thanksgiving

I'm thankful for good friends and warm food, that I'm fortunate enough to have a car and an iPhone and a nice home. I'm thankful for my family and the completeness I feel when ther laughter fills my normally spacious house. I'm thankful for my baby girl curled up asleep in a warm ball on my lap right this moment. I'm thankful to have the talents I've been blessed with, and that my teachers are willing to work closely with me to help me make up the points I've missed because of the talent i don't possess: timeliness. I'm thankful that my mom is alive, because last year this time, I didn't think she would be. I'm thankful that my parents have come around to the fact that I want and need to go to art school. I'm thankful to finally have my thyroid levels regulated. I'm thankful, as I watch my baby cousins play, that someday I'll be able to have babies of my own. I'm thankful to be loved and surrounded by family and friends, despite my countless imperfections.

that's all I can think of for now..happy thanksgiving day, all!

lovely.

today was quite good. I had some good quality time with jaime and blake, cleaned profusely, and painted 3 new paintings. ive been soul-searching of late, which is something i havent done in a while. i miss my mom, and i want to be there for natalie. things are hard emotionally lately, but not in the way id thought it might be. im worried for my family. i'm conflicted about college, after talking to alex about how much he loves new york. i miss having my mom at home. but I'm reeling in all the free time I have to sleep, to study, to spend time on my makeup. time that i either forgot how to use or was occupying with other things. right now I'm covered in paint and have a terrible headache accompanying the disgusting sinus drainage and raw throat I've had all day, but gitsy is snuggled up warm with me and I can feel sleep starting to pull at me. despite my sickness and my family worries, all is well with soul.

saturday was hard.

today was better. i got my room clean (mostlyyyy..there's still a pile of trash and small shit like bobby pins and earrings and coins in the middle of the floor), including the closet. and i made my "studio" by shoving all of my art stuff into one corner and tomorrow i'm going to make some curtains out of old sheets and attach curtain rods to the ceiling so it's like a separate space completely and i can really focus on my work. because i'm super behind in art. i should probably make a studio for euro at this point, though..i'm way behind in there, too. which is why i'm glad we only have two days of school this week. i'm going to find out what i missed, and then use thanksgiving break to do it and all of the catch-up work. and my ee. and finishing sending off college applications. busy week next week, but it will be worth it in the long run.
i think sometimes breaks like this are good. i was sick for thursday and friday, so i basically did nothing but think and sleep and listen to music and take medicine. saturday and today, though, i kicked it into high gear and cleaned and organized my room. i threw away like 5 trashbags of shit and then had another 2 trashbags full of things to give to goodwill. and i still haven't completely gone through all of the bins in my room, so i'll most likely throw away more stuff. it just feels good to get that done. now i feel like, despite all the work i have to do, i'll be able to handle it because i'll have a clean, open space to work in and no dread feelings hanging over my head.
and another thing: i just feel good. i've been eating really healthily since i got sick because i had such awful nausea and couldn't eat anything heavy, so i've lost about 5 lbs. which isn't much at all, but i feel better. and i started following two different people on tumblr, one who runs a plus size fashion/fat acceptance blog and the other a feminist. so now every time i get on tumblr i see lovely self-respect boosting messages, which has done wonders for my self image ever since the formspring attack i woke up to on saturday. and i've been reading childhood books, which is helping me find myself again. also, despite feeling incredibly lonely pretty much all day yesterday, i found the lovely niche i usually have at night after everyone is asleep or after school on days when my friends are busy: being alone and not being lonely, but rather reveling in the time i have to remember who i am.

hopefully this week will keep looking up. <3

sticks and stones

my mom always used to say " sticks and stones may break bones, but words can do much worse"

I'm disabling anonymous questions on formspring, and I'll pretend like what was said to me didn't cause me to break down completely for a while.

I wish that I didn't feel so alone right now. my mom is out of town for another week, dylan and I aren't talking, and blake's life is stressful enough without my shit. I think I'm going to finish cleaning my room and then go goodwill hunting.

stargirl

when I was a kid, I wanted to grow up and be stargirl. I cried in the end, when she leaves and Leo grows up without her. I remember thinking that in high school, I would be a better person. I would become stargirl. but over the years I forgot about stargirl. I reread it the other day and I remember why it was so important to me. I can't even begin to describe how much I would love to be like her. so I think I want one of my first tattoos to be the stargirl symbol, to remind me to live in such a selfless way, and to be myself no matter what.

i feel so sick.

but it's more than that. I just don't care about anything. not my calculus homework nor the fact that I have a Spanish test tomorrow, nor completing my two outstanding portfolio submissions nor what I'm wearing (sweatpants, for the second day in a row). I feel good about things with me and dylan, though, for the first time in a while. I never thought taking a break would fix things--and maybe it won't--but at this point I feel that the space is good. and maybe it's because of that that I just want to bask in doing essentially nothing for a few days. I didn't go to school for the first half of the day, having woken up dizzy and nauseous, and it was a good break. I still feel pretty awful, but I could stick out school tomorrow if I really tried. I just don't want to. it'll depend on how I feel tomorrow, but at this point I'm not going. im just in a weird mood...I guess I'll just catch up on being productive this weekend.

yuck.

i have consistently felt like shit for two days,
not to mention how shitty I felt last week before dylan and i talked.
so basically, i've had a week of continuous shit.

and i'm so tired of it.
we talked about the significance of flowers in english the other day, how it's not common knowledge that certain flowers mean different things. apparently, daisies represent joy.

i just think it'd be so wonderful for someone to just walk up to me and give me a bunch of pretty white daisies. it would certainly make me joyful.

or maybe if i didn't have any obligations, and i could just lie in bed all day. that would make me happy, i think.

chicago

Chicago was lovely. SAIC is no doubt my new #1 school. I was really impressed with not only their facilities (attached to the art institute of Chicago, which is the 3rd largest collection of art in the world) and their gradin style (credit/no credit or check plus/check/check minus instead of bullshit 3-page rubrics like ib), but also their student work on display and their dorms. their dorms were seriously like apartments! and their residence halls in general were very open and clean-looking. no to mention that the school and studio spaces are open 24/7. how great is that?! and I've realized that being 6 hours away might be better than being 13 hours away in New York, because then I can come home for thanksgiving and fall break and even long weekends if I want, when before I only might have made it back for Christmas.

Columbia was cool, but definitely more of a school fro aspiring musicians and filmmakers. I wasn't really impressed with anything except their print shop. Their student artwork in the a&d department was actually pretty bad. but that's not to say all of it was--their performers were excellent a was their choir and all of the videos they played for us.

I had so much good food while I was in Chicago, and walked at least 6 miles. Not to mention that there is and h&m, an anthroplogie, AND a forever 21/faith 21! And the prospect of living and working in the same city as my best friend and her boyfriend is just the best thing I could imagine. I have unlimited visitors and 5 sleepover nights per month, so I could quite possibly see as much of blake as I do now!

it was great to get out of town, and I can't wait to go back.

I understand that youre mad,

but I dont deserve this.

i need to try and take a hold of you,

but to choke you
or stroke you
or stoke what glows inside of you,
i can't decide, i can't decide.


never was a song so perfect.









there used to be a time when if i said i needed you,
you'd drop everything.

