i fell asleep with the window open, my futon pushed up to the wall beneath it.
i wrapped myself up in my curtains, much like the canopy that hung over my bed during my childhood.
jackson was michelangelo, and i his mermaid princess, hidden away from all the monsters that he would fight off.
i think i have always loved him.
i let the cold rain fall soft upon my cheeks, listened the hollow sound of the rain smacking against the windowsill as the thunder shook the wall i lay against. i fell asleep to the sound of my own voice;
if i fell,
blackbird,
green finch and linnet bird,
you say,
pen and notebook.
i must admit, singing oneself to sleep is much easier than crying.
it was probably the most peace i have ever felt.
i woke up the the sound of a car crash, six uneven trills on a car horn, the squeal of useless brakes, and then the most sickening crash of metal.
no matter the dream one is emerged in, reality always has to find its way back in,
the sharp end of its wedge always an unwelcome surprise.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
i have no idea who i have become, this year
and yet, i feel more certain of who i really am
than i have ever been.
i let this year so causally slip by, as i got lazier and lazier
in the school world, that is.
socially, i have become that butterfly i have always known was waiting
inside
for the perfect situation, this
which is now my life.
i sometimes wonder if this is how it is supposed to be,
if this scholar, whose mold i have been silenced into by my own subconciousness,
is just an excuse to hold me from the real friends,
real self-awareness,
real love,
i have been given in the past year.
no longer are there messages awaiting my approval
in that myspace inbox, every day
repeating over and over,
bitch, fatass, poser
bitch, fatass, poser
bitch, fatass poser, liar.
liar liar liar liar.
liar.
FAT ASS. FAT ASS FAT ASS FAT ASS.
i went and read them all, got myself all worked up.
that's not the point.
the point is that ive got this amazing friend base that can help me through anything
from my mom being a nazi bitch
to my countless car crashes
to my slipping grades
to my need for acceptance
back to my mom being a nazi bitch.
i've learned so much about myself,
who i can become,
my talents and my weaknesses.
i'm now at 196 pounds, from standing at 238 last september.
i dont notice any changes in myself.
not until i look at old photos.
my double chin, the countless pairs of spanx
it's the same way with this new life i have.
looking back through those messages, i still hurt.
but now i've got these lovelies holding my hands the whole time,
and i can face it.
i believe everyone comes to this earth with a mission to learn something.
i'm not sure what mine is, at this point, but i've got a pretty good idea
for the one i needed to overcome, and finally have,: reconstruction.
i've rebuilt this life i once had,
but better, with more knowledges, more defenses.
more people there to support me.
i get by with a little help from my friends...
than i have ever been.
i let this year so causally slip by, as i got lazier and lazier
in the school world, that is.
socially, i have become that butterfly i have always known was waiting
inside
for the perfect situation, this
which is now my life.
i sometimes wonder if this is how it is supposed to be,
if this scholar, whose mold i have been silenced into by my own subconciousness,
is just an excuse to hold me from the real friends,
real self-awareness,
real love,
i have been given in the past year.
no longer are there messages awaiting my approval
in that myspace inbox, every day
repeating over and over,
bitch, fatass, poser
bitch, fatass, poser
bitch, fatass poser, liar.
liar liar liar liar.
liar.
FAT ASS. FAT ASS FAT ASS FAT ASS.
i went and read them all, got myself all worked up.
that's not the point.
the point is that ive got this amazing friend base that can help me through anything
from my mom being a nazi bitch
to my countless car crashes
to my slipping grades
to my need for acceptance
back to my mom being a nazi bitch.
i've learned so much about myself,
who i can become,
my talents and my weaknesses.
i'm now at 196 pounds, from standing at 238 last september.
i dont notice any changes in myself.
not until i look at old photos.
my double chin, the countless pairs of spanx
it's the same way with this new life i have.
looking back through those messages, i still hurt.
but now i've got these lovelies holding my hands the whole time,
and i can face it.
i believe everyone comes to this earth with a mission to learn something.
i'm not sure what mine is, at this point, but i've got a pretty good idea
for the one i needed to overcome, and finally have,: reconstruction.
i've rebuilt this life i once had,
but better, with more knowledges, more defenses.
more people there to support me.
i get by with a little help from my friends...
