Last night

Last night I told dylan that I didn't want to try to work things out anymore. I had told him sometime in the last 2 weeks or so that I didn't want things to be shitty between us but I realized after lots of self reflection after times when dylan comes into contact with my life, that I'm incredibly unhappy. Like even if I have a positive encounter with him, something in my gut feels disappointed and disgusted. Not angry anymore, not resentful or pointed. Just negative. And I don't need that.

the hunger games

i found an apartment in chicago and am going through the final processes of calling it my own. it's literally perfect, i'm so ecstatic. i've been so worried because six of my closest friends are moving in together, leaving only alea and i out of the loop, and our beautiful condo is literally two blocks from where they'll be living. which is unimaginably amazing.

i've been doing design work outside of my normal work hours to make some extra cash and boost my design portfolio, and it's given me the boost of productivity i've needed of late. that, and i've been able to read for fun (i finished the hunger games series in a day & a half) and have been getting back into my single swing of watching independent films on a nightly basis.

another notable moment in my life: rob kelly has not only started following my tumblr, but is emailing me raw music files of his new project (pontifex). i'm one of the first to hear it, and it's really beautiful stuff. very different from the poppy tae beats, but very rob. (blake, i'll email you the file! it's lovely and you've got to hear it)

i've had very good nights with dustin and ivy, open and raw nights that have allowed me to deepen the veins of friendship in evansville. that, and i've started releasing myself from the rules i've imposed upon myself for the last several years (my whole life?) and have found that i'm so much more happy on a foundation level. i've allowed myself to be reckless, just enough to loosen up these ridiculous expectations i've had for myself.

and then there's dylan. still a force in my life that i can't figure out. there are days when he comes into work smiling and trying to earn my gaze but i literally can't bring myself to look at him. there are other times when i remember the sweetness we had and i just crumple, am physically unable to be in the same space with him. and he's the same way; there are times when i can feel icy disdain pouring from him and there are other times when he offers kindness.

the hunger games was good and addicting at points, but generally mediocre literature. what kept me so enthralled was the dynamic between katniss and peeta, because of course i could only see myself and dylan. but as all mediocre modern literature ends, the two live happily ever after with children and dandelions in meadows and blah blah blah when there's clearly so much that wouldn't be possible to overcome in a real relationship. the hunger games trilogy was clever at times, but the part i loved so much was how genuine loss of love was from both peeta's & katniss' points of view. it was terribly confusing and good for me at the same time.

the thing is, i'm so tired about talking about dylan. i'm tired of feeling more than over him one moment and being a blubbering mess the next. it's things like the fact that both of his parents came into the salon the other day and completely ignored me for a half an hour. the same woman who thanked me repeatedly over the phone for alerting her to the danger her son was putting himself in, the woman who pulled me aside before i left for college and made me promise that i'd come back and see her even if dylan and i broke up, looked straight through me. and i guess at that point i realized how destructive heartbreak can be. i know that dylan said the nastiest things about me in public forum; i saw it with my own eyes. and i haven't been the kindest to him, but i didn't take it to such a level. i like to tell myself that i remained faithful to the truth. but i guess so did he, or at least what he felt was true. that's one thing that manic depression will always hold over me. it created paranoia and depletion and anger that verged on lunacy in someone i loved too much for my own good.

i don't even see him as the same person anymore. the peak of our relationship was right past our one-year anniversary. that's the face of his i see when i remember myself deeply in love. before stereo shout out, before college, before sex. and now i just don't know.

this post is long and doesn't make sense. lately blogger has been more of a long-form internet diary than anything else

too many things

i have too many things to say and i just want to scream them until i get some sort of fucking reaction from you. i dont understand why youre upsetting me this much. i go from hating your guts and realizing how pointless you are in my life and being fine to feeling sad and broken and what the fuck ever, and i cant control it and that's what scares me. you had nothing to lose and i lost it all.

closure

finally got the closure i needed from dylan. after texting him several times earlier in the week regarding our work schedules at solaris and telling him once again that i'm sorry but needed to work at solaris because i had promised amy before he and i broke up that i would work there summers and winters during college, and i'm hard strapped for cash. he responded last night at midnight, 4 days later, saying that he's been over me for a while now and sorry for not telling me when he knew for sure that he was okay like he had promised he would. he didn't keep his promise. and because of that, i've still been worried about what my coming back to evansville was going to do to him, how his progress might suffer and relapse, how things might get bad again. but no, he's been fine while i've been tearing myself apart trying to make this easy for him when he really doesn't give a shit. it just proves that i've always cared more for him than he ever gave a shit about me. and maybe i'm not 100% over him, but i dont think you ever can get 100% over the first person you fell in love with, the person who you gave your virginity, someone who used to mean everything. and i should have taken that into consideration; i wasn't any of those things to him and he was all of them to me.

sleeping with the window open

as though the widened shutters would bring your car along the circle drive and down the street. seein you today confused me, being home when you are here makes me forget my progress and long to be back in November, when I thought for the first time that I might marry you. I need to see my therapist, I need you to say something. anything at all, even spitting hatred would be better than this.

thought that hit me tonight for the first time (surprised it didn't sooner):

if dylan promised to change his ways, if he got on medicine and took up feminism and never ever left me alone when I needed him again, would i start things over with him & try again?

sometimes i wonder

sometimes i wonder if there will ever be a guy out there for me who gets feminism. sounds stupid, but it's so fucking important to me and it doesn't mean shit to any of the guys who have made their presence in my life known. even tj. i love the kid to death, but last night he told me that he talked to his ex about his possibly still having feelings for her and she said she still might have feelings for him, too. so you know what he did after that? he asked her how many people she had sex with after they broke up. after he told me he was going to and i told him not to. and then he got upset at me last night for telling him he crossed a line with her. he just doesn't get it. i dont know but lately i'm just not about anyone telling other people what to do or judging them for the decisions that they make. tj chalks it up to "wanting a girl who has standards" and yeah, i might be wary of dating a guy who goes through girl after girl, but if he really liked her that wouldn't matter. and i wouldnt want a guy who asked me how many people i'd slept with to help him decide whether he should date me or not. dan just came over so im ending this rant early, but i'll probably come back to it.