i am relaxing on my couch with an MIA roommate for the first time in all too long (read: ever. daniella likes to hang about the house a lot, and tonight is really the first time i've been able to just chill alone & it's nice.) gitsy is snoozing on the other side of the couch and i'm blaring some death cab for cutie while procrastinating homework.
i always loved "i can't do better than you" but i never let myself sing it, especially when dylan and i were dating, because i knew it wasn't true. because i can--and will--do better than dylan, but he can't do better than me. maybe that's vain or one-sided but i don't really give a fuck and that feels pretty damn amazing.
tonight was needed.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
things
i spent the better part of this evening reviewing past posts on my tumblr and blogger, searching for something--anything--to use in a book project for my letterpress bookworks class. and i think it's so funny how i talk about finding closure and finally being over my ex in almost every post for the past 9 months or so, as though every time i'm saying "this time it's real and i won't have to do it again." and sometimes it really did feel like that. and i guess it still does a little, either that or i'm still coming off of a good few days of being unfalteringly happy without a lover.
but i think, in some respects, i'm coming to terms with the fact that being over my relationship with dylan doesn't mean i don't have memories with him that i think about often. and of course i've created new memories with new friends and think about those, too. but i spent so long with him, and during such a pivotal time of growth, that it would be impossible to look back and not think of him.
i don't want to forget how amazing my senior prom was, or the fact that i drove to six flags on 4 hours of sleep with someone i loved on a total whim. i was going through my text posts on tumblr and it just smacked me in the face that loving him helped me define me. and of course i knew that, but looking back through things i'd forgotten i had written literally illustrated that for me. through loving dylan, i opened up the doors in my heart that i assumed at age 13 i'd never open.
things became so messy this summer and loneliness has got me yearning for any sort of contact with someone i used to share so much with, be it dylan or family i haven't seen in a while or childhood friends who fell out of my life, that i let myself re-think the decisions i began making this time last year. which is always dangerous. i saw that 4 days before dylan and i broke up for real, i posted at 3 am about waking up crying because i missed him so much. and i didn't remember that, not at all. it scared me a little. because of course my posts are heavy with fighting words from almost constant dilemmas he and i had, but i remember thinking that i could marry him last november. for the first time, feeling like you wanted to walk down the aisle with someone, and then essentially barring them from your life a month later. i just sometimes wish i could go back and replay it all again in slow motion.
not saying things would change. but maybe i wouldn't feel like such a bad person right now if i could see it all again.
i'm shaky right now from coming across a status he posted on facebook about a week ago, in response to the photo of my colophon for "what a bitch!," which apparently a friend of his had shown him. i just honestly didn't expect him to see it, or for so many people who i thought understood my side to back him up on facebook. the way people act in situations like that scares me a little, and i feel defenseless. of course his mom takes his side; my mom takes mine. but for people to become so rooted into drama that has absolutely nothing to do with them is ridiculous.
i just really felt like i was in a good place with all of this earlier tonight, and to come across this sends me reeling back for a while. i hate it that the idea of him still has so much control over me (and this might sound stupid, but i'm taking it back to sex and love: i was not dylan's first--of either of those things--and he was mine for both.) they say you always love your first, but that isn't it. it's that i distanced myself because i needed space and room to grow, and he turned me into a monster for it. that's what hurts. that's what makes me shake and cry and not be able to even say hi when i stop by the salon on visits home. it's that i always extended a loving hand (even after he told me to lose contact with him and his family after he tried to kill himself) and it has constantly been met with a slap.
but i think, in some respects, i'm coming to terms with the fact that being over my relationship with dylan doesn't mean i don't have memories with him that i think about often. and of course i've created new memories with new friends and think about those, too. but i spent so long with him, and during such a pivotal time of growth, that it would be impossible to look back and not think of him.
i don't want to forget how amazing my senior prom was, or the fact that i drove to six flags on 4 hours of sleep with someone i loved on a total whim. i was going through my text posts on tumblr and it just smacked me in the face that loving him helped me define me. and of course i knew that, but looking back through things i'd forgotten i had written literally illustrated that for me. through loving dylan, i opened up the doors in my heart that i assumed at age 13 i'd never open.