Sunday, May 17, 2009
today
i've rediscovered backseat goodbye,
one of my all time favorite bands who i had forgotten
i just can't even BEGIN to describe to you that feeling,
it's like i've forgotten this huge part of who i am on the side of the highway,
and then driving by one day, happen upon its carcass and bring it back to life.
i sometimes wonder if others feel the same way i do when listening to music; it's that moment in which i want to sing until my throat literally bursts into flames, want to cry my eyes out, want to laugh as hard as i can. it is as though my whole body goes completely numb with emotion.
it's similar to a panic attack, which i often have, but more positive.
it's at these moments that i feel most creative, most empowered, most confident in who i have come to be.
one of my all time favorite bands who i had forgotten
i just can't even BEGIN to describe to you that feeling,
it's like i've forgotten this huge part of who i am on the side of the highway,
and then driving by one day, happen upon its carcass and bring it back to life.
i sometimes wonder if others feel the same way i do when listening to music; it's that moment in which i want to sing until my throat literally bursts into flames, want to cry my eyes out, want to laugh as hard as i can. it is as though my whole body goes completely numb with emotion.
it's similar to a panic attack, which i often have, but more positive.
it's at these moments that i feel most creative, most empowered, most confident in who i have come to be.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
on top of everything else, i've lost my ipod
my one escape is missing.
aside from that, my gpa is currently a 2.6.
not an all time low, but deathly close.
for the quarter:
i have a D for both health and chemistry, which is impossible. i've NEVER had D's before. i have C's in math and spanish.
for the year:
C's in math and chem.
B's in spanish, ap world, ap english, and health.
A's in singers and band. go figure.
i just need to be working on that nightly. i haven't done any homework tonight, nor did i last night.
my brother is sleeping in my room tonight, as my uncle has taken over his room. therefore, the option of crying myself to sleep is no longer option.
also, my lack of sleep has begun affecting (effecting?) my class work; when i'm not sleeping in class, i'm playing catch-up on the homework or notes for the next class. for instance, i slept through math today. never have i slept through that class when we weren't watching videos. i feel horrible--i'm sure my teacher noticed and i drooled all over myself (hah).
anyways, i'm going to get some sleep. arghhh
aside from that, my gpa is currently a 2.6.
not an all time low, but deathly close.
for the quarter:
i have a D for both health and chemistry, which is impossible. i've NEVER had D's before. i have C's in math and spanish.
for the year:
C's in math and chem.
B's in spanish, ap world, ap english, and health.
A's in singers and band. go figure.
i just need to be working on that nightly. i haven't done any homework tonight, nor did i last night.
my brother is sleeping in my room tonight, as my uncle has taken over his room. therefore, the option of crying myself to sleep is no longer option.
also, my lack of sleep has begun affecting (effecting?) my class work; when i'm not sleeping in class, i'm playing catch-up on the homework or notes for the next class. for instance, i slept through math today. never have i slept through that class when we weren't watching videos. i feel horrible--i'm sure my teacher noticed and i drooled all over myself (hah).
anyways, i'm going to get some sleep. arghhh
Sunday, May 3, 2009
I just can't stop blogging, it's great
So I'm just going to say that last night was probably the best of my life. It's not like we did anything spectacular--we went to a music venue and sat outside all night.
We didn't stay there the whole time; beforehand we had gone to a golf and fun center which now requires that people sixteen and under must now present a license, or come with an adult, or leave. I was the only one with a license, so needless to say, we left.
Anyways, we drove around downtown for a while--gelato, one way streets, closed businesses. Then we went and picked up my best friend from his house.
The tickets for the concert were ten dollars, so we decided not to buy them. Instead, we opted to go on an adventure. We caused a ruckus at the gas station AND sonic, at which an entire medium mango limeade was spilled on all four people piled into the back seat of my car.
After we left, I drove everybody home and the last person ended up being my best friend, Tyler.
Let me explain Tyler: He's definitely my best friend; I feel closer to him than I've felt to anyone in my life. He's gay. We watch all the same movies, listen to the same music, read all the same books. He plays the viola, so much that he has a constant "hickey" from its contact with his neck. He always wears the same thing--khaki cargo shorts, flip-flops, and a simple t-shirt--every day. I love him more than words can possibly describe. His mom is his hero, which I wish I could relate to. He lives with his grandparents who don't know he's gay--his room is small but covered in snapshots of our friends, us. He doesn't go to my school, so seeing him is rare but cherished. Our usual night out would be gallivanting in target, stealing all of the comfy chairs and positioning them into a circle (with friends) at borders, and getting some coffee at midnight from starbucks.