...i'd still do that for you.

better.

just a little. stayed up until now knitting, oops. tomorrow's gonna be rough in tok...

skeleton key

things are very bad and I'm almost positive that you can't see it.

I don't know what to do.

I really hate myself right now.

I've been sitting in front of the tv, staring at the two poems I'm supposed to write an essay on, since 8. It's 11. I'm going to be up late. Fuck my liiiiiiife.

I saw something today

that made me glad not to be friends with who I used to be friends with; Ellyce--this really sweet, sincere girl in my grade who I had always respected before today--completely made an ass of herself in Spanish class today. We were given fliers for a Day of the Dead celebration on Halloween where there will be fun stuff like Spanish scrabble, sugar skull decorating, chips and salsa, etc. and were talking about it. I mentioned that I hoped it wouldn't be run by Sra. Razor and her Honduran friends because it'd be so awkward, and Taylor said that no, Sara Joest and her mom are running it. WE kept talking, and I said I was probably going to go anyways because I want to decorate a candy skull and I LOVE Day of the Dead. Ellyce was like, "Well, it's probably just going to be you and Sara Joest playing Spanish scrabble hahahahahaha" and I was like "...bitch" (in my head, of course). Meanwhile, Jacoba looked at Ellyce's flier. At the bottom, Ellyce had written "...put on by Sara Joest! DON'T GO!!!" Jacoba rightfully called her out on this, telling her to erase it because someone might see it. Ellyce got really defensive and was like "maybe I'll give this to Sara...we have next period together. LIKE I'D LET ANYONE SEE THIS OR DO THAT. Geez, Jacoba." And Taylor and Jacoba were just like "...you really need to erase that before someone else sees it. You'll get in a lot of trouble and besides it's rude."

It was just weird to see Ellyce acting that way, especially in her reaction. I seriously think it has something to do with the fact that she's been hanging out with Jillian and Anne and Tyler, who are absolute bitchdicks about that shit. Blake and I make fun of people, but they MAKE. FUN. OF. PEOPLE. They're assholes. And the sad thing is, I recognized in Ellyce things that I know I've done and said. I'm so glad to have my head out of my ass now. Those are the types of things that remind me I don't miss them as friends.

an expansion on that last post:

i'm terribly unhappy because i'm terribly exhausted.
i've been in a rut the past week and a half--my eyes have hurt almost every day to the point where i'm scared to drive, my sleep patterns are ridiculously fucked up, i keep forgetting to take my medicine, which puts me in a fog so i keep forgetting to eat and do my homework.

I am frustrated with how exhausted I am, which is making me unhappy.

i'm terribly unhappy

and i don't know why.

Weekends like this,

ones that are generally pretty great because I get to see him for several hours at a time but are marred with a cloud of stress and back-breaking amounts of homework to follow that bliss, frustrate me to no end.

It should probably make me happy that we manage to find the time we do, but it doesn't. I find myself literally outraged with our circumstances, which are nothing more than youth and overcommitment. Any time I put words to it, it sounds almost ridiculous, but it's the easiest thing in my heart: I want white sheets on a king size bed. Our bed. In Our house, with hardwood floors and open windows. With Our own denim couch. I want no commitment, no classes, no phones. The option to lie in bed all weekend, should we choose. I want to have hot green tea while he sleeps with his arm across my waist and his hair a mess. I want to wake up, some day, to the sound of Our children running down the hall, the scent of baby, and crayons on the floor. I want never to miss him again, never to sleep without him. I want this and everything else.

I'm ready for that, and it just seems so unfair that we have to say goodbye every night. I just want to curse time, slap it around a bit. It seriously pisses me off. Depresses me. Maybe it's just something within me that has things wrong, but it feels exactly the opposite. I know that there's still the rest of this year, and then college, and then who knows what. But if I had my way right in this moment, that's how it would all play out in the end. He and me, together.

when does it stop?

homework, homework, homework.
three tests tomorrow, calculus homework, lots of art.
hopefully if i get this all done, i'll have time to clean my room up a bit and then get some personal matters out of the way so that i can spend tomorrow doing the same.

my puppy is asleep on my lap <3.

social networking.

today started out really well, and continued to be great until i found myself alone, again, in my car. Navigating the winding country roads, I thought about my 18th birthday party and how I'm sharing it with another girl in my grade. I've never been terribly good at sharing, but I think I've changed in the past year in that way; I'd rather have a joint party than have one of my own. But after thinking about all of the people I won't know at this party, I miss the network I used to have. I have Dylan and Blake and my family. Then there's Lee and a few school acquaintances, my friends who moved away in elementary school but kept contact. My Pratt friends, who I miss with a fierceness. And that's it.

I don't know...I wouldn't trade what I have now (quality > quantity, after all) but sometimes I miss having that quantity, you know? I miss having more friends than I can count on my fingers and going out on the weekends and recognizing people everywhere I go. And it's not like I haven't gained from this lack of banter and society, because I am more in tune with myself than I have ever been in my life, but it just makes me think.

I'm going to get a job, and I'm going to start doing things outside of school. I'm going to make more friends.

today is my one-year anniversary with dylan.

I wish I could put something here as evocative and perfect as Blake's poem for Lee, but I come up empty-handed.

So I put this here, which I wrote about Dylan before we began dating, instead:

how is it that i feel your kiss on the top of my head as i curl up in bed?
why is every waking moment spent thinking of you?
what have i done that perfect nights like this have become a part of my life?
how could it be that you could truly be over her?
why do your hugs melt me down to the core?
what cologne do you use for it to still be swirling in and out of my thoughts even days later?
how can someone so amazing as you really, truly like me?
why do i suddenly find myself completely absorbed with how you see me?
how can i possibly deserve this?

i love you as a best friend
but i like you as so much more.

It's peculiar, to see that and look back at my life then in comparison to my life now.


