Journaling

For my community based practices class on Wednesdays, we're required to journal every morning for the first fifteen minutes. So far I've just been writing in my notebook, scribbling things down for the first five to ten minutes and then staring at the wall for the last five, maybe sketching if I feel up to it. Some way or another, all of my journal pages end up lost or doodled all over, so I decided that from now on, I'll use Wednesday mornings to update my blog. Here goes!

This week, the sun has returned to Chicago. After three weeks of freezing (okay, fifty degree) weather, walking outside allows you to feel the warmth of the sun on your back, and, being too bleary-eyed to bike a half-mile to my farthest class after a cruel 7 am fire drill (especially cruel because I had gone to bed at 6), I took the train in the morning and walked the city the rest of my day. Biking in a big city means no music; it takes too much concentration from the real feat at hand, facing taxis and buses and darting through pedestrians. So yesterday I enjoyed the city with the sun on my back to the Decemberists. Most of the time in the dorm, Sarah and I share the quiet. Things get too hectic between our tastes in music (hers: Christian ballads, Korean acoustic, and Copeland (which is nice, but not on constant repeat), and mine: well, you guys know best) so most of the time and music is quiet, hummed to ourselves at our desks or played softly at night. Yesterday I turned the volume all the way up and bounced from class to class. It was lovely.

Today I have class from nine to four, and then I'm going to bike down to the grocery store (I never realized how much food, even when you buy it at the grocery store and make it yourself, takes from your checking account. Week by week, I'm always confused as to where my money is going. The answer is always groceries.) I suppose I'll start packing my clothes for the weekend, and finish my cleaning duties for the week. I really should start my core class homework, but I'm telling you: I hate that class. I thought I was going to like it, but I am not a filmmaker. I'm not an animation artist. I don't do audio tracks. I don't like it. Luckily I switch teachers halfway through the class, but still.

Anyways, journal time is over.

my roommate broke two of my drinking glasses from ikea

and didn't even tell me. she just left the glass on the counter for me to find. who does that?
and unfortunately enough, a cup from each set broke, so now both of my glass sets are short a cup.


i just


ugh

missing

i'm so ready to go home this weekend. i'm actually skipping out of the last half hour of my friday class to hop a train and come home. i can't wait. especially because i'm sick as shit, i'm not having the greatest time walking/biking anywhere i need to go. it'll be nice to sleep in my own bed, to drive, to just relax and not worry about school. and of course i get to see my family and gitsy for the first time since august, which will be absolutely lovely. so will be having time to hang out with blake and dylan without the pressure of a schedule. plus, i'm taking my summer clothes home (it's constantly freezing here now) and things like books and trinkets i brought & no longer have the time or space for in my life.

it feels good to know that there are people excited that i'm going home.
it's nice to go back.

back to blogging

i'm really trying to get on here more often. i've bookmarked it on safari in hopes that i'll be reminded more often to get on here. i need it. not only do i need to write down how i'm feeling, keep a log of my college experiences, but i feel like this gives me another tie to blake, and how things used to be.


...
i started this last night and never finished, so i'll finish now.
i'm in my core class, waiting for my teacher to come back.
i've been at health services all morning; they thought i had strep, but the test came back negative.

i worked on a video all night for this class, and it turned out much better than i had expected, so i hope i still get the opportunity to show it to my classmates. i'm really proud of it. at first, i felt like i didn't belong here; everyone else is so much more creative and high-fucntioning that i felt out of place in the art/academics side of it all. but exploring things such as audio and video makes me realize that i have a creative edge to things i didn't know about before. (i've started an art blog and i'll link it to here so it all flows together)

anyways. class is starting so im gonna go

nineteen

today was my birthday.

it brought new things, opened new doors in my life and in my relationship.
dylan and i skirted around boundaries for so long that i didn't have room even to be nervous (okay, maybe for the first 10 minutes).
it happened, and it wasn't a big deal at all.
things are new, and yet the same as they ever were.

a welcome surprise, dylan decided to stay the night at my dorm, and right now he's doing the dishes from the birthday party i threw for myself (mostly a vehicle for dispensing the large amounts of cake i acquired today and further pushing off the homework i've been dreading doing since thursday night) and making us some omelettes. i should be doing homework.

my mom bought me a kindle, and i was lucky enough to receive not only one, but two electric mixers! (one of them will be traded in for accessories in the coming week, haha)

the past weekend was lovely--i spent it with blake at a world music festival i spent my high school days anticipating, and got to meet the people who are lucky enough to see my best friend's face every day.

anyways
life is good
and i have some freud to be reading

Chicago, I love you, but you're bringing me down

I love it here but things are hard right now.
I'm belligerent for no reason.
bitchy. picky. hungry.
I'm not sleeping anymore.
I have headaches all the time.

I don't have a job and my savings are dipping below $1000.
my dorm is out of toilet paper.

it's stuff like this that's driving me over the edge.
that, and the fact that I push everyone away
either that or neglect them.

I noticed it first on Friday, at te derby bout
sitting next to this girl who practically drools over me
(I was excited to meet her, too, after Facebook)
and I was just pissed.
seriously pissed. I wanted to smack her
across the face
every time she opened her mouth.

she didn't do anything
neither did dylan
and yet I'm being a bitch


I don't know what I'm doing to myself

i understand that we're both tired

and that I called at 11:45, but it would be nice to get to talk to you on the phone for more than ten minutes at a time, especially when it's been several days since ive seen you and it will be several more until i'll get to see you again. even if we dont say anything. half the time when we're together, we don't have to say anything; why should that change over the phone? this isn't meant to be shitty at all and I don't want you to see this later and be confused as to why I didn't say anything tonight. it was because you were sp happy when you hung up and i didnt want to ruin your night. I just need to put this here. I need you, and I miss you. and I want to be on the phone with you, even if we don't talk for a few minutes in between. I was so excited to talk to you and now I just feel lonely.