Back to my story--
We were talking about boys and how we want them. We discussed our crushes and stalkers. For some reason I felt the need to slow down (this is coming from a constant speeder) to just a hair below the speed limit. Cherish him. Cherish myself. Cherish this moment. We began talking about our friendships and why they're so important. "That's why I love our friend group. We're actually polite. We actually care." I told him, exactly. Right as this happened, the shuffle on my ipod chose "with a little help from my friends" by the beatles. How perfect, we agreed. That's exactly what our friendship is. It's perfect moments that can be described with a beatles song. It's looking over at a magnetic wall covered with my face, movie tickets from shared night of across the universe and the curious case of benjamin button. It's faces lighting up at the sight of the other's car, endless hugs and the best advice in the world.
It's all of this an so much more. This is the one reason I will dread graduation. Facebook will keep us connected in the smallest of ways. Christmas will come and we'll both head back to this sleepy little town with the faces of strangers. This is why this relationship means so much to me--that in two short years, we'll be going our separate ways, becoming more and more unraveled with each mile. We both have amazing futures ahead of us, but they point in different directions. Not opposite, but far enough. My last day in this city, I will cry in his arms.
This is why I live in the present; the past is over, and the future, though filled with the opportunities anyone could hope for, brings the beginning of a life alone.
We didn't stay there the whole time; beforehand we had gone to a golf and fun center which now requires that people sixteen and under must now present a license, or come with an adult, or leave. I was the only one with a license, so needless to say, we left.
Anyways, we drove around downtown for a while--gelato, one way streets, closed businesses. Then we went and picked up my best friend from his house.
The tickets for the concert were ten dollars, so we decided not to buy them. Instead, we opted to go on an adventure. We caused a ruckus at the gas station AND sonic, at which an entire medium mango limeade was spilled on all four people piled into the back seat of my car.
After we left, I drove everybody home and the last person ended up being my best friend, Tyler.
Let me explain Tyler: He's definitely my best friend; I feel closer to him than I've felt to anyone in my life. He's gay. We watch all the same movies, listen to the same music, read all the same books. He plays the viola, so much that he has a constant "hickey" from its contact with his neck. He always wears the same thing--khaki cargo shorts, flip-flops, and a simple t-shirt--every day. I love him more than words can possibly describe. His mom is his hero, which I wish I could relate to. He lives with his grandparents who don't know he's gay--his room is small but covered in snapshots of our friends, us. He doesn't go to my school, so seeing him is rare but cherished. Our usual night out would be gallivanting in target, stealing all of the comfy chairs and positioning them into a circle (with friends) at borders, and getting some coffee at midnight from starbucks.
Back to my story--
We were talking about boys and how we want them. We discussed our crushes and stalkers. For some reason I felt the need to slow down (this is coming from a constant speeder) to just a hair below the speed limit. Cherish him. Cherish myself. Cherish this moment. We began talking about our friendships and why they're so important. "That's why I love our friend group. We're actually polite. We actually care." I told him, exactly. Right as this happened, the shuffle on my ipod chose "with a little help from my friends" by the beatles. How perfect, we agreed. That's exactly what our friendship is. It's perfect moments that can be described with a beatles song. It's looking over at a magnetic wall covered with my face, movie tickets from shared night of across the universe and the curious case of benjamin button. It's faces lighting up at the sight of the other's car, endless hugs and the best advice in the world.
It's all of this an so much more. This is the one reason I will dread graduation. Facebook will keep us connected in the smallest of ways. Christmas will come and we'll both head back to this sleepy little town with the faces of strangers. This is why this relationship means so much to me--that in two short years, we'll be going our separate ways, becoming more and more unraveled with each mile. We both have amazing futures ahead of us, but they point in different directions. Not opposite, but far enough. My last day in this city, I will cry in his arms.
This is why I live in the present; the past is over, and the future, though filled with the opportunities anyone could hope for, brings the beginning of a life alone.
I wrote this on my phone in that car
Alright so on monday, my mom and I were talking about religion and I told her how I sometimes doubt the presence of anything--that maybe we make up religion to cushion death.
I'm not sure of what I believe--at all, essentially. I don't think I fully believe in what I've written above, but I'm not sure that I fully believe in any other religion.
I know what I stand for, and why. I can analyze friendships, relationships--their meanings and their strength. But I can't figure a damn thing out as to what is beyond this life.
I don't know what I assumed she'd say, but she freaked out.
Insinuated that I was not thinking, stupid.
So this weekend I drew an ohm symbol on one of my shoes. Again with the freaking. She asked me if I knew it was a religious symbol, that only a week ago, I was saying how I "didn't believe anything" and now I was "drawing it on my shoe as though it defines me." She just doesn't understand. I guess i'd never thought of my family as particularly religious, but I guess I'm finding out new things about more than just myself.