I remember being overly loud around you. I remember sitting just close enough to share a blanket, but not to make contact. I remember finally making contact: your warm shoulder, our fingers accidentally catching.
I remember accidentally telling you I liked you, because I didn't want you to think that I didn't.
I remember saying that yes, I would go to the dance with you.
I remember kissing you, shaking with fear.
I remember flipping my claddagh over at a buffalo wild wings in louisville.
I remember sitting in class, dwelling on the thought of our relationship and wondering how anyone ever focused on anything, how they weren't absorbed with the thought of their loved one.
I remember getting used to kissing, feeling inadequate.
I remember getting better at kissing, going to the drive-in to prove it.
I remember getting the text that said I Love You, and I remember saying it in my car in your driveway on a Wednesday night.
I remember seeing you dressed up as Aladdin for me.
I remember being terrified at Christmas, how I called you and called you and called you from my lonely hotel room, and how you always picked up.
I remember sharing my first New Year's kiss with you, sharing the moment with Blake and Lee.
I remember making pasta and watching the Emperor's New Groove with you and your parents for Valentine's Day.
I remember having our first fight, and how I couldn't concentrate on anything the whole night.
I remember having our second fight, and how I was so mad and hurt and I don't know what for three days, and then I just wanted you back.
I remember writing our fighting rules at Moe's, back to normal.
I remember seeing you every day at the beginning of the summer, reveling in our newfound time.
I remember feeling like I was being stabbed in the middle of the chest while we sat in your car because I knew how much I was going to miss you while I was away.
I remember missing you, rereading your letter, sleeping with your shirt on my pillow. Anything to not hurt.
I remember having our third fight, resolving it, and then it exploding into something much bigger than either of us expected. I remember being numb, crying any time I thought about you, calling Blake or Conor or Katie or Michael to get my mind off of you. I remember posting angry blogs and not talking to you for a full five days.
I remember resolving our third fight, being better than ever.
I remember laying on a blanket in the field behind your house, high on our bliss. How empowered I felt.
I remember spending every waking moment with you until school started.
I remember missing you in my classes, all over again.
I remember dreading our anniversary, because I had nothing to give you.
I remember painting what I feel when I think about you, playing "Safe Ride Home" on repeat until I was done.
And now, I remember yesterday. I remember your picking me up, having trouble with the music player as we drove. I remember planning on taking you to the world peace tree and then to Moutoux park. I remember missing the turn. I remember driving up to Haubstadt, just for the hell of it, and then making a rash decision to stop at Mayse Market for grape soda and chocolate chip cookies. I remember finding the beautiful Moutoux park, calling it our own. I remember walking the short bridge that led to an unexpected body of water. In the middle of industry, oasis. I remember taking your hand as we walked back across the bridge, noticing a gold glint on your collarbone. I remember reaching out to the glint, unveiling my present too early as you watched dumbfounded; "you found it." I remember tucking it back where it was, giving it back for you to give it to me. I remember driving to the shady area, and making you sit with your eyes closed on the blanket. I remember when you opened your eyes and saw the colors; "what's it say?" and taking it in closer. I remember feeling the weight of the lockets on my neck, getting used to it. I remember my skirt ripping, and your trying to fix it; the car driving by with honks and cat-calls, thinking we were doing something much less innocent. I remember not caring. I remember leaving the funny note on the windshield of that horribly parked car, playing dots until the death, taking the note you wrote on the receipt and tucking it in my locket: my keepsake. I remember buying henna, walking by the river, sharing starbucks. I remember making the henna and deciding to cuddle instead. I remember waking up at 12:30 and pulling you back into my arms to fall asleep again, Gitsy nestled between our knees. I remember waking up in a frenzy at 2 am, your needing to get home. I remember kissing you goodnight, a happy-one-year-anniversary kiss, on my doorstep. And I remember curling up into bed with a smile on my face, the happiest and most comfortable I had been in a long time.

things are not getting easier,

but they're becoming more manageable. I'm up to 900 words on my EE (woo! 1/4 of the way there!), I'm learning to sleep and eat and do my other homework with expediency, and I'm not freaking out over things. Not until Friday will I allow myself to freak out about the things I want to freak out about. Which actually are relevant things that deserve time and effort, and haven't been given time and effort. But things will work out for the best. I have an idea or two buzzing around and I know that if I get to 2000 words by Sunday, I will be okay.

what the hell

I am so tired. and emotionally exhausted. and confused and my body hurts. every time I think about how much homework I have left to do tonight, let alone this weekend and next week, I flip out. and no one gets it. my ee is in the tank, my iwb is awful, I have no idea what a limit is (so I know even less about how to solve one), I can't get my hands on the book I need for English because my family can't afford it right now, my one year anniversary is coming up and I can't afford to buy Dylan a gift, my thyroid is low again, and today was just full of my mother yelling at me about how ib is manageable and I shouldn't be freaking out and why am I such a baby and maybe I'm seeing too much of Dylan. I'm trying, and she doesn't get it. she thinks my life is one huge party when she doesn't realize the amount of work I have put in.


aghhhh this day is just too much!

i'm done with this.

for the next five days,
you
do not
exist.

i hate you.

i hate you.
i fucking hate you.

i hate the way you talk to me,
and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car,
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around,
and the fact that you didn't call.

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,
not even close, not even a little bit,
not even at all.

I can't even believe this day.

on top of Arielle and Katie fighting, on top of the whole thing with Dylan, on top of my lightheadedness and near-white-outs, on top of gettin soaked while trying to get a cab, on top of the awful portfolio review this morning, I got two fucking detentions, 7-10pm Monday and Tuesday.

I got to see strawberry fields and finally had a chance to talk to blake. things are looking wayyy up.

how did things spirl so quickly?

i have no time for anything
my mom is mad at me
my roommates are pissy with the world and are disappointed that i'm not joining them in ripping the RAs new assholes
i don't want to do my pointless pratt work
i have to buy things for art class that i cant afford/find
i'm exhausted and hungry
my teachers were bitches.

no one cares.

this place is the best and worst.

up until last night, i have been completely and totally booked, stressed, and exhausted.
but i guess at the concert last night, things changed. maybe it's just that i'm still hooked on the afterglow of live music and the mass of dancing bodies i was a part of last night combined with the sea spray from the boardwalk, supposed-to-be-but-not-actually alcoholic drinks, and walking barefoot in the sand with a group of people here who actually like me.

i'm just mellow today, which feels like home. i'm so busy here all the time that breaks like this are welcome.

it shouldn't be a break, actually. i have yet to start on my extended essay, and my iwb sits lonely in the bottom drawer of the dressers pratt provides.

but i guess i don't care right now. i'm at sleepaway camp for artists in the greatest city in the world, and all i want to do today is put on some margot, head out to the main lawn, and paint.






b, i'm mailing your letter tomorrow, when the post office opens up. i really hope you like your birthday present! i want to hear more about the wedding...call/text when you get a chance!

hmmm.

today was just an all-around awful day.
i think i'm getting sick, as i can hardly stand. i don't know what it could be, though...i'm just exhausted and in pain all over. i have so much homework to do tonight, too.

all of the kids from jersey, manhattan, philly, connecticut, etc. got weekend releases and are going home. i want to go home so badly i can't even think about it. i can't work on my EE while i'm here; the workload is too intensive and i'll be kicked out/put in detention if i can't keep up. every day of the weekend, we have a trip to a museum and a mandatory event. classes take up all of the sunlight hours and homework takes all of the hours before sunlight returns, and none of the teachers understand that the other teachers are assigning homework, too. it feels just like school did last year, only imagine it during a heat wave with the occasional sticky, humid flash floods.

i miss my friends and my family. i miss my bed. i miss real food and the freedom to choose what i do with my weekend. i'm about to burst into tears right here in the student lab, with the turkish kid Yohai staring at me. it's so much pressure on top of EE and my IWB, neither of which i can even start. i'm so scared.

don't get me wrong, i like it here. i love the people and my classes. i just think something is wrong with me and i don't know what it is.

on the flip side, it makes me happy to see so many posts from you, b. i know your life isn't the best right now, either, but your posts have kept me in the loop at home. i hope that things will slow down for the both of us, or at least that we learn to pick up the pace.

haha on the note, my suitemate katie is the fastest walker i've ever met, and so i now walk insanely fast. you wouldn't believe it; i've already lost an inch off my hips and two off my waist. i don't even recognize myself. i'm all toned and shit from literally running around brooklyn ALL DAY.

pratt!

love my "major," art and design discovery. we're drawing popcorn up close.
don't so much like my foundation class, but whatever i guess. it reminds me of ib art, but with dumb in-class assignments

went into manhattan, the subway lost power, and so i was late for curfew. on the first day. but my parents worked it all out i hope. they took me into manhattan for dinner. amazing mexican food at a very high end-looking place caled rosa mexicana. anyways, it's almost 3 and i have to get up at 7:30!

