the title has needed to be changed for a while now, probably about a year or so when I outgrew my no one-will-ever-love-me phase. I am not lonely. I am a loner by nature, and although having been in a relationship for the past two and a half years has made this newfound aloneness feel isolating and lonely, it isn't. i'm actually looking forward to spending more time by myself, getting to know who i am. living in chicago has changed me and i've barely noticed because i've been so wrapped up in dylan and a life i left back in southern indiana.
when i went back to visit my mom, i went to school with her. i was very anxious to see one of the male kindergarten teachers who works at west terrace; a teddy bear-like man of native american descent, he walks with a peace and knowledge about life that i admire. (before i left for chicago, i spent one of my last nights in the west terrace office. any time anyone came in and asked me about college, my mom would burst into tears. when he came in it was the same, and i told my mom not to cry. he said "don't say that; telling her not to cry takes away her right to having that emotion. let her cry.") upon seeing him in the hallway he took one look at me, turned to my mom and said, "she looks like a city girl. even the way she holds herself is different. she belongs there."
so here is to discovering what it is to be alone (as in single and geographically isolated, of course... don't think for a minute that i've forgotten the countless people in dorm rooms across the country and back home in evansville to whom my heart will always be tied) and not for a moment be lonely.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
on being on a break & waiting for a break
there are five days left until winter break, and it has been about the same amount of time since dylan and i decided to go on an indefinite break in our relationship. that being said, going home is more than going to dylan; going home means endless ihop dates with my gay bitches (haha), snuggling with gitsy and drinking green tea in the brown chair on cold nights, starbucks and long drives with blake, driving along to music, earning a paycheck, being with family. i am still excited to be home.
that isn't saying that dylan's recent visit here was horrid; we talked a lot, had tea in the bath and watched movies like normal. we enjoyed the weekend, knowing it might be the last. there were, and still are, moments so bittersweet that i'm left reeling, trying to determine at all what i'm feeling and if it can even be classified as an unambiguous emotion. today is the first day since he has been gone, but things aren't hard yet. like i told him to do, i'm finding personal victories in the small things: my humanities teacher gave me full marks on my final papers and left a note telling me how "gifted and thoughtful" of a student I am and jumped at the chance to write me a letter of recommendation for an RA position next year, i bound my own book last night for class and i'm incredibly proud of it, my friends ate my cupcakes stale and still told me that they loved them, pretty much everyone on my floor helped me with materials last-minute so i could bind my book (eric with a staplegun, dan with black paper, meredith with needle and thread, katie with direction) willingly and lovingly, which was one of the first times i felt like i were among real friends and not just neighbors in a foreign place.
little things like this are helping. and being alone isn't necessarily hard--i have so much to do this week, i'm hoping that it will breeze by and I can spend a lovely weekend with my dad before going home. I have to bake cupcakes, finish my poster, clean the dorm (so katie can move in tomorrow!), and edit my video for core, all tonight. past that, i just have to print my poster & fix my ad for thursday night, and edit two videos by friday for core. then i'll be completely finished with my first semester of college <3
that isn't saying that dylan's recent visit here was horrid; we talked a lot, had tea in the bath and watched movies like normal. we enjoyed the weekend, knowing it might be the last. there were, and still are, moments so bittersweet that i'm left reeling, trying to determine at all what i'm feeling and if it can even be classified as an unambiguous emotion. today is the first day since he has been gone, but things aren't hard yet. like i told him to do, i'm finding personal victories in the small things: my humanities teacher gave me full marks on my final papers and left a note telling me how "gifted and thoughtful" of a student I am and jumped at the chance to write me a letter of recommendation for an RA position next year, i bound my own book last night for class and i'm incredibly proud of it, my friends ate my cupcakes stale and still told me that they loved them, pretty much everyone on my floor helped me with materials last-minute so i could bind my book (eric with a staplegun, dan with black paper, meredith with needle and thread, katie with direction) willingly and lovingly, which was one of the first times i felt like i were among real friends and not just neighbors in a foreign place.
little things like this are helping. and being alone isn't necessarily hard--i have so much to do this week, i'm hoping that it will breeze by and I can spend a lovely weekend with my dad before going home. I have to bake cupcakes, finish my poster, clean the dorm (so katie can move in tomorrow!), and edit my video for core, all tonight. past that, i just have to print my poster & fix my ad for thursday night, and edit two videos by friday for core. then i'll be completely finished with my first semester of college <3
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
back in the windy city
which, even though it's called the windy city because of how much the politicians historically ran their mouths, is incredibly windy. to the point where I had to stop biking up the hill to the art institute and walk my bike to the other side. pathetic!
