Big D

why does depression take the people I love away from me?

everything with dylan, leah is in the hospital on suicide watch, and tj is transferring back home.

this week has completely wrecked my emotional stability and my motivation. all I want to do is sleep and cry. I haven't spoken to daniella in days, I can't eat, I can't sleep when I try to, and I can't focus on my design work, for school or for work, and deadlines are crashing all around me.

I am lucky that my bouts with being depressed are fixed with therapy sessions and changing my thyroid dosage. i get depressed sometimes but i do not suffer from depression, and I am so grateful for that. but it doesn't make things easier when I'd rather sit under my desk in my room than interact with daniella or even gitsy. since last week I've been lower than I've been in a while and I'm just scared because I don't know how it's going to get better.

I feel like tj let me down. I just don't want to talk to him or see him or think about him. I feel betrayed. and that isn't really fair, but that's how I feel and I can't help it. I feel alone.

needing/wanting/getting

today i was a half hour late to class. i fell asleep working last night and hadn't set an alarm. luckily with most of my work done, it wasn't really a problem. still, i didn't get a chance to eat breakfast, so when i finished my daily iced coffee from the school cafe, it left me empty feeling...hungry, clear-headed but still feeling deprived of sleep. and i realized how much i like that feeling.

of being sleep deprived to the point of feeling like a zombie because i stayed up so long pouring my soul into a piece of art for days beforehand. of the empty, healthy feeling of a growling stomach by 4pm because i chose a salad for lunch instead of the french fries i really wanted. of sore muscles one day because i did the whole 20 minutes of Jillian michaels 30-day shred the night before without putting down the 3 lb weights.

of being single, going through the slight inconvenience of occasional loneliness, because i refuse to settle for someone who isn't going to love me as much as i love myself.

the feeling of doing what i have to to get what i want. of making sacrifices, pushing myself to my limits, creating the change in my life. it's not a way to live long term or day-to-day, i'm sure i'd keel over from the stress. but sometimes it's nice to taste that little bit of bitter in your pink lemonade.

(not a harlem shake video, i promise! rather, a song by the band the Harlem Shakes that fits the mood of this post)


SPEAKING OF, i'm officially in training for my first 5k! i'm starting this weekend to prepare for the Hope in Motion / Run in Color 5K in Evansville on April 20 (which I'll probably just walk/jog with my mom) and then i've got the actual Color Run 5K that i'm going to RUN, not walk (a big goal for someone who has never EVER been a runner, even as a kid), on June 16! i'm really, really, excited about it. so here's to actually sticking to my new year's resolution for once

tonight is a low night,

one of the lowest i've had in a really long time. binge ate twizzlers & cried in the shower & have been lying in bed since 10 and i still don't feel any better.

i'm tired of this cycle, of having this same fucking thing creep up on me and drag me down whenever it pleases. sure, my nights of panic attacks and crying and wondering if i've completely fucked up my life and any chance i'll ever get at love used to be a nightly thing, and now they only come every 4 months or so. so i'm getting better. but i just don't want to feel this way anymore, i don't want to doubt myself and the entire foundation my recent life has been built on just because of some nagging fear that i'll never get anything better, or even as real as, what i pushed out of my life.

i have nowhere to put my love, it just sits there and keeps on loving.

so glad to see blake on here again!

(those 5 pageviews were from me, haha!)

and glad to be back on here myself. i actually sat down to draft a post between my 9-12 and 6-9 classes today but got caught up with other things (gitsy & i went for a walk and she jumped into several puddles of mud, so i had to give her a bath which is always hellish).

anyways! yesterday i got a weird chat invite from my ex on a new email account, and i messaged him despite not really wanting to. i made a promise to him that the lines of communication would always be open on my end if he needed anything, because i don't see myself as the type of person who could completely turn her back on someone--even after having gone through so much because of them. so i messaged him and he messaged back, and i didn't get that weird heart-racing feeling (the goodbad kind, like when you get an anonymous message and wonder if it's going to be  friendly or make you cry), and i'm really proud of myself. especially after not having seen or talked to him in over 4 months. so all is good there.

school is good in that i have less of a workload, but i've been thinking seriously that i might have seasonal affective disorder (funny you mentioned it too, b). it's like no matter what i have to do, all i want to do is sit in the shower or sleep. i constantly fall asleep on the trains. all i want to eat is sweet things and bread. sometimes i literally have to choke back tears when i look at the forecast and realize i have to wear my coat and scarf and gloves just to walk to the station. i've gained at least 10 lbs. and that's all incredibly frustrating to me, which makes it worse. i feel like i'm just empty. i miss the sun and warmth and not having to wear a gigantic coat.