<333

i am here.

in new york. in my brooklyn dorm. it's too late for me to be up, but i need to write this down before i forget what i'm feeling.

this morning was awful. for some reason i just felt like i didn't belong, like i couldn't leave my family for a whole month, like i couldn't handle four college courses AND my extended essay, like i'll never finish my IWB, etc. etc. i was near tears with agonizing fear. everyone seems so not midwestern.

but things are better now. i met my room mate leah, who goes by LE (her initials (pronounced ellie)). she is jewish and from new jersey. she's going into her junior year, so there's a big maturity gap, but she's the sweetest thing. (when i was in the shower, i left my lamp on and she turned it off, turning her dimmer one on and placing it on my desk instead. she left a note: hope it's okay i turned your light off and turned mine on so that i could sleep and you could still see. see ya in the morning! :)) she's studying fashion design.

LE and my suitemates (the two girls in the room next to ours, connected to our room by the bathroom) are katie and miriam.

katie is awesome. she reminds me a lot of hannah rennels in her looks. she's also from new jersey and is studying graphic design. she's closer to my age, going into her senior year. she listens to the same type of music as i do (big d and paramore!) and is sooooooper nice. i'm really glad she's one of my suitemates.

miriam is so adroable. she's from canada, but speaks with a weird accent, like german or something. she is going into her senior year, too. she's studying architecture. she's so genuine and wide-eyed; i really like her.

everyone is very nice and open.we all split ice dream and doritos from the C shop in my suitemates' room with some girls from the 3rd floor. it was a good way to spend my first night.

i also met a nice boy who is studying architecture. his name is cam and i believe he was from north carolina. we chatted a bit in the lunch line...he was the first person to really be friendly to me, so i like him.

i also met a few more girls from my floor and from the third floor.

oh yeah! i'm in room 520 of stabile hall. it's not an amazing dorm (and the shower is from beyond nightmares), but i can live here for 25 days. it's hot as hell outside, which makes me want to shoot myself anytime i have to leave the dorm.

i think i was just nervous this morning, but for some reason it made me very very angry. i think all of the hipster kids intimidated me, but after seeing a lot of portfolios, i'm not so nervous. i'm proud of my work, and a lot of people find my street art interesting, which is good.

i've yet to go into manhattan, but it was beautiful from the brooklyn bridge last night.

i love it here so far, and i just really hope it stays that way.

anyways, class at 9am.
i'll write more tomorrow, promise! <3cass

summer.

i just gave myself a mani/pedi while watching repo!

gitsy is sound asleep in her cage

my room is clean (except for the mess gitsy made today and the stacked containers full of nail polish by my bed)


it was a good day.

i went to a power class at bob's today, as well as swimming for a bit and taking a very brief bike ride.

anyways, tomorrow i'm waking up early to walk with my mom, and then i have to finish logging all of my CAS hours before going to buy a swim suit and a present for a swimming party in the afternoon.

i guess that's it,
C

brooklyn.

I went to graduation today, and though it signifies the start of my everything, it was a bitter end to so much. I hugged five people--only three of whom I'd planned to and yet so many less than I felt I should have, or wanted to.

After graduation, I ordered yet another ridiculously expensive fast food dinner just because I knew it was time to eat, not because I was hungry. Thyroid.

I went to West Terrace and drew posters for tomorrow--my mom's kids' last day of school. We got to talking about college and this summer and the great unknown that comes along with it. Eventually we got into talking heavily about this summer, and she said that she thought going to New York is a waste of an opportunity to learn skills that I could put towards a career. (This was, in ontext, a little less harsh than it seems here. I was talking about how I can't see myself getting famous from art, don't wish to teach it, but have to have it. Regardless, it was still a little harsh.) We got into talking about it, how I wished she had expressed this before we paid, and she told me that she had tried. But if she had, she had sugarcoated every word to the point that I never got the message.

I just couldn't believe it. I didn't want to go to New York, not anymore.

On the way home, the first song to come up on my shuffle was I and Love and You by the Avett Brothers:


Load the car and write the note
Grab your bag and grab your coat
Tell the ones that need to know
We are headed north

One foot in and one foot back
But it don't pay, to live like that
So i cut the ties and i jumped the tracks
For never to return

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
Are you aware the shape I'm in
My hands they shake my head it spins
Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

When at first I learned to speak
I used all my words to fight
With him and her and you and me
Oh but its just a waste of time
Yeah its such a waste of time

That woman shes got eyes that shine
Like a pair of stolen polished dimes
She asked to dance I said it's fine
I'll see you in the morning time

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
Are you aware the shape im in
My hands they shake my head it spins
Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

Three words that became hard to say
I and love and you
What you were then, I am today
Look at the things I do

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
Are you aware the shape I'm in
My hands they shake my head it spins
Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

Dumbed down and numbed by time and age
Your dreams to catch the world, the cage
The highway sets the travelers stage
All exits look the same

Three words that became hard to say
I and love and you
I and love and you
I and love and you

which was followed two songs later with Signs by the Avett Brothers:

It's the place and your friends that got me down
Tellin' me I should not hang around
There's a sign in the window
Tellin' me I've got to go

I see the signs everyday
In your face and in your way that you act
It's not that it hurts my pride
Now I see the other side of you
The side that won't let down
The side that won't let go

I didn't mean for me to see
Things I see in you and me
But know I know that we can't live together
The way I want to live free forever


To me, it was pretty self explanatory. I'm scared to fucking death to go to New York. I've ripped myself bare to the point that I will be entering New York and new person, and returning an even newer one. I have so much riding on this summer that it's not even funny. If Brooklyn, if Pratt, isn't all that I've made it to be in my mind, I don't know what I'll do. This is my rebirth, and no matter what my "dumbed down and numb by time and age" elders have to say, the world isn't going to devour my dreams. I need this summer to prove that I can do something with my art, and more importantly, with myself.

anonymity.

B, you were right all along.

Formspring has gotten out of hand. It's not the questions people ask me (though they have been annoying, the questions about the validity of my virginity and sad attempts at wrecking my self esteem have far from impacted my life), because i truly find it interesting the things people are willing to say under the mask of anonymity. It's when people assume that it's ME who asked or said something anonymously that ticks me off. I understand that they have no evidence with which to convict me, but the fact that I don't have any evidence to disprove them is frustrating, at times.

I guess it really doesn't matter. I don't care what people think and I certainly don't have to defend myself to a nameless attacker.

finished.

Between wasted hours of restless sleep, almost-all-nighter cram sessions, and stressing over the amount of time spent in class when I could have been working, this week is finally over. Except for turning in my completed extended essay outline (some things had to be sacrificed for time's sake in turning in my world lit 1 paper) and submitting my more-or-less completed world lit 1 to turnitin.com, I accomplished everything I needed to do. I'm going to finish gluing pictures into my IWB tonight, do some CAS logging and wiki-updating tomorrow, and gather my last books to turn in to school/the library. Despite its wretchedness because of a lack of sleep, this week makes me appreciate the skills I've learned this year (typing more accurately quickly, skim-reading, studying in not-so-ideal conditions, managing stress) and helps me to realize the things I'm going to need to work on this summer and next year (not procrastinating, managing time and money, keeping a clean room and car even under stressful situations).