it's weird being back in the city; it's as though i hold two completely separate lives in two very different places. being back home made me feel as though chicago were a dream, and being back in chicago makes me feel as though home were one. i went directly back into working at solaris in evansville; it was nice, but my break felt like more of a reality check than anything. being back is weird. it's nice to see everyone, though...everyone is sporting the awkwardly short haircuts of college kids whose parents paid for a haircut while they were home. my friends have been warm, and especially after having been gone for over a week, that was nice.
i have 19 more days here, one of which will be spent at a concert with my dad and several others that I will spend doing pretty much nothing (thank god for crit week--half of my classes are cancelled next week, and I'll have hardly any homework!)it should be very easy, once I get past the three papers I have to write about the interior space of the mind and the 8-page art history research paper due on tuesday. I have until tomorrow night to pull together my poster for viscom and my ad for illustration tech, which should be easy. friday is nerve-wracking because it's my performance day at my teacher's gallery, but hopefully all will be well.
hmm
guess that's it!
it's weird being back in the city; it's as though i hold two completely separate lives in two very different places. being back home made me feel as though chicago were a dream, and being back in chicago makes me feel as though home were one. i went directly back into working at solaris in evansville; it was nice, but my break felt like more of a reality check than anything. being back is weird. it's nice to see everyone, though...everyone is sporting the awkwardly short haircuts of college kids whose parents paid for a haircut while they were home. my friends have been warm, and especially after having been gone for over a week, that was nice.
i have 19 more days here, one of which will be spent at a concert with my dad and several others that I will spend doing pretty much nothing (thank god for crit week--half of my classes are cancelled next week, and I'll have hardly any homework!)it should be very easy, once I get past the three papers I have to write about the interior space of the mind and the 8-page art history research paper due on tuesday. I have until tomorrow night to pull together my poster for viscom and my ad for illustration tech, which should be easy. friday is nerve-wracking because it's my performance day at my teacher's gallery, but hopefully all will be well.
hmm
guess that's it!
Sunday, November 20, 2011
I just had sex in a car for the first time
and it was absolute tops
dylan and I are past the honeymoon phase after having sex for the first time when everything is about sex all the time, but not so far out of it as to lose the experience of learning something new about each other when we do.
plus it had been almost three weeks, but it felt like it had been forever.
just wanted to put it out there somewhere, and this is the only real safe place.
back home and it's good; Dylan's family heckled me into coming over for thanksgiving and dylan is coming to my house as well (I think) which will be a great new thing. coming home after being at college is lovely. I get the comforts of home with almost all the same freedoms as I have at college (or at least the ones I want--most I don't need because I have family and gitsy and dylan, and soon I will have blake!)
anyways
3 days until I get to see my best friend again!! <3
dylan and I are past the honeymoon phase after having sex for the first time when everything is about sex all the time, but not so far out of it as to lose the experience of learning something new about each other when we do.
plus it had been almost three weeks, but it felt like it had been forever.
just wanted to put it out there somewhere, and this is the only real safe place.
back home and it's good; Dylan's family heckled me into coming over for thanksgiving and dylan is coming to my house as well (I think) which will be a great new thing. coming home after being at college is lovely. I get the comforts of home with almost all the same freedoms as I have at college (or at least the ones I want--most I don't need because I have family and gitsy and dylan, and soon I will have blake!)
anyways
3 days until I get to see my best friend again!! <3
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
the mania sets in
i just watched the last glee episode (the first time--all about romance and sex and budding love) and earlier, in the common room, saw a preview for a movie about a long-distance relationship and had to keep myself from crying both times.
it's stupid, so so stupid, but my missing dylan is like a wound, ready to peek out from behind its bandaid and bleed profusely at any given moment. i just want him here
it's stupid, so so stupid, but my missing dylan is like a wound, ready to peek out from behind its bandaid and bleed profusely at any given moment. i just want him here
i love my wednesday class because we journal every morning,
and journaling lets me keep up with blake and center myself all at the same time. I feel like I don't journal enough..too much blogging. I don't write enough of the personal things down in a place where i wont be embarrassed by them later and rip the pages out or delete the post.
so i will talk about things that matter.
i miss home right now. i love the city, and i'm pushing myself to a schedule so i don't get hopeless to the point of apathy again (which always seems to happen on tuesday nights, after a 12+ hour day after an all-nighter because i put off my homework for way too long.
but i miss home.
