oh, chicago

i'm back in my dorm after having spent three lovely nights in my old room, snuggling with my baby gitsy and soaking up the surreal normalcy that was being back in evansville. it's strange to think that a mere 14 hours ago i was lying in dylan's arms in my tiny twin bed, the fall sun leaking through my skyblue curtains casting our blue shadows against the now bare walls.

everything else is normal, though; it doesn't seem odd to me that gitsy is probably fast asleep in jaime's bed, having forgotten that i was ever there, that my room is empty, that my car is filled with my dad's and brother's things, stripped of its trademark bumper stickers. i don't know what to think of that; maybe it's a sign. for now, all i know is that as nice as it was to go home, it feels right to be here without those things i thrived on for so long, and it doesn't always feel right to be here without dylan.

i've adapted surprisingly well to the long-distance thing. i actually really like the personal space, as long as we have good communication (we do) and i get to see him every few weeks (i have). i still miss him, but it's manageable and it's okay. it just doesn't always seem right, and that's what makes me happy, honestly...if it seemed right for me to be here without him, i wouldn't give him the space in my life. amy and i talked for a long time this weekend and she was surprised we were still together, said that the next few months would be the test. she asked me if he was the one, and i hesitated. she said that meant he wasn't, that i'd know. but how can i know something like that? as my first boyfriend, i don't know anything other than the experiences i've shared with him. all i know is that i'm so, so happy when we're on good terms and the fact that something seems off about his not being here makes me know that he's supposed to be a part of my life, at least for now. the thing is, when we fight, sometimes i can't believe i'm with him. at least, that's how it was in the past...i feel like he has matured so much since we first started dating, and the way that he has been acting the past two weeks (applying for job after job, building his portfolio, thinking about colleges, saving money) gives me hope for our future together. i feel as though i can be more open with him about almost everything, which has been good. of course there are the few holds barred from past fights that keep me from openly discussing everything i want to for fear of wrecking this rhythm we've got going, but for now it's okay. i like where we are and where it appears we're going.

even when/if we do break up, i want dylan to be a part of my life. i want to be able to say, hey things aren't good right now. can i crash at your place? and i want him to be able to send me tickets to his first headlining show. i want the lines to be open and not awkward. and maybe that will change with conflicts i'm sure we're going to have in the future, but for now that means something to me.







wow what a rant i'm not even going to read back through it. hope it makes sense

homebound

tonight i'm leaving on a train. i'll get back to evansville at midnight.
i'm terribly excited.

Journaling

For my community based practices class on Wednesdays, we're required to journal every morning for the first fifteen minutes. So far I've just been writing in my notebook, scribbling things down for the first five to ten minutes and then staring at the wall for the last five, maybe sketching if I feel up to it. Some way or another, all of my journal pages end up lost or doodled all over, so I decided that from now on, I'll use Wednesday mornings to update my blog. Here goes!

This week, the sun has returned to Chicago. After three weeks of freezing (okay, fifty degree) weather, walking outside allows you to feel the warmth of the sun on your back, and, being too bleary-eyed to bike a half-mile to my farthest class after a cruel 7 am fire drill (especially cruel because I had gone to bed at 6), I took the train in the morning and walked the city the rest of my day. Biking in a big city means no music; it takes too much concentration from the real feat at hand, facing taxis and buses and darting through pedestrians. So yesterday I enjoyed the city with the sun on my back to the Decemberists. Most of the time in the dorm, Sarah and I share the quiet. Things get too hectic between our tastes in music (hers: Christian ballads, Korean acoustic, and Copeland (which is nice, but not on constant repeat), and mine: well, you guys know best) so most of the time and music is quiet, hummed to ourselves at our desks or played softly at night. Yesterday I turned the volume all the way up and bounced from class to class. It was lovely.

Today I have class from nine to four, and then I'm going to bike down to the grocery store (I never realized how much food, even when you buy it at the grocery store and make it yourself, takes from your checking account. Week by week, I'm always confused as to where my money is going. The answer is always groceries.) I suppose I'll start packing my clothes for the weekend, and finish my cleaning duties for the week. I really should start my core class homework, but I'm telling you: I hate that class. I thought I was going to like it, but I am not a filmmaker. I'm not an animation artist. I don't do audio tracks. I don't like it. Luckily I switch teachers halfway through the class, but still.

Anyways, journal time is over.

my roommate broke two of my drinking glasses from ikea

and didn't even tell me. she just left the glass on the counter for me to find. who does that?
and unfortunately enough, a cup from each set broke, so now both of my glass sets are short a cup.


i just


ugh

missing

i'm so ready to go home this weekend. i'm actually skipping out of the last half hour of my friday class to hop a train and come home. i can't wait. especially because i'm sick as shit, i'm not having the greatest time walking/biking anywhere i need to go. it'll be nice to sleep in my own bed, to drive, to just relax and not worry about school. and of course i get to see my family and gitsy for the first time since august, which will be absolutely lovely. so will be having time to hang out with blake and dylan without the pressure of a schedule. plus, i'm taking my summer clothes home (it's constantly freezing here now) and things like books and trinkets i brought & no longer have the time or space for in my life.

it feels good to know that there are people excited that i'm going home.
it's nice to go back.