Even though I still have one more final next week, I've switched into summer mode. I really just need to tie up the ends on this year so that I can focus on getting a 2200 on the SAT June 5 (up from my former 1940), take the break I deserve, and then start my summer. One of my mom's former students, Rachael, is going to be staying at my house from next Tuesday until about June 8th with her little girl Cadence (Cady (pronounced like Katie)) and I can't be more excited. With a job prospect at a daycare center, I don't feel so stressed about this summer. I have a lot of things I'm going to need to buy for/in New York and I didn't think I would have the funds, honestly. It's exciting to me to know that this is what life is going to be like from now on. I understand that my extended essay is lurking, as well as college applications and renewed fears of rejection. But somehow I think just overcoming this year has made me much more mature than I'd ever imagined.

Dylan and I are better than ever. Today he picked me up from school and brought me home (my dad drove me this morning), at which point we just went outside and played with Gitsy for a good while. After a while we settled down on a hill in my backyard, just lying there and talking. I wish it were possible to take a picture with the eye. I understand that some moments inability to be caught on film is what makes us treasure them, but lying there with my eyes half-open, taking in the summery green grass and bright blue sky, I can't think of a more peaceful moment. Just to have that memory in my head, of the freckles on our noses touching, his chapped lips, the burst of sun behind his perfect jawline...I lose my inability to even think.

I can't even describe how much Dylan and Gitsy have done for me this year. How can the introduction of two new entities to my life have changed so much for me? I don't even want to think about where I'd be now if it weren't for them. And of course you, B. You are undeniably my best friend. I don't want to think about this time next year. It seems so unfair for me to have built my own family this year just to have it ripped apart by the fate that is college.

I don't want to end on such a depressing note, but I can't think of anything else to say. Expect another update when summer actually begins.

<3la

i wish to update you all

but my body is literally so tired that it's unbearable to stay awake any longer.

pain.

My stomach has been killing me for about the last two hours.

I've been doubled up for about a half an hour now, with a rice heat pack stuffed in the waistband of my sweats.





I am so not going to school tomorrow, even if just for the loss of sleep.

i forget, sometimes,

how much i need nights like tonight.
honestly, with school and thyroid and everything else, i haven't had a chance to laugh in ages.


b, you sure as hell better go to johns hopkins, because mapquest says it's only 3 hours and 43 minutes from pratt. that means that whenever we need each other, we can just hop on trains and get off at a halfway point.

you really made tonight a lot easier.

hashitoxicosis

It's having hypothyroidism AND hyperthyroidism. At the same time. So you're thinking, Wait, but the symptoms are the exact opposite so they just cancel each other out, right?


Wrong. You have all of them at the same time, often alternating handfuls of the conflicting symptoms within the same day.


Friday they will decide if this is what's wrong with me.

selfishness.

After reading your post, B, I was listening to the Decemberists' "Angels and Angles" and started thinking.

Let me just say this beforehand: I am not a Biblical literalist, and I believe in evolution. I understand that our views may differ, my readers, but please be tolerant of me. Also, bear with me; I'm going to explain the book in depth in order to make you see the significance of my post.

This year, as a requirement for my HL European History class, I had to read Ishmael by Daniel Quinn. It's the story of a man who genuinely wants to change the world, and, upon finding an ad asking for students who want to change the world, he responds. He attends the class to find a gorilla in a class cage, with a poster with a koan reading "When man is gone, will there be hope for gorilla?" (The other side of the poster is revealed, at the end, to say, "When gorilla is gone, will there be hope for man?") Somehow, the man is able to communicate telepathically with the gorilla (named Ishmael) and partakes in a socratic dialogue with him; perhaps it is just the man's thoughts upon seeing the koan? Regardless, the man comes to the conclusion that man's cultural myth is that man is the pinnacle of evolution, and that society split at the time of the Agricultural Revolution, into two groups: the Takers (those who practice agriculture) and the Leavers (hunter-gatherers).

Quinn is not a Biblical literalist, nor am I, and he uses the story of Cain and Abel to explain agriculture's murder of man's evolution. Basically, Quinn sets up that man took part in the evolutionary process until the onset of the Agricultural Revolution. By setting himself above the other creatures of the earth in claiming land his, man removed himself from evolution and all other creatures must suffer the consequences.

He believes that man is by no means the pinnacle of evolution, and that we must detach ourselves from the thoughts "Mother culture" puts in our minds--those our entire culture as man has been built upon. In order to stop the decay of our species, of other species, of the planet, we must revert to hunter-gatherer societies and live in harmony with the other inhabitants of our earth--which may mean being eaten or being left behind, of infanticide and matricide to maintain population.

The point is, I believe this to be man's natural state. The confusions of our world--the murderers and suicidal people, those who are depressed or suffer from substance abuse, the morbidly obese and the anorexic--were created by our society. This prozac-induced globe is built on fake ideals and goals that have no true meaning or end result.

And until today, I hurt inside with the knowledge that man can do nothing to reverse this--that we're simply going to keep destroying the planet and running our species into the ground until we leave and our poor earth can grow over our cities and start over. And I guess I still do, but I realized today that, were the population to come down to a vote (to continue our wreckage or to revert to hunter-gatherer society), I'd be selfish. I would want to keep my music, my loves, my art. Though our society is completely fucking the evolutionary process and is possibly creating the decay of our planet, though it fosters murder and self-loathing, it also has created the goodness in the world. Though we have to deal with this shit, we can listen to music that makes us cry because of its sheer force, we can feel in every tendon (spiritual and physical), we can love another or even several individuals with more passion than we can fathom giving ourselves.

I'd identify with Maslow, which is maybe why I'd come to that conclusion. There's this struggle within me, between believing that man is nothing special and being inspired and in love with the great human capabilities, that is driving me crazy. I realize that I probably sound like a fool, but this is truly all I've been able to think about this evening. Ishmael was such an eye-opening experience for me, but I have this human inability to give up what I have. Everyone does, but in some way that seems selfish to me. I don't know. I'm only in high school. At this point, I just want to get through my senior year. And for some reason, I'm aching for the death of our world. I don't want to be so obsessive on this topic, but it's truly all I can think about.

Which, I guess, favors my humanistic side. I am enamored with man's ability to think on such levels.

I think this is just cognitive dissonance I'm going to have to put up with.



Opinions?
Thanks for reading my rant, if you made it this far.

<3LA

training wheels

i went on a bike ride today.
it felt amazing.

My 101st post already?!

Wow.


Anyways. The title of this was going to be changes,
acos' I've been making some big ones.

Well, little ones that are going to have a big impact.

For instance,
I'm joining a thursday night cycling class.
Nightly, I'm doing intensive hindu squats (100 per 5 minutes) and several ab workouts.
I'm going to start going to Bob's every Tuesday and Thursday.

I'm working on eliminating soda from my life (but I can't lie, I'm still allowing myself that carbonated, flavored water from schnucks!)

I'm trying to eat breakfast every day.

I'm starting to brush my teeth three times a day, instead of one or two, like I used to pride myself on.

I'm using proper grammar, punctuation, and capitalization online.