i miss coffee with blake. (i miss being able to catch up in person, to sit in one of our cars and laugh and cry and not care about anything else. i miss being able to share my life with someone. it's been lonely, in that matter. I have friends, but not the kind of friends who actually want to hear the things I need to say to someone.)
i miss dylan. (i miss the carefree-ness, of sharing everything. what i would give right now to be in bed with him, half-naked, just watching a movie. or sitting in the bathtub watching him shower while my conditioner sets. i know these moments were real, but the stark removal of dylan in everything makes me think i made them up sometimes.)
i miss my mom. i haven't been in contact with her much, and i miss her. i have a package waiting for me at the dorm from her, and i can't wait to get out of class so i can open it. i miss my mom and my family a lot.
but i'm busying myself; i'm committing to working out, to eating more healthy, to being better overall.
and it's making things better.
so i will talk about things that matter.
i miss home right now. i love the city, and i'm pushing myself to a schedule so i don't get hopeless to the point of apathy again (which always seems to happen on tuesday nights, after a 12+ hour day after an all-nighter because i put off my homework for way too long.
but i miss home.
i miss coffee with blake. (i miss being able to catch up in person, to sit in one of our cars and laugh and cry and not care about anything else. i miss being able to share my life with someone. it's been lonely, in that matter. I have friends, but not the kind of friends who actually want to hear the things I need to say to someone.)
i miss dylan. (i miss the carefree-ness, of sharing everything. what i would give right now to be in bed with him, half-naked, just watching a movie. or sitting in the bathtub watching him shower while my conditioner sets. i know these moments were real, but the stark removal of dylan in everything makes me think i made them up sometimes.)
i miss my mom. i haven't been in contact with her much, and i miss her. i have a package waiting for me at the dorm from her, and i can't wait to get out of class so i can open it. i miss my mom and my family a lot.
but i'm busying myself; i'm committing to working out, to eating more healthy, to being better overall.
and it's making things better.
Monday, November 7, 2011
in this moment, i am happy
because dylan is here
because i am in love
because my dorm smells like irish spring and apricots; like dylan
because i have my tattoo
(because said tattoo didn't & doesn't hurt at all)
because my fridge is stocked
because my fan is fixed
because nearly all of my homework is complete
because i got new plugs for $2 yesterday
because tomorrow is monday
because i have no classes on monday
because dylan is asleep next to me with a smile on his face
because i am wearing his shirt
because i love my classes
because macy's has their giant christmas decorations up all down the block
because judgement has left my life
because i have never felt closer to anyone as the boy next to me
because my new roommate moves in in two weeks
because my new roommate is actually a cool person who thinks for some reason that i am a cool person
because next thursday i will see morrissey live in concert
because things are getting easier
because i am living in a community of people who appreciate what i do
because things are not normal with dylan here
because it's good to break the routine every few weeks
because things will return to normal when dylan leaves
because daylight savings time means it's only 3am, not 4
because my job as an art student is to self-actualize
because i will have a job that gives me money when i get back home
because i love my job at solaris
because i will be home in 17 days
because people turn to me when they need help
because i am becoming a better person
because i am being healthy
because i love to ride my bike, and it's still warm enough
because i feel big things coming
because i'm making myself be open to the good things in the world, and i didn't for too long of a time in my life
because i am in love
because my dorm smells like irish spring and apricots; like dylan
because i have my tattoo
(because said tattoo didn't & doesn't hurt at all)
because my fridge is stocked
because my fan is fixed
because nearly all of my homework is complete
because i got new plugs for $2 yesterday
because tomorrow is monday
because i have no classes on monday
because dylan is asleep next to me with a smile on his face
because i am wearing his shirt
because i love my classes
because macy's has their giant christmas decorations up all down the block
because judgement has left my life
because i have never felt closer to anyone as the boy next to me
because my new roommate moves in in two weeks
because my new roommate is actually a cool person who thinks for some reason that i am a cool person
because next thursday i will see morrissey live in concert
because things are getting easier
because i am living in a community of people who appreciate what i do
because things are not normal with dylan here
because it's good to break the routine every few weeks
because things will return to normal when dylan leaves
because daylight savings time means it's only 3am, not 4
because my job as an art student is to self-actualize
because i will have a job that gives me money when i get back home
because i love my job at solaris
because i will be home in 17 days
because people turn to me when they need help
because i am becoming a better person
because i am being healthy
because i love to ride my bike, and it's still warm enough
because i feel big things coming
because i'm making myself be open to the good things in the world, and i didn't for too long of a time in my life
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