things became so messy this summer and loneliness has got me yearning for any sort of contact with someone i used to share so much with, be it dylan or family i haven't seen in a while or childhood friends who fell out of my life, that i let myself re-think the decisions i began making this time last year. which is always dangerous. i saw that 4 days before dylan and i broke up for real, i posted at 3 am about waking up crying because i missed him so much. and i didn't remember that, not at all. it scared me a little. because of course my posts are heavy with fighting words from almost constant dilemmas he and i had, but i remember thinking that i could marry him last november. for the first time, feeling like you wanted to walk down the aisle with someone, and then essentially barring them from your life a month later. i just sometimes wish i could go back and replay it all again in slow motion.
not saying things would change. but maybe i wouldn't feel like such a bad person right now if i could see it all again.
i'm shaky right now from coming across a status he posted on facebook about a week ago, in response to the photo of my colophon for "what a bitch!," which apparently a friend of his had shown him. i just honestly didn't expect him to see it, or for so many people who i thought understood my side to back him up on facebook. the way people act in situations like that scares me a little, and i feel defenseless. of course his mom takes his side; my mom takes mine. but for people to become so rooted into drama that has absolutely nothing to do with them is ridiculous.
i just really felt like i was in a good place with all of this earlier tonight, and to come across this sends me reeling back for a while. i hate it that the idea of him still has so much control over me (and this might sound stupid, but i'm taking it back to sex and love: i was not dylan's first--of either of those things--and he was mine for both.) they say you always love your first, but that isn't it. it's that i distanced myself because i needed space and room to grow, and he turned me into a monster for it. that's what hurts. that's what makes me shake and cry and not be able to even say hi when i stop by the salon on visits home. it's that i always extended a loving hand (even after he told me to lose contact with him and his family after he tried to kill himself) and it has constantly been met with a slap.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
some good (chicago, round 2)
although i've yet to move into my apartment (that comes this weekend--ahh!) i've officially been back in chicago since sunday. i've been crashing on an air mattress in the sunroom of my six friends' large and creaky apartment, and despite the fact that they have no internet and no air conditioning, which gives me the overwhelmingly stressful feeling that camping also gives me, i've been exponentially more happy than i was in evansville. and that's good. i'm so proud of myself for all of the closure i brought into my life--it was the perfect way to wrap up my sometimes childish view of the world, forgive others (and, more importantly, myself) for the hatefulness projected onto me over the past few years, and start my new life in chicago with no guilt and nothing tying me to that tiny, backwards town but the love for my family and the memories i've made there.
which brings me to today: my 9-4 class let out at 2, which gave me enough time to get my bike out of storage. i'd had a pretty tired and homesick morning, and the stress of taking my bike with TWO FLAT TIRES not only on a bus but also on two elevated tracks and an underground train made the already bad start to my day worse. so i took my bike over to uptown bikes and got my chain oiled and my tires pumped for only $3, and my day completely turned around. i can't express how good it felt to get back on my bike after so long. forget conditioning myself like i planned; i biked the two miles home as quickly as i could and then took laps around edgewater until i got too hungry to keep going.
and now i'm at the 24/7 starbucks in belmont, having just finished a lot of design work. i've still got a little bit more to do before i go home, but i took a break to tumble and came across a quote that inspired this post:
“I am a lover without a lover. I am lovely and lonely and I belong deeply to myself.”