I'm getting caught up on homework and organization.

I'm going to start babysitting again! I've joined two online agencies and I'm working on fliers for BuyLow and the neighborhood.

I'm READING again.

I'm expanding my art horizons. All of a sudden, I feel like David. I just want to go the the library and read EVERY SINGLE BOOK that has to do with art. I am bouncing up and down on the inside to get to New York and DO ART. (I'm even looking forward to doing that damn acrylic that I started first quarter.)



I just feel so alive again, and I'm not going to waste it.

My mom swore after the whole blood clot/hematoma experience that it had all happened so that she would be forced to take time off of work and get her priorities (family before work) straight.

I always kind of scoffed at her for that, but now I understand. I'm not saying that I developed an autoimmune disease that put a black mark through my high school years BECAUSE I needed to quit wasting my life. Looking back, though, I really had no motivation. I was depressed, I was gaining weight, I had devoted myself to an unhealthy vegetarian diet, I refused to work out, I buried myself in school, and yet I yearned to be skinny and happy and popular and BETTER.

Honestly, I think that if I hadn't developed Graves, I wouldn't be who I am now. I think I'd still be depressed and lonely and I'd have kept on living unhealthily.

I had to miss out on living for a year and a half to truly understand that there IS some meaning to life. I didn't realize that I was suffocating myself in those habits. And now that I've been forced into living the extremes, especially the low, I can appreciate my life. I'm not going to take for granted the perspective this has given me.

I'm not going to sit around anymore.
I'm going to run with it.

oh, sundance.

how i've missed you.

regulation

that's what it's all about.


my thyroid is FINALLY back to normal.
well, it's hyperthyroid (i'm pretty sure), but that means that i'm closer than i've been in forever.

i went to the library today, got a few books and a foreign film i've been lusting after for quite some time. and some books on dadaism. i paid off my fines and got a new card. this weekend, i cleaned my room and my car. i feel on top of the world.

today was so so good. i feel so so good.

what i realized today:

for the first time in a very VERY long time, i want things.
i want a new phone, the ipad, a quality camera, more puppy things, hair dye out the wazoo, new furniture, new clothing, new shoes. i want acrylic nails and i want to lose weight and i want to secrete indie vibes. i want to do my hair and makeup before i go to school. i want to learn, i want to finish my homework and then research things i don't know about. i want to read. i want to learn how to do a cartwheel. i want to look into dylan's eyes forever, i want to touch his ears, his wrists, his stomach. i want to watch him when he sleeps. i want to play with gitsy for hours and hours. i want to up and walk out of school. i want to steal street signs and spraypaint the science center and i want to eat subway cookies. i want to talk to people. i want love is the higher law and will grayson, will grayson. i want to drive to indianapolis to watch banksy's film with a girl i ABSOLUTELY hated six months ago. i want to thrive again. i have drive again.

this is what progress feels like.
this is what recovery feels like.


it's quite sad, actually.
i've been living for over a year, wanting nothing but to get by.
to fall into my bed at night and get enough sleep to get me through the next day.
i have been living a numb existence for a year now.

all i'm saying is,
you don't realize how much you've lost until you get it all back.

mountains v. molehills

my aunt's house was broken into, robbed of everything of value, and completely trashed. she already struggles so much just to get through from day to day. it's not fair.

somehow it just makes my problems seem so superficial.







i really just want to jump in the car and drive to north carolina right now.

i'll be so glad to escape this city

escape who i am,
who i want to be,
my family,
this dumb routine,
my attitude,
my school,
my responsibility,
my life

just for a little while.

spring cleaning

is a task, but i feel awesome when i walk around my house now. except that my feet are constantly damp from the just-cleaned carpets.


i went to a show at wired last night...it was really great. i think that i forget how much i miss listening to live music when i go so long without it. especially when it's a network of people who uphold the same value system as i do; alla' them straightedge powerpoppin' boy-and-girl band members and acoustic guitar slingin' peacemongers are really genuine, and i feel like i fit in with them.

kainan was there. it was nice to have someone to converse with when dylan was doing his thing on stage. i think i always saw kainan as such a self-assured person; it was interesting to see him standing around like an awkward sardine like me when everyone else was doing something for the show.

i've been reconnecting with some old friends, and it feels really great. lots of positive feedback, so i guess i'll keep it up.

good weekend. i feel a hundred times better than when it started.


ps. i commented you back, in case you didnt see it. i'm sorry for handling it through blogger when i could have done it a little more eloquently. i remember feeling attacked back when we had that tiff in july, to get on here and see an angry blog. i think i wanted you to feel that a little, but i shouldn't have carried it through.

anyways. i don't want it to be tense tomorrow in tok. i'd say let's forget it ever happened, but i needed to say some of those things. so let's just forgive my being an ass about how i confronted you. cool?

It's great to know your true feelings about me.

Really.

After not having said anything to me in the past 3 days, except to blow up in my face in art class and then work with your back to me all of class.

You didn't have the right to blow up at me like that. I knew that you weren't mad at me, so I let it go. But it's been three days.

Which I guess wouldn't be such a big deal if what went down at lunch today didn't happen. But it did.

After failing to sign Kaleen onto being treasurer, I offered to run with you. Sure, it'll be fun to run as an administration with my friends. And you ignored me. So I offered again, repeatedly, and you talked over me to Kaleen. About how you needed someone in hl math to be treasurer, so that they could "actually look at large numbers and put them together" or something like that.

What the hell. Thanks for the vote of confidence. But really, thanks so much for letting me know what you actually think of me. I don't measure up to you and your intelligent friends, I get it. And instead of listening to me, instead of saying ANYTHING directly to me, you tried to let me know in a comment to kaleen that I couldn't possibly qualify for the position of treasurer because, I guess, us standard level math kids don't know how to add past double digits. And it was up to you to decide that for me. Well I guess I'm done with being the retarded kid of our relationship.

This makes me question everything. It pisses me off and hurts me that now I can't look back at our relationship and see anywhere where we were equals. How you and your boyfriend expect to live together, to stay together for x amount of time, yet whenever I bring that up about me and dylan, you dismiss it. How hl math makes your life so much harder than mine. How you always mothered me, and for some reason, I put up with it. How I'm never invited to anything you do with Caleb and them.

I don't want to lose you as a friend. But I don't know what else to do, because I can't do this to your face without saying something I don't want to. I feel like you walk over me because you don't think I'll walk away from our friendship, but I don't want to be abused.

And maybe some of this is a misunderstanding on my part, but I don't feel like I did anything to you. Were you pissed because I talked to Jillian during art after you got angry and put your headphones in? Was it my agreeing with Mrs. Goodridge on the collage idea? What the hell did I do? Because I just don't understand.



