(those 5 pageviews were from me, haha!)
and glad to be back on here myself. i actually sat down to draft a post between my 9-12 and 6-9 classes today but got caught up with other things (gitsy & i went for a walk and she jumped into several puddles of mud, so i had to give her a bath which is always hellish).
anyways! yesterday i got a weird chat invite from my ex on a new email account, and i messaged him despite not really wanting to. i made a promise to him that the lines of communication would always be open on my end if he needed anything, because i don't see myself as the type of person who could completely turn her back on someone--even after having gone through so much because of them. so i messaged him and he messaged back, and i didn't get that weird heart-racing feeling (the goodbad kind, like when you get an anonymous message and wonder if it's going to be friendly or make you cry), and i'm really proud of myself. especially after not having seen or talked to him in over 4 months. so all is good there.
school is good in that i have less of a workload, but i've been thinking seriously that i might have seasonal affective disorder (funny you mentioned it too, b). it's like no matter what i have to do, all i want to do is sit in the shower or sleep. i constantly fall asleep on the trains. all i want to eat is sweet things and bread. sometimes i literally have to choke back tears when i look at the forecast and realize i have to wear my coat and scarf and gloves just to walk to the station. i've gained at least 10 lbs. and that's all incredibly frustrating to me, which makes it worse. i feel like i'm just empty. i miss the sun and warmth and not having to wear a gigantic coat.
but not to complain
i'm doing a lot of work, and therefore making a lot of money. like having enough money for NEXT rent even though my rent check has come out. and that's awesome. i'm getting to spend money on things i've wanted for a while, and i'm really happy about that. school is easier than it's been in a while, and i think i'm finally winning over my type teacher.
ugh
i have so much more to say but a lot of work to do tonight
so i'll finish this later!
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
new year
today begins a new year and, while I have goals and resolutions for myself, I will not be working on a "new me" in 2013; I have found myself more mature and stable on my own two feet than I could have ever imagined I would be at 20, and I've accepted that I am human and that I am allowed to make mistakes, break down from time to time, take a few days off when I need. I have accepted myself and can see for the most part my shortcomings and areas for growth.
I think the paradigm shift this year was realizing that there aren't rules for living; I had set so many boundaries and restrictions for and upon myself, and I realized this year that those weren't necessary and were, I'm some cases, extremely detrimental to my personal growth (and my sanity).This year I have overcome both love and hatred that were doing me no good, and it has been really hard. I hate to think of myself in that context of being not whole, or broken up about someone who hurt me so much, but also of being hung up with hatred for that same person who helped me open the door to who I am now.
I am more open than I ever used to be, more self aware (in good and bad ways I guess) and more appreciative of the things I am fortunate to have: a loving family that does its best to support me in every way possible, a best friend who really gets me, a solid handful of good friends in Chicago and throughout the Midwest, financial backing to do what I love, an the opportunity to live in the third largest city in the US and attend the nations's #2 ranked college for art and design. I am seriously talking to a lovely guy named Zacharias who is worldly aware and sweet and kind, and I like him a lot.
In the past year, I have moved to Chicago with Gitsy, gotten into the Viscom department at SAIC, been to bonnaroo, found a new favorite movie, gotten drunk with my best friend, gone on a road trip with my mom, gotten 2 tattoos, and made a lot of art that I love. all in all, 2012 was hard but wonderful, and I hope that 2013 brings good vibes and lots of new beautiful experiences into my life.
I think the paradigm shift this year was realizing that there aren't rules for living; I had set so many boundaries and restrictions for and upon myself, and I realized this year that those weren't necessary and were, I'm some cases, extremely detrimental to my personal growth (and my sanity).This year I have overcome both love and hatred that were doing me no good, and it has been really hard. I hate to think of myself in that context of being not whole, or broken up about someone who hurt me so much, but also of being hung up with hatred for that same person who helped me open the door to who I am now.
I am more open than I ever used to be, more self aware (in good and bad ways I guess) and more appreciative of the things I am fortunate to have: a loving family that does its best to support me in every way possible, a best friend who really gets me, a solid handful of good friends in Chicago and throughout the Midwest, financial backing to do what I love, an the opportunity to live in the third largest city in the US and attend the nations's #2 ranked college for art and design. I am seriously talking to a lovely guy named Zacharias who is worldly aware and sweet and kind, and I like him a lot.