but not to complain
i'm doing a lot of work, and therefore making a lot of money. like having enough money for NEXT rent even though my rent check has come out. and that's awesome. i'm getting to spend money on things i've wanted for a while, and i'm really happy about that. school is easier than it's been in a while, and i think i'm finally winning over my type teacher.

ugh
i have so much more to say but a lot of work to do tonight
so i'll finish this later!

new year

today begins a new year and,  while I have goals and resolutions for myself, I will not be working on a "new me" in 2013; I have found myself more mature and stable on my own two feet than I could have ever imagined I would be at 20, and I've accepted that I am human and that I am allowed to make mistakes, break down from time to time, take a few days off when I need. I have accepted myself and can see for the most part my shortcomings and areas for growth.

I think the paradigm shift this year was realizing that there aren't rules for living; I had set so many boundaries and restrictions for and upon myself, and I realized this year that those weren't necessary and were, I'm some cases, extremely detrimental to my personal growth (and my sanity).This year I have overcome both love and hatred that were doing me no good, and it has been really hard. I hate to think of myself in that context of being not whole, or broken up about someone who hurt me so much, but also of being hung up with hatred for that same person who helped me open the door to who I am now.

I am more open than I ever used to be, more self aware (in good and bad ways I guess) and more appreciative of the things I am fortunate to have: a loving family that does its best to support me in every way possible, a best friend who really gets me, a solid handful of good friends in Chicago and throughout the Midwest, financial backing to do what I love, an the opportunity to live in the third largest city in the US and attend the nations's #2 ranked college for art and design. I am seriously talking to a lovely guy named Zacharias who is worldly aware and sweet and kind, and I like him a lot.

In the past year, I have moved to Chicago with Gitsy, gotten into the Viscom department at SAIC, been to bonnaroo, found a new favorite movie, gotten drunk with my best friend, gone on a road trip with my mom, gotten 2 tattoos, and made a lot of art that I love. all in all, 2012 was hard but wonderful, and I hope that 2013 brings good vibes and lots of new beautiful experiences into my life.

this is going to be a ride so just hold on (evansville, for the last extended period of time)

back in evansville, back to work, back to memories.

i was reading a post on tumblr about how some famous actor i like (i cant remember who) was saying that men are more romantic than women, that when a man wants to marry someone, he's dead serious about it and commits and she becomes everything whereas women are always looking for what's good enough in order to make a decision to settle, like "oh he's got a good job" or something, and i had one of those mini stab-in-the-gut moments when i felt like i fucked up everything i had with my ex, because what we had was real (at least it was on my end, and i feel like it was on his for the most part) and i broke it off because he was dicking around with his band and blah blah blah and whatever.

but then i stopped myself, and i thought:

1. that's stereotypical bullshit, because while women (in my experience) think this way more than men, i know a lot of men who aren't romantic and do the same thing

2. i didn't break up with my ex because he didn't have a good job or go to college (even though he didn't & doesn't), i broke up with him because when you love someone you don't forbid them from doing things that make sense in their heart, you don't tell them they disgust you for making choices you don't approve of, you make an effort to be there for them when they need you instead of blowing them off/somehow fucking up their important memories, and you sure as hell don't get pissed at them for telling your family when you're about to shoot yourself in the head

3. women are genetically trained to look for the best mate to raise their children whereas men aren't built the same way

i just needed to write all this down. because even though i really am over him finally, every time i come home i think it's inevitable that i'm going to think about my ex. because i think about my adolescence and how this place shaped who i am, my friends and enemies and all the shit i went through. the streets i drove and walked every day, and he was a huge part of that for almost three years.

maybe it's because i'm a libra and i am ruled by venus (love), or because no matter how hard you try you can never forget your first love, or because it really was real. maybe because i'm just not the type of person who lets go easily, and i never wanted to let him go but i had to in order to be who i'm supposed to be.

i am talking to a new guy, a sweet guy who i think has really great potential to stay in my life for a while, and i'm very happy to say that. because at first i was scared to not be alone anymore. but he is sweet and not judgmental and i want to know more about him, which is a new thing for me. and it is awkward and things will take getting used to, but that is what's so beautiful about it all.

learning to not be alone again is challenging, but it's the good kind of challenging and i like it.




(by the way, when someone comes up with a way to record thoughts, i will give an arm and a leg to have it. it seems the theme of my thoughts to writing process is to forget everything that had inspired me to write. it seems that i never have a pen/can't write or stay awake long enough when i'm drunk or exhausted or in the shower or driving home at night and these thoughts play on a loop in my head, and it's starting to get incredibly upsetting)

fuck everything

im tired and have way too much work to do and everything in my life is creating stress for me