-------------------------


In other news, I'm tired of dumb people on formspring. And I'm sick.

i got a tumblr.

http://temperedfursandspangledboots.tumblr.com

i'm sick
and currently,
really fed
up with people.

and even
more
fed
up
with my
inability
to speak up to those who
are
close to me,
for fear that
they'll become people
who
were
close to
me.

spring awakening

though i haven't slept as much as i'd like to have, this break has been surprisingly relaxing. i had the chance to work with kids at my aunt's preschool from 9a-1p every day except thursday, and i miss it already. i fell in love with each and every one of those kids.

i haven't done as much homework as i should have but i'm going to finish that on the 12-hour car ride tomorrow.

i went shopping and am returning home with a completely new wardrobe (basically), my prom dress, necklace, earrings, shoes, AND purse, and a much more positive self-image than i left evansville with.

tonight is my last family dinner. we leave tomorrow at 8. i'm not ready to leave. me and my mom have been rubbing each other the wrong way, and i don't want to leave with her being fussy with me, especially after having been treated incredibly kindly by my aunt/stand-in mom all week.

i am, however, excited to see dylan. i just wish that karinne and everyone would hang out with us. i don't want to get out of the car just to sit on a couch or at the movies. i want to DO something and see people. i don't know.

i hate the situation i'm in with friends at the moment. obviously, blake and dylan, you two are godsends. but i miss being that girl surrounded by a group of best friends. i miss that community of friends. i don't like getting on facebook to see my friends posing at the zoo on the same stump that we ALL messed around on last year. it upsets me that they've discluded me from that and i don't know what to do. caleb and melissa and kaleen and everyone are great, but they're not my best friends. they're better friends with eachother and with blake that a lot of the times, i feel like i should just not eat with them. that's silly, of course...i appreciate their friendship. i just want my boyfriend at my school to eat with and a network of friends to come home to.

what the hell, this was a cheery post.

moving on, i got into pratt's summer program into my first choice elective, which is art and design discovery. now to wait and see if i got the merit scholarship. please, god, let me have gotten it. i can't afford a $4500 summer program. regardless, my family is saving every penny--packing lunch, not eating out, shopping at cheaper stores, etc--in order for me to go, which makes me happy.

i'll write more later on this...i'm terribly excited to write it all down, but it's dinner time.

peace, love.

i hate being on my period.

it makes me want to kill the world.

spring break

so far, this spring break had been exhausting. all of friday, i got ready for my trip. the two seconds of free time i had were spent driving to and from the mall, in order to see dylan for the last time. and then we left. we drove from 5pm until 1am, crashing at a quality inn with outside doors located all of 12 feet from a railroad junction that transported oil for all of the major names. the engineers blew their horns EVERY time they passed the hotel. with every 10 minutes that passed, so did 3 screaming trains. joy. the next day we woke up at 7 (!) and were on the road by 8. we drove, with gitsy whining and crying the whole way, until 8 at night, stopping every few hours to let gitsy out of her cage or to look for prom dresses. we got pizza from the mellow mushroom, went shopping at whole foods, got cookies and chai from the mad hatter, and went to my grandma's. i ended up going to bed around midnight at my aunt's.

this morning, i got up at 9 to get to church by 11, and then grocery shopped and helped transport people from grandma's to my aunt's until about 5:30, not really sitting down at all for 5 hours. now people are cooking and doing homework and putting groceries away, and all i want to do is sleep. my mom's not making food i can eat, anyways. and i have that dumb bio lab to do still.

when does spring break become a break?

it's been a while.

since i last blogged, lots of big things have happened:

i've begun (began?) eating poultry again. it's not like i enjoy it, but it is a world easier than i thought it would be. i guess i was just so scared to lose the label of "vegetarian."

i mailed my portfolio off to pratt, and i'm dying to get my results back. the anticipation is killing me. in order for new york to happen, i've been saving literally every penny i find in a snapple jar, and i think i already have over $30 in the first week. the real things draining my resources are food and gas, which (unfortunately) i have to deal with. i haven't bought any food since friday, though, so i'm getting there.

i finished my world lit 2 paper. truly, i could have done much better, but i've just been so stressed recently that english and math, my easy subjects, have been put on the back burner so my grades in those areas are suffering.

recently, my physical self esteem has been really high, following a pretty bad low. i ballooned up in my weight, especially in my face, overnight and stayed that way for about three days. luckily it was all water weight, and i dropped it all and more the next day. that has been helping me get through all of this stress, not worrying as much about my weight. not only that, but i've started working out more and i feel really great.

my nanny tried to commit suicide. right now i really don't know what to think. she's probably one of the most beautiful people i know...she has my favorite color of skin in people, the kind that looks like a latte and is freckled and perfectly smooth. and her hair is literally silver. she amazes me, and it makes me so sad that she can't see that her daughter, her husband, her grandchildren, her "granbabies," and she calls jaime, chantel, carmine, jackson, and i--the children she nannied from birth to elementary school--and our parents love her so much. it's really made me question a lot of things in my life recently.

though my thyroid has still been screwed, i've found some peace with it. i sleep when i need to, and let my homework go unfinished. i know when to eat so that i don't wake up feeling as if my stomach is eating itself. and, best of all, i know how to keep it from hurting my emotions. for the longest time, i remember not being able to feel the butterflies and the warmth that having dylan gave me for the depression. but i've been handling it really well, even without medicine for the past week, so i'm proud of myself.

the weather has finally transitioned into the almost-springtime sun, and i can smell summer around the corner. i forgot how happy sunshine makes me.

i'm leaving friday night for north carolina, just with momma and gitsy. i'm so UNBELIEVABLY excited.

that's all for now, sorry it's so long.

over overthinking

ive recently been reintroduced to the frailty of human composure;
thank god, i didnt find it in self-reflection.

right now i am strong. today was a plasticky antique smell, positive self-image, the warmth from the sun, too-sweet green tea, and being alone without being lonely (even if i longed for company).

i like that feeling.
i need summer to be here.
for musicals, art shows, SATs, portfolio due dates, world lit papers, european history projects, AP tests, finals, and stressss just to be done until next august.
i need a break.

i'm supposed to be fixed.

i'm not supposed to cry myself to sleep every night, still.
im supposed to have the energy to go to school, and come home and not need to go to bed right then.
im supposed to have enough energy to have fun, to dance, to run around.
i'm supposed to be able to deal with stress instead of just letting it crush me.
i'm supposed to want to learn, to be creative, to see my boyfriend.
all i want to do is sleep.
all i want to do is cry.
all i want to do is have dylan holding me, all day.

i used to be fun
and interesting
and skinny and pretty and
active and happy and not
THIS.
i'm so tired of this.




i'm taking all of my medicine,
so why don't i feel like a normal fucking human being yet?

my brain tells me i have the world to live for,
but my heart just can't hear it.

i miss me.

i miss me.
i don't know where i went.

it's always when i think i've finally found some balance in my life

that someone comes crashing down on everything i've built, telling me my vision was perverted and needed to be fixed. no suggestions, no kind words, no pulling me aside to question my intentions. no, a fucking slap to the face every. fucking. time. how am i supposed to be myself when everyone is busy telling me that the person i want to be isn't good enough?

can't you see that i've got a tinder heart and a paper body
that could burst into flames at the slightest spark?

doesn't that matter to anyone?

no, let's give her a name tag that reads "anger" and ship her off to yet another doctor's office,
corner her on car rides, dinners out with the family. break her down until she hates the very foundation on which she has prided herself on forming, and then tell her to cheer up when her bedside manner is bringing daddy's birthday party down.

fuck you.
you do not know me if you're tossing me into the anger management bin.
because maybe my emotions don't play out on my face the way they do inside,
so here's a backstage pass: inside of me is broken. all the strings are frayed and have wittled themselves down to threads.