—Warsan Shire
i just can't express how much i love this quote, because it really describes how i'm feeling of late. i'm a lover. that was the difference between dylan and i...even though i was the one who broke up with him, it was because i loved more and for longer, until his inability to love me back the same way got to be too much for me to handle. and i'm lonely, yeah, sometimes. sometimes it's the hardest thing; i'm swept up with the overwhelming need to call someone baby, to pull someone's arms around me, to play with someone else's hair. but i don't want a relationship right now. i don't want someone else knowing things about me that only i know, i don't want to learn things about someone else. i don't want to give my time to anything that doesn't involve my happiness, and that's a first for me. i feel like i finally understand those crazy people who try to marry themselves. that's how i feel, like i am primo #1, most deserving of love and time and care. and it's a really fucking good place to be.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Last night
Last night I told dylan that I didn't want to try to work things out anymore. I had told him sometime in the last 2 weeks or so that I didn't want things to be shitty between us but I realized after lots of self reflection after times when dylan comes into contact with my life, that I'm incredibly unhappy. Like even if I have a positive encounter with him, something in my gut feels disappointed and disgusted. Not angry anymore, not resentful or pointed. Just negative. And I don't need that.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
the hunger games
i found an apartment in chicago and am going through the final processes of calling it my own. it's literally perfect, i'm so ecstatic. i've been so worried because six of my closest friends are moving in together, leaving only alea and i out of the loop, and our beautiful condo is literally two blocks from where they'll be living. which is unimaginably amazing.
i've been doing design work outside of my normal work hours to make some extra cash and boost my design portfolio, and it's given me the boost of productivity i've needed of late. that, and i've been able to read for fun (i finished the hunger games series in a day & a half) and have been getting back into my single swing of watching independent films on a nightly basis.
another notable moment in my life: rob kelly has not only started following my tumblr, but is emailing me raw music files of his new project (pontifex). i'm one of the first to hear it, and it's really beautiful stuff. very different from the poppy tae beats, but very rob. (blake, i'll email you the file! it's lovely and you've got to hear it)
i've had very good nights with dustin and ivy, open and raw nights that have allowed me to deepen the veins of friendship in evansville. that, and i've started releasing myself from the rules i've imposed upon myself for the last several years (my whole life?) and have found that i'm so much more happy on a foundation level. i've allowed myself to be reckless, just enough to loosen up these ridiculous expectations i've had for myself.
and then there's dylan. still a force in my life that i can't figure out. there are days when he comes into work smiling and trying to earn my gaze but i literally can't bring myself to look at him. there are other times when i remember the sweetness we had and i just crumple, am physically unable to be in the same space with him. and he's the same way; there are times when i can feel icy disdain pouring from him and there are other times when he offers kindness.
the hunger games was good and addicting at points, but generally mediocre literature. what kept me so enthralled was the dynamic between katniss and peeta, because of course i could only see myself and dylan. but as all mediocre modern literature ends, the two live happily ever after with children and dandelions in meadows and blah blah blah when there's clearly so much that wouldn't be possible to overcome in a real relationship. the hunger games trilogy was clever at times, but the part i loved so much was how genuine loss of love was from both peeta's & katniss' points of view. it was terribly confusing and good for me at the same time.
the thing is, i'm so tired about talking about dylan. i'm tired of feeling more than over him one moment and being a blubbering mess the next. it's things like the fact that both of his parents came into the salon the other day and completely ignored me for a half an hour. the same woman who thanked me repeatedly over the phone for alerting her to the danger her son was putting himself in, the woman who pulled me aside before i left for college and made me promise that i'd come back and see her even if dylan and i broke up, looked straight through me. and i guess at that point i realized how destructive heartbreak can be. i know that dylan said the nastiest things about me in public forum; i saw it with my own eyes. and i haven't been the kindest to him, but i didn't take it to such a level. i like to tell myself that i remained faithful to the truth. but i guess so did he, or at least what he felt was true. that's one thing that manic depression will always hold over me. it created paranoia and depletion and anger that verged on lunacy in someone i loved too much for my own good.
i don't even see him as the same person anymore. the peak of our relationship was right past our one-year anniversary. that's the face of his i see when i remember myself deeply in love. before stereo shout out, before college, before sex. and now i just don't know.
this post is long and doesn't make sense. lately blogger has been more of a long-form internet diary than anything else
i've been doing design work outside of my normal work hours to make some extra cash and boost my design portfolio, and it's given me the boost of productivity i've needed of late. that, and i've been able to read for fun (i finished the hunger games series in a day & a half) and have been getting back into my single swing of watching independent films on a nightly basis.
another notable moment in my life: rob kelly has not only started following my tumblr, but is emailing me raw music files of his new project (pontifex). i'm one of the first to hear it, and it's really beautiful stuff. very different from the poppy tae beats, but very rob. (blake, i'll email you the file! it's lovely and you've got to hear it)
i've had very good nights with dustin and ivy, open and raw nights that have allowed me to deepen the veins of friendship in evansville. that, and i've started releasing myself from the rules i've imposed upon myself for the last several years (my whole life?) and have found that i'm so much more happy on a foundation level. i've allowed myself to be reckless, just enough to loosen up these ridiculous expectations i've had for myself.
and then there's dylan. still a force in my life that i can't figure out. there are days when he comes into work smiling and trying to earn my gaze but i literally can't bring myself to look at him. there are other times when i remember the sweetness we had and i just crumple, am physically unable to be in the same space with him. and he's the same way; there are times when i can feel icy disdain pouring from him and there are other times when he offers kindness.
the hunger games was good and addicting at points, but generally mediocre literature. what kept me so enthralled was the dynamic between katniss and peeta, because of course i could only see myself and dylan. but as all mediocre modern literature ends, the two live happily ever after with children and dandelions in meadows and blah blah blah when there's clearly so much that wouldn't be possible to overcome in a real relationship. the hunger games trilogy was clever at times, but the part i loved so much was how genuine loss of love was from both peeta's & katniss' points of view. it was terribly confusing and good for me at the same time.
the thing is, i'm so tired about talking about dylan. i'm tired of feeling more than over him one moment and being a blubbering mess the next. it's things like the fact that both of his parents came into the salon the other day and completely ignored me for a half an hour. the same woman who thanked me repeatedly over the phone for alerting her to the danger her son was putting himself in, the woman who pulled me aside before i left for college and made me promise that i'd come back and see her even if dylan and i broke up, looked straight through me. and i guess at that point i realized how destructive heartbreak can be. i know that dylan said the nastiest things about me in public forum; i saw it with my own eyes. and i haven't been the kindest to him, but i didn't take it to such a level. i like to tell myself that i remained faithful to the truth. but i guess so did he, or at least what he felt was true. that's one thing that manic depression will always hold over me. it created paranoia and depletion and anger that verged on lunacy in someone i loved too much for my own good.
i don't even see him as the same person anymore. the peak of our relationship was right past our one-year anniversary. that's the face of his i see when i remember myself deeply in love. before stereo shout out, before college, before sex. and now i just don't know.
this post is long and doesn't make sense. lately blogger has been more of a long-form internet diary than anything else
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
too many things
i have too many things to say and i just want to scream them until i get some sort of fucking reaction from you. i dont understand why youre upsetting me this much. i go from hating your guts and realizing how pointless you are in my life and being fine to feeling sad and broken and what the fuck ever, and i cant control it and that's what scares me. you had nothing to lose and i lost it all.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
closure
finally got the closure i needed from dylan. after texting him several times earlier in the week regarding our work schedules at solaris and telling him once again that i'm sorry but needed to work at solaris because i had promised amy before he and i broke up that i would work there summers and winters during college, and i'm hard strapped for cash.
he responded last night at midnight, 4 days later, saying that he's been over me for a while now and sorry for not telling me when he knew for sure that he was okay like he had promised he would. he didn't keep his promise. and because of that, i've still been worried about what my coming back to evansville was going to do to him, how his progress might suffer and relapse, how things might get bad again. but no, he's been fine while i've been tearing myself apart trying to make this easy for him when he really doesn't give a shit. it just proves that i've always cared more for him than he ever gave a shit about me. and maybe i'm not 100% over him, but i dont think you ever can get 100% over the first person you fell in love with, the person who you gave your virginity, someone who used to mean everything. and i should have taken that into consideration; i wasn't any of those things to him and he was all of them to me.
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