tonight i go to bed

not one bit ashamed, with a determined outlook.




i feel so real right now, so human.
like i'm tied to this body for the first tim in a long time

tomorrow,

i'm going to tidy up my room a bit,
clean out my trunk/find/buy/make a bike rack,
blow up my tires,
and drag my ass to the state hospital.



i want to ride my bike.




that is, if i get up before two in the afternoon...

tonight was fucked up.

that's about it. i just needed to post this somewhere my mom cant read. good night.

this blog is NOT meant to be a downer.

[click on pictures to see full size]

i am a people watcher. i always have been. and that doesnt stop when i get on the internet. i was looking at these people. adorable couple, right? the thing is, theyre real people; i know the guy. normal stuff for some people, but not for me. i only know one person who has had as little experience with this kind of thing as i have.

to me, these pictures are like those that hang in museums--pieces of artwork that are completely out of reach to an amateur like myself. once again, this isnt supposed to be depressing or helpless. i've just realized that i hang out with the exact same people all the time. i need to meet new people for something like this to happen; every time i've had feelings for a boy, he has been someone who i have never really talked to or hung out with before. i need to do something about this. i tell myself every summer that i'm going to find someone who isnt someone who pushes their religion on me or plays dungeons and dragons or imitates his favorite singer or wears little pink polos, but i always end up doing the same thing, meeting no one.

on sunday, my papaw asked me in front of my 15-year-old cousin's 17-year-old boyfriend if i had met any guys during my time in north carolina. i had nothing to say except that this creeper had been following me around during my other cousin's graduation.

i attract freaks. thats what i've decided. and i'm not planning on doing one damn thing about it because it's. not. my. fault. that is my solution.



in other news, i've decided that if i cant make it in san francisco i'm going to move to taos, new mexico. people there build their "earthships" out of recycled cans, bottles, tires, dirt, grass, and water. they look SO amazing, and they are completely self-sufficient, using solar heat panels for utilities and filtering rainwater for usage in the restroom and the kitchen. there's climate control with opeing/closing ceiling bits. a lot of the places even cultivate their own organic foods--this seems like an ideal life style to me. and if i dont want to move to new mexico, i'll build one wherever i want to live. google some pictures, then go here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Earthship



GOODNIGHT! i'm supposed to be awake in 5 hours =/


hah, i forgot to mention...i'm burned past recognition! yayyyy i cant move hah

summer

i keep thinking of things i should write on here, as i feel the need to write. most of the time my entries don't end up as what they started, but i usually feel accomplished at the end, nonetheless.

i just need that spark.



starting my living, my breathing, no ending
i'm falling asleep to dream of you

flying's becoming my new state of being,
i'm leaving all caution behind.



i used this exact quote to end a blog entry i wrote about the beginning of last summer. it doesn't feel like a year ago. i am now an upperclassman. i will graduate in two years, then it's off to college, san francisco, my own life.

but that's not the point of this entry, it's that last year really was my liftoff point. i've found amazing people, i've grown closer to the ones i already had, i've essentially expelled this hated life, depression from my being, and i think i have found who i want to become.


i know, my blog entries are http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=2809036590638458609"either something along these lines, or they are about how my school life has essentially destroyed my morale towards school in the future.

but even though the vast majority of my lovelies will never read this, i'm putting in a silent vow towards how they have really picked me up this last year.

here's to the summer of 2009,
with the blog entry of who i was, and who i hoped to be, last year:

"summer is the ultimate new beginning. you say goodbye to school friends, but grow closer to the ones who will be spending time with you over the summer. you break out those shorts and flip flops, and start worrying about what you eat so that you know that swimsuit will make you look amazing. summer brings the excitement of vacations and new friends, maybe even a new romance along the way. maybe for you, summer brings a new haircut and a new outlook on life. is your birthday this summer? all the better. summer brings a new chapter of life along with it. maybe this is your last summer at home, before you pack up and move across the country to that university. you'll get your first real job, your first real independence, your first car. well, i know what summer is for me. summer is big sunglasses and fire pits. it is holding hands and seeing all of those public school kids you've missed all year long. its being able to dye your hair 10 different colors, because the chlorine will wash it out anyway. its riding in cars with friends who just got their licenses, tube tops, and vans warped tour. summer is a hard drive full of brand new pictures that you dont feel the need to edit. excitement building the pit of your stomach months beforehand, until it becomes unbearable. summer is opening doors to learning new things, like playing guitar or gaining new confidence. summer is the one time where life is life, and that is all. it is the one time where we can totally change ourselves, and everyone is fine with it. summer is the thrill of a new life waiting just at the brink of fall.

here comes summer 2008.
this is it: the start of a new me.

'flying is becoming my new state of being; im leaving all caution behind....'"

dreams, and how they are never complete

i fell asleep with the window open, my futon pushed up to the wall beneath it.

i wrapped myself up in my curtains, much like the canopy that hung over my bed during my childhood.

jackson was michelangelo, and i his mermaid princess, hidden away from all the monsters that he would fight off.
i think i have always loved him.

i let the cold rain fall soft upon my cheeks, listened the hollow sound of the rain smacking against the windowsill as the thunder shook the wall i lay against. i fell asleep to the sound of my own voice;
if i fell,
blackbird,
green finch and linnet bird,
you say,
pen and notebook.

i must admit, singing oneself to sleep is much easier than crying.
it was probably the most peace i have ever felt.




i woke up the the sound of a car crash, six uneven trills on a car horn, the squeal of useless brakes, and then the most sickening crash of metal.

no matter the dream one is emerged in, reality always has to find its way back in,
the sharp end of its wedge always an unwelcome surprise.

i have no idea who i have become, this year

and yet, i feel more certain of who i really am
than i have ever been.

i let this year so causally slip by, as i got lazier and lazier
in the school world, that is.

socially, i have become that butterfly i have always known was waiting
inside
for the perfect situation, this
which is now my life.

i sometimes wonder if this is how it is supposed to be,
if this scholar, whose mold i have been silenced into by my own subconciousness,
is just an excuse to hold me from the real friends,
real self-awareness,
real love,
i have been given in the past year.


no longer are there messages awaiting my approval
in that myspace inbox, every day
repeating over and over,
bitch, fatass, poser
bitch, fatass, poser
bitch, fatass poser, liar.
liar liar liar liar.
liar.
FAT ASS. FAT ASS FAT ASS FAT ASS.

i went and read them all, got myself all worked up.
that's not the point.

the point is that ive got this amazing friend base that can help me through anything
from my mom being a nazi bitch
to my countless car crashes
to my slipping grades
to my need for acceptance
back to my mom being a nazi bitch.

i've learned so much about myself,
who i can become,
my talents and my weaknesses.

i'm now at 196 pounds, from standing at 238 last september.
i dont notice any changes in myself.
not until i look at old photos.
my double chin, the countless pairs of spanx

it's the same way with this new life i have.
looking back through those messages, i still hurt.

but now i've got these lovelies holding my hands the whole time,
and i can face it.

i believe everyone comes to this earth with a mission to learn something.
i'm not sure what mine is, at this point, but i've got a pretty good idea
for the one i needed to overcome, and finally have,: reconstruction.

i've rebuilt this life i once had,
but better, with more knowledges, more defenses.
more people there to support me.





i get by with a little help from my friends...