In the past year, I have moved to Chicago with Gitsy, gotten into the Viscom department at SAIC, been to bonnaroo, found a new favorite movie, gotten drunk with my best friend, gone on a road trip with my mom, gotten 2 tattoos, and made a lot of art that I love. all in all, 2012 was hard but wonderful, and I hope that 2013 brings good vibes and lots of new beautiful experiences into my life.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
this is going to be a ride so just hold on (evansville, for the last extended period of time)
back in evansville, back to work, back to memories.
i was reading a post on tumblr about how some famous actor i like (i cant remember who) was saying that men are more romantic than women, that when a man wants to marry someone, he's dead serious about it and commits and she becomes everything whereas women are always looking for what's good enough in order to make a decision to settle, like "oh he's got a good job" or something, and i had one of those mini stab-in-the-gut moments when i felt like i fucked up everything i had with my ex, because what we had was real (at least it was on my end, and i feel like it was on his for the most part) and i broke it off because he was dicking around with his band and blah blah blah and whatever.
but then i stopped myself, and i thought:
1. that's stereotypical bullshit, because while women (in my experience) think this way more than men, i know a lot of men who aren't romantic and do the same thing
2. i didn't break up with my ex because he didn't have a good job or go to college (even though he didn't & doesn't), i broke up with him because when you love someone you don't forbid them from doing things that make sense in their heart, you don't tell them they disgust you for making choices you don't approve of, you make an effort to be there for them when they need you instead of blowing them off/somehow fucking up their important memories, and you sure as hell don't get pissed at them for telling your family when you're about to shoot yourself in the head
3. women are genetically trained to look for the best mate to raise their children whereas men aren't built the same way
i just needed to write all this down. because even though i really am over him finally, every time i come home i think it's inevitable that i'm going to think about my ex. because i think about my adolescence and how this place shaped who i am, my friends and enemies and all the shit i went through. the streets i drove and walked every day, and he was a huge part of that for almost three years.
maybe it's because i'm a libra and i am ruled by venus (love), or because no matter how hard you try you can never forget your first love, or because it really was real. maybe because i'm just not the type of person who lets go easily, and i never wanted to let him go but i had to in order to be who i'm supposed to be.
i am talking to a new guy, a sweet guy who i think has really great potential to stay in my life for a while, and i'm very happy to say that. because at first i was scared to not be alone anymore. but he is sweet and not judgmental and i want to know more about him, which is a new thing for me. and it is awkward and things will take getting used to, but that is what's so beautiful about it all.
learning to not be alone again is challenging, but it's the good kind of challenging and i like it.
(by the way, when someone comes up with a way to record thoughts, i will give an arm and a leg to have it. it seems the theme of my thoughts to writing process is to forget everything that had inspired me to write. it seems that i never have a pen/can't write or stay awake long enough when i'm drunk or exhausted or in the shower or driving home at night and these thoughts play on a loop in my head, and it's starting to get incredibly upsetting)
i was reading a post on tumblr about how some famous actor i like (i cant remember who) was saying that men are more romantic than women, that when a man wants to marry someone, he's dead serious about it and commits and she becomes everything whereas women are always looking for what's good enough in order to make a decision to settle, like "oh he's got a good job" or something, and i had one of those mini stab-in-the-gut moments when i felt like i fucked up everything i had with my ex, because what we had was real (at least it was on my end, and i feel like it was on his for the most part) and i broke it off because he was dicking around with his band and blah blah blah and whatever.
but then i stopped myself, and i thought:
1. that's stereotypical bullshit, because while women (in my experience) think this way more than men, i know a lot of men who aren't romantic and do the same thing
2. i didn't break up with my ex because he didn't have a good job or go to college (even though he didn't & doesn't), i broke up with him because when you love someone you don't forbid them from doing things that make sense in their heart, you don't tell them they disgust you for making choices you don't approve of, you make an effort to be there for them when they need you instead of blowing them off/somehow fucking up their important memories, and you sure as hell don't get pissed at them for telling your family when you're about to shoot yourself in the head
3. women are genetically trained to look for the best mate to raise their children whereas men aren't built the same way
i just needed to write all this down. because even though i really am over him finally, every time i come home i think it's inevitable that i'm going to think about my ex. because i think about my adolescence and how this place shaped who i am, my friends and enemies and all the shit i went through. the streets i drove and walked every day, and he was a huge part of that for almost three years.
maybe it's because i'm a libra and i am ruled by venus (love), or because no matter how hard you try you can never forget your first love, or because it really was real. maybe because i'm just not the type of person who lets go easily, and i never wanted to let him go but i had to in order to be who i'm supposed to be.
i am talking to a new guy, a sweet guy who i think has really great potential to stay in my life for a while, and i'm very happy to say that. because at first i was scared to not be alone anymore. but he is sweet and not judgmental and i want to know more about him, which is a new thing for me. and it is awkward and things will take getting used to, but that is what's so beautiful about it all.
learning to not be alone again is challenging, but it's the good kind of challenging and i like it.
(by the way, when someone comes up with a way to record thoughts, i will give an arm and a leg to have it. it seems the theme of my thoughts to writing process is to forget everything that had inspired me to write. it seems that i never have a pen/can't write or stay awake long enough when i'm drunk or exhausted or in the shower or driving home at night and these thoughts play on a loop in my head, and it's starting to get incredibly upsetting)
Friday, December 7, 2012
fuck everything
im tired and have way too much work to do and everything in my life is creating stress for me
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Friday, November 16, 2012
remembering the namesake of this blog
She makes a lot of abstract art
She haggles for the cheapest price
She never orders take out food before ten o'clock at night
She's really into snowmobiles
She owns a lot of nice flashlights
She cares for all the stupid cats that never found their way home
She shaves her legs with Ginsu knives
She quotes a lot of Annie Hall
She misplaced her virginity back in 1995
She's what's keeping me alive
She's the pizza of my eye
Without her near me I would not survive
It gets cold when she's not around
I float until I sink and I'm swallowed up
It's so cold when she's not around
I wait for her to come home and tell me I'll be fine
She's always eating Captain Crunch
She sings a lot of Ben Folds Five
She's scared to death of cobra snakes
Just like Indiana Jones
She tells the dumbest knock-knock jokes
She drinks a lot of Chardonnay
She hates the way I comb my hair
But she married me last June
She was the bride, I was the groom
I cried a lot and then we spooned
Without her in my life I would be doomed
It gets cold when she's not around
I float until I sink and I'm swallowed up
It's so cold when she's not around
I wait for her to come home and tell me I'll be fine
Tell me I'll be fine
She loves the smell of Christmas trees
She sneezes when she sees bright lights
She fainted on the kitchen floor
When her father passed away
Our baby girl is due this May
And when the little lady grows up
I hope that she will be just like her mother
She haggles for the cheapest price
She never orders take out food before ten o'clock at night
She's really into snowmobiles
She owns a lot of nice flashlights
She cares for all the stupid cats that never found their way home
She shaves her legs with Ginsu knives
She quotes a lot of Annie Hall
She misplaced her virginity back in 1995
She's what's keeping me alive
She's the pizza of my eye
Without her near me I would not survive
It gets cold when she's not around
I float until I sink and I'm swallowed up
It's so cold when she's not around
I wait for her to come home and tell me I'll be fine
She's always eating Captain Crunch
She sings a lot of Ben Folds Five
She's scared to death of cobra snakes
Just like Indiana Jones
She tells the dumbest knock-knock jokes
She drinks a lot of Chardonnay
She hates the way I comb my hair
But she married me last June
She was the bride, I was the groom
I cried a lot and then we spooned
Without her in my life I would be doomed
It gets cold when she's not around
I float until I sink and I'm swallowed up
It's so cold when she's not around
I wait for her to come home and tell me I'll be fine
Tell me I'll be fine
She loves the smell of Christmas trees
She sneezes when she sees bright lights
She fainted on the kitchen floor
When her father passed away
Our baby girl is due this May
And when the little lady grows up
I hope that she will be just like her mother
Sunday, November 11, 2012
blogging for no reason in particular
i'm just happy lately, i guess.
i spent the last few days in a fever-induced blur, literally doing nothing but sleeping and eating crackers. i have tomorrow off school and no classes tuesday and am feeling well enough to sit up at my computer, so tomorrow and tuesday will be spent catching up on work for classes and for amy, as well as catching up on breaking bad (a recent studio background tv favorite.)
things are good. i'm a little strapped for cash, but i've got paychecks in the wings. i've got homework up to my neck, but i'm excited to do most of it (exception: art history critical response paper), as they're all book projects that i'm invested in (a book about my mom's blood clot, a book about daniil kharms' "blue notebook no 15," a book for dustin and ivy about our ihop nights and how they helped save my sanity this summer). i'm happy to be working, happy to have things to occupy me when i don't have work (tj and i are working on some super cool collaborations), happy to have friends like tj and blake, and a roommate who will take care of me when i'm sick and not give me shit for not being able to help clean.
on top of all that, my blog is public again and i feel a little freedom with that. i really don't care to block my ex from my life anymore--i just don't care enough about any of it anymore, and that's freeing. i also deleted a lot of his friends who were still friends with me/following me on social network sites, and i think that will help keep him out of my life. that and the fact that i finally get to return to one of my last remaining communities at home--the salon--and know that he won't be there. my mom told me that everyone was so happy that he was leaving that they had a party without him, and i guess that lifted my spirits a little; i was so worried i was going to come home and everyone would be all about him, but that's not the case. amy came up to chicago last week and sent me lots of love from the salon and reassured me that everyone was as happy as i was that my ex was no longer working there. i think it's good for him, too...maybe he can get back to his band stuff without having to juggle 2 jobs. and hopefully he's still planning on moving out of evansville, i think he'd do much better starting new somewhere. i saw his name the other day and didn't see the cool brown tones i used to associate with his name. it was just a name, its normal colors, no different from any other. that felt really good.
i also deleted my okcupid about a month ago, not disabled, deleted. fully gone. and although i get a little lonely without it, it's good. i told myself that, if i still want it back, i can recreate my account when i move back to chicago at the end of january. but for now it's nice to just be.
anyways, i just felt like writing so i did. nothing super important here. just feeling some good vibes lately and wanted to remember them.
i spent the last few days in a fever-induced blur, literally doing nothing but sleeping and eating crackers. i have tomorrow off school and no classes tuesday and am feeling well enough to sit up at my computer, so tomorrow and tuesday will be spent catching up on work for classes and for amy, as well as catching up on breaking bad (a recent studio background tv favorite.)
things are good. i'm a little strapped for cash, but i've got paychecks in the wings. i've got homework up to my neck, but i'm excited to do most of it (exception: art history critical response paper), as they're all book projects that i'm invested in (a book about my mom's blood clot, a book about daniil kharms' "blue notebook no 15," a book for dustin and ivy about our ihop nights and how they helped save my sanity this summer). i'm happy to be working, happy to have things to occupy me when i don't have work (tj and i are working on some super cool collaborations), happy to have friends like tj and blake, and a roommate who will take care of me when i'm sick and not give me shit for not being able to help clean.
on top of all that, my blog is public again and i feel a little freedom with that. i really don't care to block my ex from my life anymore--i just don't care enough about any of it anymore, and that's freeing. i also deleted a lot of his friends who were still friends with me/following me on social network sites, and i think that will help keep him out of my life. that and the fact that i finally get to return to one of my last remaining communities at home--the salon--and know that he won't be there. my mom told me that everyone was so happy that he was leaving that they had a party without him, and i guess that lifted my spirits a little; i was so worried i was going to come home and everyone would be all about him, but that's not the case. amy came up to chicago last week and sent me lots of love from the salon and reassured me that everyone was as happy as i was that my ex was no longer working there. i think it's good for him, too...maybe he can get back to his band stuff without having to juggle 2 jobs. and hopefully he's still planning on moving out of evansville, i think he'd do much better starting new somewhere. i saw his name the other day and didn't see the cool brown tones i used to associate with his name. it was just a name, its normal colors, no different from any other. that felt really good.
i also deleted my okcupid about a month ago, not disabled, deleted. fully gone. and although i get a little lonely without it, it's good. i told myself that, if i still want it back, i can recreate my account when i move back to chicago at the end of january. but for now it's nice to just be.
anyways, i just felt like writing so i did. nothing super important here. just feeling some good vibes lately and wanted to remember them.
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