and every time you do this to me, a few of them break. and sure, there may be hundreds, but once they're gone, they're gone for good. and i fear the day when ive only got one or two left when my foundation is shattered.

not that i'm blaming this all on you, because i'm not. mostly i blame myself. ive broken more of my strings than anyone else has. and that's the problem. i'm constantly teetering on the very edge of losing myself to a black hole of self-loathing. i'm my own punching bag; i can handle that much. it's once you join in on the punches and kicks, once you train me to make more and more accurate and painful blows to already-tender areas, that things start to look a little hopeless to my guilt-ridden psyche.

i don't know,
but i'm drowning here.
i need a change, and now.
i'm calling a new psychiatrist tomorrow.

nothing i can control

is going right this week.


pandora is nice to me
and dylan is nice to me
and blake is nice to me
and that is all.

kickass self esteem today, but i've been off my synthroid for four days now, and i'm starting to get depressed again. I NEED MORE MEDS!

sleeping

i don't want to go to school tomorrow

i feel like i'm getting sick
and i just want to sleep it off

so i think that's exactly what i'm going to do.

caught

last night, i went to denny's with nathan and jaime at 1 am
without asking my parents
and we got caught
because the dogs got into chocolate
and then jumped on my mom and dad's bed.


i'm grounded for at least a week,
heavy chores and homework every day, nothing else allowed unless the house is spotless and all homework is completed.
no seeing boyfriend/friends.
straight to school and back home, nowhere else.

but they didn't take my phone or my ipod or my computer
so i can still communicate.


i'm more upset with myself than i am with my mom.
i deserve the punishment i've been given,
and it's not really that bad at all.

i don't think i was thinking; i was just hungry and decided to go on an impulse.
i had a panic attack when my mom called me and asked where the fuck we were
and i called dylan when she hung up on me three times in a row, then turned her phone off.
and i let him see the messed up part of me, that guilt monster.

in those moments, i'm a ruiner
and i didnt want him to see me that way.
it tears me apart how stupid and reckless and fucked up i am
when i'm like that.


so dylan,
i'm sorry.
i'm working on it.

accents

sure,
someone's accent can tell you where he's from,
but it can't tell you anything about
everywhere he's been.

maybe i'm beating a dead whore

(ha) by posting this, but i'm tired of your blatant disregard for anyone other than yourself. s my d. i don't have to deal with you, and i promise that next year, i'll be seated as far away from you as i can be at all times. i don;t understand how you can be so fucking fake all of the time.

i'm sorry i haven't called. i consider myself friendless, when i don't think about what we have. (had? :/) i texted you earlier but i think you were sleeping...maybe we can just skip the past three years and go back to being best friends? i miss having you in my life; you've always been my closest guy friend, even when you pushed my princess cake off the table and ruined it all those years ago. i have taken your allegiance to me for granted, and i'm sorry. please call me.

happiest birthday, i miss you. you've stayed by me, so thank you. i promise we'll find a way to hang out soon; i didn't forget about you.

i still can't forgive you for that. i don't know if i ever will. how could you do that to your child? i will protect him with all i have for as long as he'll let me, and you won't do that again.

you've been weird lately, and i hate it. maybe you've been a little more snide, maybe it's just my imagination. but for now i guess nothing can be done.

i know we've both been busy and therefore distant this week, but i love you. see you thursday.





sleep beckons.
tomorrow i'll finally put down a story i've been meaning to write down for a while,
about a man who lives in the attic that adjoins my room (:
night

i feel as if i've been cheating

on you, lovely blog, but my new pocket journal is just so much more accessible during the day.
already it's seen more of me that you have in a while. anyways. my life is hell at this point, outside of a few saving graces. i'm too tired to keep up like this. i can feel the emptiness inside of me slowly eating everything i know and love. it's been a long time since i've felt this attacked, especially by those who are supposed to be here for me. i just don't understand. it's the weirdest thing in the world to be emotionless, to feel drained and empty all of the time. it's like there's nothing worth anything left.




i don't understand this life anymore. i dont understand myself, i dont understand others, i dont understand the point.


which brings me to this:
is there anything worth looking for? worth loving for? worth lying for?
is there anything worth waiting for? worth living for? worth dying for?

dashboard confessional-i am missing



i don't know anymore.

sufjan stevens

death cab for cutie
nevershoutnever (the new stuff)
manchester orchestra
this providence
late-night phone calls with dylan
spending the night at blake's
pointless art classes
sleeping
eating lunch with people who are intellectually stimulating



these are the only things that are keeping me sane right now.

bad week already

no sleep til' government class
hell yeah!



-____-






i still have half a bio chapter to read, 16 assessments to assess, a chapter of government to outline, a lab to finalize, some art to bullshit, and a drawing to do for mr. reek.


shoot me?

i don't know what's wrong with me lately.

i have every reason in the world to be radiating happiness, and i'm not.
not that i'm sad or upset; it's like i'm numb.

and it's been eating at me, particularly in the last week. i can't pin it down, but i feel like i'm being constantly pulled back to this state of zombie-like impatience and inability for emotion by SOMETHING. and not only that, but immense frustration with this constant "stuck-in-a-rut" mentality. i'm bouncing up and down inside of my skull with the need to do something out of the ordinary.

and i guess the way i'm looking at life at this point is that i have two stable friends, piss-poor confidence, and a suffering self esteem, so completely skipping over a sense of belonging and esteem and shooting straight for SA is what i need. which obviously isn't working.

my doctor has amped me up to 200 mcg of synthroid daily. maybe it's just my thyroid, i don't know. i'm just tired of this. really tired.

i'm on fire

and now i think i'm ready to bust a move,
check it out; i'm rockin' steady




7 on my investigative workbook review,
signature theatre's newest assistant stage manager.
best monday ever.
OWW! ;D

2010

a new year. somehow, a new start. i don't know what my resolution will be just yet, but i do have a list of things i learned in 2009

1. you have to love people for who they are, not who you expect them to be. otherwise your whole relationship is built on false pretense.

2. one of the biggest mistakes you can make is to see someone as an idea, a paper person, rather than a living and breathing and feeling human being.

3. not everything gets uglier the closer you get. (sorry to disagree with you there, john green.)

4. "happiness won't find you when you can't see part yourself; the only dreams that matter are your own." is actually a logical statement.

5. the international baccalaureate program was developed by sadists for masochistic teenagers.

6. so were myspace and facebook.

7. music is absolutely everything.

8. sometimes fictitious characters are the devoted reader's closest companion.

9. love can make you do the stupidest, most reckless things ever, but it is, hands down, the best feeling in the world.

10. sometimes you have to give up everything you once had, or have it stripped from you, and rebuild your ideas of yourself.

11. true connection to one or two people trumps friendship with a larger group.

12. family is necessary, and it is heartwarming.

13. appearances aren't nothing, but they don't truly mean anything.

14. sometimes a dog is a better friend than a human can possibly be.

15. happiness can't be measured in quantity or quality alone.

16. naps are the most glorious idea anyone came up with.

17. running from problems only makes them get exponentially bigger with every day that goes by.

18. love gets exponentially bigger with every day that goes by.

19. sometimes you have to be a bitch.

20. you have to appreciate the little things.




my first day of 2010 was the best(: