It's great to know your true feelings about me.

Really.

After not having said anything to me in the past 3 days, except to blow up in my face in art class and then work with your back to me all of class.

You didn't have the right to blow up at me like that. I knew that you weren't mad at me, so I let it go. But it's been three days.

Which I guess wouldn't be such a big deal if what went down at lunch today didn't happen. But it did.

After failing to sign Kaleen onto being treasurer, I offered to run with you. Sure, it'll be fun to run as an administration with my friends. And you ignored me. So I offered again, repeatedly, and you talked over me to Kaleen. About how you needed someone in hl math to be treasurer, so that they could "actually look at large numbers and put them together" or something like that.

What the hell. Thanks for the vote of confidence. But really, thanks so much for letting me know what you actually think of me. I don't measure up to you and your intelligent friends, I get it. And instead of listening to me, instead of saying ANYTHING directly to me, you tried to let me know in a comment to kaleen that I couldn't possibly qualify for the position of treasurer because, I guess, us standard level math kids don't know how to add past double digits. And it was up to you to decide that for me. Well I guess I'm done with being the retarded kid of our relationship.

This makes me question everything. It pisses me off and hurts me that now I can't look back at our relationship and see anywhere where we were equals. How you and your boyfriend expect to live together, to stay together for x amount of time, yet whenever I bring that up about me and dylan, you dismiss it. How hl math makes your life so much harder than mine. How you always mothered me, and for some reason, I put up with it. How I'm never invited to anything you do with Caleb and them.

I don't want to lose you as a friend. But I don't know what else to do, because I can't do this to your face without saying something I don't want to. I feel like you walk over me because you don't think I'll walk away from our friendship, but I don't want to be abused.

And maybe some of this is a misunderstanding on my part, but I don't feel like I did anything to you. Were you pissed because I talked to Jillian during art after you got angry and put your headphones in? Was it my agreeing with Mrs. Goodridge on the collage idea? What the hell did I do? Because I just don't understand.



-------------------------


In other news, I'm tired of dumb people on formspring. And I'm sick.

i got a tumblr.

http://temperedfursandspangledboots.tumblr.com

i'm sick
and currently,
really fed
up with people.

and even
more
fed
up
with my
inability
to speak up to those who
are
close to me,
for fear that
they'll become people
who
were
close to
me.

spring awakening

though i haven't slept as much as i'd like to have, this break has been surprisingly relaxing. i had the chance to work with kids at my aunt's preschool from 9a-1p every day except thursday, and i miss it already. i fell in love with each and every one of those kids.

i haven't done as much homework as i should have but i'm going to finish that on the 12-hour car ride tomorrow.

i went shopping and am returning home with a completely new wardrobe (basically), my prom dress, necklace, earrings, shoes, AND purse, and a much more positive self-image than i left evansville with.

tonight is my last family dinner. we leave tomorrow at 8. i'm not ready to leave. me and my mom have been rubbing each other the wrong way, and i don't want to leave with her being fussy with me, especially after having been treated incredibly kindly by my aunt/stand-in mom all week.

i am, however, excited to see dylan. i just wish that karinne and everyone would hang out with us. i don't want to get out of the car just to sit on a couch or at the movies. i want to DO something and see people. i don't know.

i hate the situation i'm in with friends at the moment. obviously, blake and dylan, you two are godsends. but i miss being that girl surrounded by a group of best friends. i miss that community of friends. i don't like getting on facebook to see my friends posing at the zoo on the same stump that we ALL messed around on last year. it upsets me that they've discluded me from that and i don't know what to do. caleb and melissa and kaleen and everyone are great, but they're not my best friends. they're better friends with eachother and with blake that a lot of the times, i feel like i should just not eat with them. that's silly, of course...i appreciate their friendship. i just want my boyfriend at my school to eat with and a network of friends to come home to.

what the hell, this was a cheery post.

moving on, i got into pratt's summer program into my first choice elective, which is art and design discovery. now to wait and see if i got the merit scholarship. please, god, let me have gotten it. i can't afford a $4500 summer program. regardless, my family is saving every penny--packing lunch, not eating out, shopping at cheaper stores, etc--in order for me to go, which makes me happy.

i'll write more later on this...i'm terribly excited to write it all down, but it's dinner time.

peace, love.

i hate being on my period.

it makes me want to kill the world.

spring break

so far, this spring break had been exhausting. all of friday, i got ready for my trip. the two seconds of free time i had were spent driving to and from the mall, in order to see dylan for the last time. and then we left. we drove from 5pm until 1am, crashing at a quality inn with outside doors located all of 12 feet from a railroad junction that transported oil for all of the major names. the engineers blew their horns EVERY time they passed the hotel. with every 10 minutes that passed, so did 3 screaming trains. joy. the next day we woke up at 7 (!) and were on the road by 8. we drove, with gitsy whining and crying the whole way, until 8 at night, stopping every few hours to let gitsy out of her cage or to look for prom dresses. we got pizza from the mellow mushroom, went shopping at whole foods, got cookies and chai from the mad hatter, and went to my grandma's. i ended up going to bed around midnight at my aunt's.

this morning, i got up at 9 to get to church by 11, and then grocery shopped and helped transport people from grandma's to my aunt's until about 5:30, not really sitting down at all for 5 hours. now people are cooking and doing homework and putting groceries away, and all i want to do is sleep. my mom's not making food i can eat, anyways. and i have that dumb bio lab to do still.

when does spring break become a break?

it's been a while.

since i last blogged, lots of big things have happened:

i've begun (began?) eating poultry again. it's not like i enjoy it, but it is a world easier than i thought it would be. i guess i was just so scared to lose the label of "vegetarian."

i mailed my portfolio off to pratt, and i'm dying to get my results back. the anticipation is killing me. in order for new york to happen, i've been saving literally every penny i find in a snapple jar, and i think i already have over $30 in the first week. the real things draining my resources are food and gas, which (unfortunately) i have to deal with. i haven't bought any food since friday, though, so i'm getting there.

i finished my world lit 2 paper. truly, i could have done much better, but i've just been so stressed recently that english and math, my easy subjects, have been put on the back burner so my grades in those areas are suffering.

recently, my physical self esteem has been really high, following a pretty bad low. i ballooned up in my weight, especially in my face, overnight and stayed that way for about three days. luckily it was all water weight, and i dropped it all and more the next day. that has been helping me get through all of this stress, not worrying as much about my weight. not only that, but i've started working out more and i feel really great.

my nanny tried to commit suicide. right now i really don't know what to think. she's probably one of the most beautiful people i know...she has my favorite color of skin in people, the kind that looks like a latte and is freckled and perfectly smooth. and her hair is literally silver. she amazes me, and it makes me so sad that she can't see that her daughter, her husband, her grandchildren, her "granbabies," and she calls jaime, chantel, carmine, jackson, and i--the children she nannied from birth to elementary school--and our parents love her so much. it's really made me question a lot of things in my life recently.

though my thyroid has still been screwed, i've found some peace with it. i sleep when i need to, and let my homework go unfinished. i know when to eat so that i don't wake up feeling as if my stomach is eating itself. and, best of all, i know how to keep it from hurting my emotions. for the longest time, i remember not being able to feel the butterflies and the warmth that having dylan gave me for the depression. but i've been handling it really well, even without medicine for the past week, so i'm proud of myself.

the weather has finally transitioned into the almost-springtime sun, and i can smell summer around the corner. i forgot how happy sunshine makes me.

i'm leaving friday night for north carolina, just with momma and gitsy. i'm so UNBELIEVABLY excited.

that's all for now, sorry it's so long.

over overthinking

ive recently been reintroduced to the frailty of human composure;
thank god, i didnt find it in self-reflection.

right now i am strong. today was a plasticky antique smell, positive self-image, the warmth from the sun, too-sweet green tea, and being alone without being lonely (even if i longed for company).

i like that feeling.
i need summer to be here.
for musicals, art shows, SATs, portfolio due dates, world lit papers, european history projects, AP tests, finals, and stressss just to be done until next august.
i need a break.