Aren't the teenage years supposed to be a time of question, discovery? Maybe this is why I'm so excited to get my hands on On Identity. Like I said in a comment to Blake, what I think I really need this summer is to actually understand who I am, or at least get close. This is going to sound stupid, but by watching these sundance movies, rereading all of these books that I read long ago--they meant so much to me before, but I never understood them. In all honesty, by not focusing so much on school (and maybe even by letting my grades slip a little), by building these relationships and unveiling their true meaning, I've found myself more than just a little. And maybe On Identity will help me find this closure I've been yearning for, a hint as to what I really believe in.
I'm not sure of what I believe--at all, essentially. I don't think I fully believe in what I've written above, but I'm not sure that I fully believe in any other religion.
I know what I stand for, and why. I can analyze friendships, relationships--their meanings and their strength. But I can't figure a damn thing out as to what is beyond this life.
I don't know what I assumed she'd say, but she freaked out.
Insinuated that I was not thinking, stupid.
So this weekend I drew an ohm symbol on one of my shoes. Again with the freaking. She asked me if I knew it was a religious symbol, that only a week ago, I was saying how I "didn't believe anything" and now I was "drawing it on my shoe as though it defines me." She just doesn't understand. I guess i'd never thought of my family as particularly religious, but I guess I'm finding out new things about more than just myself.
Aren't the teenage years supposed to be a time of question, discovery? Maybe this is why I'm so excited to get my hands on On Identity. Like I said in a comment to Blake, what I think I really need this summer is to actually understand who I am, or at least get close. This is going to sound stupid, but by watching these sundance movies, rereading all of these books that I read long ago--they meant so much to me before, but I never understood them. In all honesty, by not focusing so much on school (and maybe even by letting my grades slip a little), by building these relationships and unveiling their true meaning, I've found myself more than just a little. And maybe On Identity will help me find this closure I've been yearning for, a hint as to what I really believe in.
Friday, May 1, 2009
its interesting to me that i've posted more than once for two days now..
this blog is all about regina spektor.
if you haven't heard her music, go look for it
done with that?
well here's this,
just watch it all the way through.
so creative.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGTDRztaCCw
i wish i were her, really.
she's so amazing.
if you haven't heard her music, go look for it
done with that?
well here's this,
just watch it all the way through.
so creative.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGTDRztaCCw
i wish i were her, really.
she's so amazing.
today has been so shitty
didn't go to bed til two, studying for a math test which im pretty sure i failed anyway
i fell asleep in chem, wasted tears on a forged community service form, fell asleep in spanish, didn't do my health homework, and like i said, failed a math test.
so basically, my uncle sean is coming to live with us on monday. divorce. i am not allowed to leave my house until both my room and the bathroom my brother and i share
are spotless. get his, my brother's room is about as messy as mine, but he doesn't have to clean it, even though that's where my uncle will be living. i'll probably delve deep into the world of being an older sibling in due time, but im too pissed to waste my energy on that right now.
anyways. im blaring red jumpsuit apparatus, hoping my mom will get bitchy about it. and painting my nails. and decorating my shoes. anything but clean my room.
the big mess is that i realize im doing this to myself--over and over and over again.
i think i'm just in this funk, a sinkhole, that i can't get out of. like i'm just walking along, then one day i climb up a mountain, reach the peak on good days. then somehow, something has to go wrong--i fall of, down to a valley where there are plenty of small hills and just as many sinkholes. then it just starts all over again.
much like china's dynastic cycle--eventually all good things must come to an end with a swooping crash and a spectacular burn. oh, newton if only i lived in your ideal world...
i fell asleep in chem, wasted tears on a forged community service form, fell asleep in spanish, didn't do my health homework, and like i said, failed a math test.
so basically, my uncle sean is coming to live with us on monday. divorce. i am not allowed to leave my house until both my room and the bathroom my brother and i share
are spotless. get his, my brother's room is about as messy as mine, but he doesn't have to clean it, even though that's where my uncle will be living. i'll probably delve deep into the world of being an older sibling in due time, but im too pissed to waste my energy on that right now.
anyways. im blaring red jumpsuit apparatus, hoping my mom will get bitchy about it. and painting my nails. and decorating my shoes. anything but clean my room.
the big mess is that i realize im doing this to myself--over and over and over again.
i think i'm just in this funk, a sinkhole, that i can't get out of. like i'm just walking along, then one day i climb up a mountain, reach the peak on good days. then somehow, something has to go wrong--i fall of, down to a valley where there are plenty of small hills and just as many sinkholes. then it just starts all over again.
much like china's dynastic cycle--eventually all good things must come to an end with a swooping crash and a spectacular burn. oh, newton if only i lived in your ideal world...
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