shift because i forgot my debit card
talked with amy and felt even more hopeless about my relationship/life/whatever
fought with my mom
cried so hard for so long that my abs and throat still hurt
missed ihop with ivy and coba and dustin
self-pity ate almost a pint of lic's choco-cremes
got sick because i ate so many choco-cremes
and i just don't know.
dylan and i are fighting and pushing back at each other.
he wants things to be better, to keep buying christmas presents and just be apart from each other. but i think i need space. i think parts of me are still broken or at least bruised and i can't go rushing back into this.
all i want is him--to feel his hot skin against mine in bed, to play with his hair in the bath, to lie in bed while he makes egg tacos in his boxers. seeing him at work today was so hard. i forgot that we weren't together for a moment, when one of his earrings was falling out. reflexively i tucked it back into his ear and i don't know what happened. it was just hard.
he was wearing a shirt that was too big for him and had put his nose ring back in. he wore toms. i dont know why i feel like it's important to put these here but i do.
i just don't know how to feel and it's the most confused i've ever felt.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
a low point
i was so stupid last night. i didn't even drink that much, and what i had was diluted, but i realized when i was throwing up and crying that the medicine i'm on for a mild infection does crazy shit when combined with alcohol. and i took a dose right before heading out.
i slept in my friend emily's room last night with sam, and i'm glad i did. even though emily and i are not the type of personalities that mesh enough for us to be incredibly close, she knew that i needed not to be alone last night for my emotional state, and sam brought me water and offered to walk me back down to my room, should i have decided to sleep alone in my room.
this is a weird place to put this, especially after having decided that i'm going to try to be unlonely...i guess everyone has these moments. here's the thing: i don't regret the amount that i drank. though i hadn't had quite that much, but i did not have a lot. alea didn't drink and she mixed all of ours to make sure we would be okay. i sat right there and watched her pour, over the course of a night, about 7 shots worth. mixed and diluted. i don't regret the way i felt. tipsy, buzzed, whatever. i got out my conte crayons and drew (what i now realize are) beautiful portraits of my close friends here. i had a lovely night. i don't even regret texting you. i told you the things i didn't have the guts to say sober, and, though lubricated, what i said was 100% true.
i regret picking up the phone when you called. because i couldn't even get through the first "hello?" without bursting into tears. the wall that i had so carefully constructed came crashing around my ankles with the sound of your voice. i'm not sure why i picked it up--i was afraid you'd be mad at me, i guess. that you could see that i wasn't okay.
but i was. aside from the nausea i was okay. and it wasn't appropriate of me to cry on the phone with you like that. we're separated because we needed to be independent, work on our own issues. and here i was, no control, crying with you on the phone at 4 am. and i'm sorry for doing that to you.
i woke up to lovely snowfall. i only got a few hours of sleep, but they're the best i've had in the last week, probably because i was in the company of friends. and today i'm happy. i'm spending the morning cleaning my dorm before my dad gets here and watching joan of arcadia. i'll call you later today, when you have had time to wake up. and apologize, sober. because i think it's important. because it is important.
i slept in my friend emily's room last night with sam, and i'm glad i did. even though emily and i are not the type of personalities that mesh enough for us to be incredibly close, she knew that i needed not to be alone last night for my emotional state, and sam brought me water and offered to walk me back down to my room, should i have decided to sleep alone in my room.
this is a weird place to put this, especially after having decided that i'm going to try to be unlonely...i guess everyone has these moments. here's the thing: i don't regret the amount that i drank. though i hadn't had quite that much, but i did not have a lot. alea didn't drink and she mixed all of ours to make sure we would be okay. i sat right there and watched her pour, over the course of a night, about 7 shots worth. mixed and diluted. i don't regret the way i felt. tipsy, buzzed, whatever. i got out my conte crayons and drew (what i now realize are) beautiful portraits of my close friends here. i had a lovely night. i don't even regret texting you. i told you the things i didn't have the guts to say sober, and, though lubricated, what i said was 100% true.
i regret picking up the phone when you called. because i couldn't even get through the first "hello?" without bursting into tears. the wall that i had so carefully constructed came crashing around my ankles with the sound of your voice. i'm not sure why i picked it up--i was afraid you'd be mad at me, i guess. that you could see that i wasn't okay.
but i was. aside from the nausea i was okay. and it wasn't appropriate of me to cry on the phone with you like that. we're separated because we needed to be independent, work on our own issues. and here i was, no control, crying with you on the phone at 4 am. and i'm sorry for doing that to you.
i woke up to lovely snowfall. i only got a few hours of sleep, but they're the best i've had in the last week, probably because i was in the company of friends. and today i'm happy. i'm spending the morning cleaning my dorm before my dad gets here and watching joan of arcadia. i'll call you later today, when you have had time to wake up. and apologize, sober. because i think it's important. because it is important.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
a much-needed new look and title
the title has needed to be changed for a while now, probably about a year or so when I outgrew my no one-will-ever-love-me phase. I am not lonely. I am a loner by nature, and although having been in a relationship for the past two and a half years has made this newfound aloneness feel isolating and lonely, it isn't. i'm actually looking forward to spending more time by myself, getting to know who i am. living in chicago has changed me and i've barely noticed because i've been so wrapped up in dylan and a life i left back in southern indiana.
when i went back to visit my mom, i went to school with her. i was very anxious to see one of the male kindergarten teachers who works at west terrace; a teddy bear-like man of native american descent, he walks with a peace and knowledge about life that i admire. (before i left for chicago, i spent one of my last nights in the west terrace office. any time anyone came in and asked me about college, my mom would burst into tears. when he came in it was the same, and i told my mom not to cry. he said "don't say that; telling her not to cry takes away her right to having that emotion. let her cry.") upon seeing him in the hallway he took one look at me, turned to my mom and said, "she looks like a city girl. even the way she holds herself is different. she belongs there."
so here is to discovering what it is to be alone (as in single and geographically isolated, of course... don't think for a minute that i've forgotten the countless people in dorm rooms across the country and back home in evansville to whom my heart will always be tied) and not for a moment be lonely.
when i went back to visit my mom, i went to school with her. i was very anxious to see one of the male kindergarten teachers who works at west terrace; a teddy bear-like man of native american descent, he walks with a peace and knowledge about life that i admire. (before i left for chicago, i spent one of my last nights in the west terrace office. any time anyone came in and asked me about college, my mom would burst into tears. when he came in it was the same, and i told my mom not to cry. he said "don't say that; telling her not to cry takes away her right to having that emotion. let her cry.") upon seeing him in the hallway he took one look at me, turned to my mom and said, "she looks like a city girl. even the way she holds herself is different. she belongs there."
so here is to discovering what it is to be alone (as in single and geographically isolated, of course... don't think for a minute that i've forgotten the countless people in dorm rooms across the country and back home in evansville to whom my heart will always be tied) and not for a moment be lonely.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
on being on a break & waiting for a break
there are five days left until winter break, and it has been about the same amount of time since dylan and i decided to go on an indefinite break in our relationship. that being said, going home is more than going to dylan; going home means endless ihop dates with my gay bitches (haha), snuggling with gitsy and drinking green tea in the brown chair on cold nights, starbucks and long drives with blake, driving along to music, earning a paycheck, being with family. i am still excited to be home.
that isn't saying that dylan's recent visit here was horrid; we talked a lot, had tea in the bath and watched movies like normal. we enjoyed the weekend, knowing it might be the last. there were, and still are, moments so bittersweet that i'm left reeling, trying to determine at all what i'm feeling and if it can even be classified as an unambiguous emotion. today is the first day since he has been gone, but things aren't hard yet. like i told him to do, i'm finding personal victories in the small things: my humanities teacher gave me full marks on my final papers and left a note telling me how "gifted and thoughtful" of a student I am and jumped at the chance to write me a letter of recommendation for an RA position next year, i bound my own book last night for class and i'm incredibly proud of it, my friends ate my cupcakes stale and still told me that they loved them, pretty much everyone on my floor helped me with materials last-minute so i could bind my book (eric with a staplegun, dan with black paper, meredith with needle and thread, katie with direction) willingly and lovingly, which was one of the first times i felt like i were among real friends and not just neighbors in a foreign place.
little things like this are helping. and being alone isn't necessarily hard--i have so much to do this week, i'm hoping that it will breeze by and I can spend a lovely weekend with my dad before going home. I have to bake cupcakes, finish my poster, clean the dorm (so katie can move in tomorrow!), and edit my video for core, all tonight. past that, i just have to print my poster & fix my ad for thursday night, and edit two videos by friday for core. then i'll be completely finished with my first semester of college <3
that isn't saying that dylan's recent visit here was horrid; we talked a lot, had tea in the bath and watched movies like normal. we enjoyed the weekend, knowing it might be the last. there were, and still are, moments so bittersweet that i'm left reeling, trying to determine at all what i'm feeling and if it can even be classified as an unambiguous emotion. today is the first day since he has been gone, but things aren't hard yet. like i told him to do, i'm finding personal victories in the small things: my humanities teacher gave me full marks on my final papers and left a note telling me how "gifted and thoughtful" of a student I am and jumped at the chance to write me a letter of recommendation for an RA position next year, i bound my own book last night for class and i'm incredibly proud of it, my friends ate my cupcakes stale and still told me that they loved them, pretty much everyone on my floor helped me with materials last-minute so i could bind my book (eric with a staplegun, dan with black paper, meredith with needle and thread, katie with direction) willingly and lovingly, which was one of the first times i felt like i were among real friends and not just neighbors in a foreign place.
little things like this are helping. and being alone isn't necessarily hard--i have so much to do this week, i'm hoping that it will breeze by and I can spend a lovely weekend with my dad before going home. I have to bake cupcakes, finish my poster, clean the dorm (so katie can move in tomorrow!), and edit my video for core, all tonight. past that, i just have to print my poster & fix my ad for thursday night, and edit two videos by friday for core. then i'll be completely finished with my first semester of college <3
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